There are only five games left for the Mets – thank God. Once the 162nd game is played, we can then turn our attention to brighter and happier pastimes, such as starting petitions to get Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel fired, drinking so much tequila that we forget this season (or decade) ever happened and forming an angry mob while chasing the Mets out of town after Sunday’s game with pitchforks and torches.

Over the weekend, when the Mets took on the Marlins, there was a lot of talk about the team playing the role of spoiler by the SNY announcers and pre- and postgame crew. None of the talk came from the team itself. The SNY guys all felt the Mets should be chomping at the bit to knock Florida out of the wild card race after what the Fish did to the Metsies at the end of the last two seasons. They were practically begging the team to show some type of spark and …

The Giants defeated Tampa Bay as coolly, methodically and nonchalantly as John Phillips commits incest. Tampa Bay was no match for Big Blue as the Buccaneers played like they were wearing eyepatches and had peg legs and hooks for hands (though that might come in handy on defense). Bucs coach Raheem Morris summed it up best: “We were beat by grown men, a team we want to be like one day. They came in here and took it to us. Out-manned us. Out-gunned us. It wasn’t even close.” The stats back up his statement: 397 total yards for the Giants, 86 for Tampa Bay; time of possession – 43.38 minutes for the Jints, 16.22 for the Bucs; 27 first downs for the Giants, five for Tampa Bay (and they didn’t get their first one until five minutes were left in the third quarter).

The Bucs cured most of the Giants problems – at least for one day. Red zone issues? Going into the game the Giants were 0-8, …

The Giants and Jets both beat division archrivals this past week. And both are 2-0 and sitting atop their respective divisions. The Giants went down to Texas and paid the Cowboys back for beating them in the first-ever game at the Meadowlands in 1976 (Dallas won, 24-14). Of course, Giants Stadium didn’t receive quite the same amount of hoopla as Cowboys Stadium has gotten this week. Here are some reviews from 33 years ago when the Giants home first opened:

“It just looks like a regular football stadium. Where is the 60-yard JumboTron? Where are the go-go dancers? What do they plan to do here, just play football?”

“Where do you put 78,000 angry New Jersey residents to watch Doug Kotar gain 500 yards a season? The new Giants Stadium, that’s where.”

“The new stadium is a modern marvel, but can they do something about that swampy smell?”

“It just goes to show you the power of the Mob that they got this stadium built all the way out …

With ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball winding down for another season, their announcing team of Joe Morgan, Jon Miller and Steve Phillips took some time to analyze the New York baseball scene for Hot Stove New York.

Joe Morgan: The Yankees are looking pretty good, having the best record in baseball, and they just clinched a spot in the postseason with last night’s win. But you really can’t compare them to the teams of old. I mean, do they have Johnny Bench on their team? [laughs] Derek Jeter does a decent job but give me Dave Concepcion any day of the week. You can throw any stat at me you want about the Yankees – you know I don’t believe in stats [laughs]. When I played we didn’t have stats. We didn’t know what batting averages were let alone WARP and whatever else these kids are talking about nowadays [laughs]. In fact, we didn’t even keep score, but the Reds still won every game we played and were the World …

Jerry Jones threw a $1.15 billion party last night, and everybody was there – John Madden, Pat Summerall, Lebron James, one Hall 0f Fame Cowboy after another, George W. Bush – but, unfortunately, for Dallas, so were the Giants. Jones’ modern-day Roman Coliseum landed from outer space just in time for the game, giant scoreboard and all (and from the view from space, it’s shaped exactly like Jones’ ego), and the Cowboys probably want a do-over (the biggest disappointment of the night was nobody hitting the three-mile-long JumboTron). An impressive 105,121 fans showed up for the game, and they were loud. But they’re still not as loud as my daughter when she throws one of her tantrums. The most tremendous feat of the evening: Fitting Madden and that scoreboard into one building.

For the Giants, the game was beginning to look like last week’s season opener – red zone problems, rushing problems, a defensive touchdown, fancy footwork by Mario Manningham and another receiver leaving the game due to injury (Domenik …

When we last saw the Jets, the comedy team of Eric Mangini and Brett Favre were sabotaging the season. Favre confessed that he had a torn biceps tendon, but he’s just covering up for his arm – it wasn’t torn, it was drunk. The team was even fined for the subterfuge. New and improved coach Rex Ryan gave a pregame speech to remember; it basically boiled down to this: Win on for Richard Todd. And win they did. The rookie coach even shed a tear after the game – it wasn’t because his team won, though, but instead the reason behind the crying was that he just found out that NBC cancelled My Name Is Earl to make room for Parks and Recreation. And when Ryan was about to present owner Woody Johnson with the game ball, Kanye West appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the ball and yelled out, “Weeb Ewbank is the greatest Jets coach in the world! In the world!”

