When my brothers and I were kids we would occasionally watch reruns of the old Adventures of Superman TV show from the ’50s. Without a doubt the best episode was a two-parter that involved creepy little guys who lived underground, called the Mole Men (we just called them the Little Creatures, though). I was about four or five and was pretty damn scared of those guys, so I would watch most of the episode from behind a chair, peeking out when I felt it was safe. I was fascinated and frightened at the same time. I couldn’t just turn the TV off or leave the room – I had to watch.

Which brings us to Oliver Perez. That’s exactly how I’ve watched his five starts this season – from behind a chair. He even kind of looks like the Mole Men. When my five-year-old daughter walked into the living room on Saturday, she said, “Umm, Dad, there’s a Japanese guy pitching for the Mets. It’s safe to come out now.” Perez is a complete disaster this year, and the Mets are stuck with him and his $36 million contract. Was he always this bad (9.97 ERA, 2.26 WHIP, 21.2 IP, 20 BB’s)? We knew he was inconsistent, but just flat-out horrible like this?

He all but refused to be sent down to the minors, so what else can the Mets do but stick him in the bullpen? He came down with a “knee injury” out of nowhere (or was he told he had an injured knee?), but apparently that scenario didn’t catch on enough to put him on the disabled list. They thought about driving him out to the woods and just setting him free. But he would have surely made his way back to Queens (we think). The team could have tried to convince him that the season was over already: “Man, that went by fast, Ollie. See you next year.” But it looks like it will be the bullpen. What kind of relief can Ollie give? Probably not much. If he comes in with runners already on base, here are his stats for this season – ERA with runners on: 14.21; ERA with RISP: 28.50; ERA with RISP and two outs: 64.13; ERA with bases loaded: 94.50. So we have that to look forward to.

The Mets surely could have found a better way to spend that $36 million. They could have built an Ed Kranepool rotunda at Citi Field. They could have bought 7.2 million $5 footlongs from Subway. They could have all gone on a nice vacation together. They could have thrown a big bag of cash on the mound, and it probably would have had better control than Perez. Or they could have just given the money to me. The Mets have two-plus more years of Ollie, so they have to tread lightly here. He’s not just going to disappear while giving the money back to the Mets. They somehow have to fix him.

Forty-year-old rookie Ken Takahashi will take Perez’s place in the rotation (at least for now). The former Hiroshima Toyo Carp was the third player in the post-World War II era to make his major league debut while being 40 or older when he replaced Perez on Saturday. Satchel Paige was the oldest, making his first appearance for the Indians in 1948 at the age of 42, and Diomedes Olivo debuted for the Pirates at the age of 41 in 1960. Takahashi may be an unknown and unproven commodity, but at least I won’t have to watch Friday’s game from behind a chair.