According to an interview on Conde Nast’s Portfolio.com, Jason Giambi (pictured) has revealed that he owns a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong that he wears under his uniform in order to bust out of a prolonged slump at the plate. “I only put it on when I’m desperate,” said Giambi.

Disturbing, right? Well, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. For your consideration:

Over Giambi’s checkered career in the Bronx, he has left the “golden thong” in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano. “All of them wore it and got hits,” he reports. “The thong works every time.”

Honestly, I’m at a loss. I know ballplayers are disgusting pigs, but the notion of a gold thong being passed from junk-to-junk in the Yankees clubhouse is just more than my stomach can take. In fact there’s some vomit stinging the back of my throat as I type this.

The article also reveals that the 37-year-old steroid-abuser “loves strip joints, cites Letters to Penthouse as his favorite work of literature, and lives by the motto ‘Party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, rake like an all-star.’”

Giambi’s plans for retirement?

“As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.”

Thanks, Conde Nast. For keeping it interesting.