Meanwhile, the Giants …

I turn on the TV, and I’d rather watch anything else but the Mets – So You Think You’re Crazier Than Gary Busey, Two and a Half Accountants, even Yentl. But something’s commanding me to watch. I have no control over it. I think the ghost of Gil Hodges is controlling me. Or maybe it’s M. Donald Grant. I want to turn the game off, but I can’t. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me. And sometimes I get the feeling that the Mets are watching me (see picture at right).

But since the TV’s on and the channel stuck on SNY, I may as well pick out things that are worthing watching. Josh Thole comes up to the plate, and I think, “He doesn’t have the stench of failure all over him yet. He’s worth watching.” And he’s fun to watch. He comes straight out of 1973 – choking up on the bat, crouching, no power. He looks like he has an idea of what to do …

The Giants may not have a go-to receiver but what they do have on offense is depth (though they lost one cog in the offensive machine on the first play of the season when Danny Ware dislocated his elbow). Eli Manning (20 for 29, 256 yards, one TD, one INT) completed passes to seven different receivers. Steve Smith was outstanding in his new role in the starting lineup, catching six passes. You figured they’d rely on their monster running game and ease into the aerial attack, but they came out passing instead. Brandon Jacobs didn’t really get much going, with only 46 yards, while Ahmad Bradshaw outrushed him for 60 yards. The word of the day for the O was balance – 31 running plays and 29 passing. Mario Manningham hauled in three passes and showed off some fancy footwork on his touchdown reception (the first of his career). Kevin Boss caught some key passes. And Hakeem Nicks debuted by dropping the first pass thrown …

Derek Jeter started feeling the pressure to overtake Lou Gehrig as the Yankees’ all-time hits leader, but he came through as always (well, was he really never going to get a hit again?). Tonight he’ll attempt to pass the Hall-of-Fame first baseman and stand alone at the top of the heap. Here’s a list of other lesser-known Yankee records that will most likely never be broken:

Highest number of floozies and alcoholic beverages consumed in one night: 29, Babe Ruth (it’s unclear how many were drinks and how many were floozies).

Most times teammates swapped wives: once, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich

Most hits by a Yankee backup catcher in 1966: 47, Jake Gibbs (this is one record that will never be broken)

Most times a player sat in a cake while pantless: 11, Sparky Lyle

Most times a Yankee manager was referred to as “Stump”: 1,342, oddly enough it wasn’t Stump Merrill but Ralph Houk

Most times a player had to clean George Steinbrenner’s pool to stay on his good side: seven, Steve Howe

In other …

Here’s an easy New York Giants quiz to get you ready for the 2009 season.

1. The Giants pass rush will be so good that they’ll:

    a) Lead the league in sacks

    b) Wreak havoc on opposing offenses

    c) Break Joe Theismann’s leg – again

2. The unproven receiving corps will:

    a) Take a few weeks to gain chemistry with Eli Manning but turn into a pleasant surprise

    b) Lead the league in dropped passes

    c) Piss Tom Coughlin off so much that they’ll slowly “disappear” one by one as the season goes on

3. The Giants offensive line is one of the best in the league because:

    a) They’ve been a cohesive unit for a handful of seasons now

    b) They have the right combination of smarts, techinique and toughness

    c) Eli Manning found out Peyton’s bank account PIN, and Eli’s been giving all his brother’s money to his linemen to ensure extra protection

4. Jeff Feagles is so old that:

    a) He uses all of his experience to …

The Yankees have instituted a new set of Joba Rules. Joba Chamberlain will now pitch every fifth day but his innings will be limited. That may help his arm, but it won’t help him learn how to pitch (or help the bullpen). They scrapped their previous plans of having him pitch every day but only throwing one pitch, having him pitch once a year, and having him pitch every fifth day with no pitch count but he’d be loaned out to another team. There are some other, little-known sets of rules around town that we just learned about.

The Ollie Rules: Right before Oliver Perez went on the DL, the Mets were about to install some new guidelines for the erratic lefty. The team was going to make him pitch every single day (even if no game was scheduled) in the hopes he would suffer a career-ending injury, which would free them from his contract.

The A-Rod Rules: The Yankees had no choice but to limit Alex Rodriguez’s time in front …

I can read you know. I’ve seen all those hurtful and hateful things written about me all over the Internet. Yes, I know, I’m big. I’m oversized. I’m comically gigantic. But I can’t help it, I was made that way. Don’t blame me. And please, don’t take it out on my poor friend, David Wright. It’s not his fault. He got beaned by a 94-mile-an-hour heater right in the melon. And it hurt. It really, really hurt. Of course, he looks absolutely ridiculous, but if you’re going to laugh at anybody, laugh at me. Or laugh at Ryan Dempster. He was the first player to wear a similar model to myself. But it’s easier to laugh at a Met, isn’t it?

Can’t you see my positive qualities? I have a cool name – the s100. It kind of sounds like a rocket ship. Or a monster truck. Those are nothing to laugh at. And you want protection? I can give it to you. Not only can I safeguard a …