The Giants’ transformation from an elite NFL team to ineffectual mediocrity is astounding. Against the Saints, the defense was the culprit; against the Cardinals, it was the offense; but yesterday against the Eagles, it was every aspect of the team that was horrible. The Giants are misfiring on all cylinders. Alarms are sounding, and people are running to the panic room. Are the Giants in a slump? Or are they a bad team? Whichever the case, they’re looking pretty ugly these days, and I mean Oakland Raiders ugly.

Right now, the defense can’t stop anybody – or anything. If a stray dog ran out onto the field, it would run right by the 11 men on defense and score a touchdown. Johnny Damon would go wild against these guys. Not only wouldn’t they be covering third base, they wouldn’t cover home plate either. The Giants certainly miss Kenny Phillips, Aaron Ross, Michael Boley and Chris Canty, but do they miss them that much? They’ve given up so many points the last three weeks, I thought I was watching the beginning of the NBA season. Is Mike D’Antoni their new defensive coordinator? “There were a lot of times all you can do is throw your hands in the air and wonder why,” said Justin Tuck. Giant fans everywhere are wondering why, too, Justin. “There’s a reason, and we need to find it out.” You have one week, now get going.

On the offensive side of the ball, Eli Manning is turning into an interception machine, and when he’s not throwing picks, he’s tossing the ball 20 feet over a receiver’s head. Are they running bad routes or is he just stinking it up right now? Is his foot affecting his eyesight? And when the Giants were behind by, oh, 90 points, in the third quarter, there was absolutely no urgency by the team. They were happy-assing their way to the huddle and line of scrimmage, and then handing off on every play while time quickly ticked away. Were they even trying? They could have at least pretended like they wanted to win the game. Sure, the one-two punch of the shredded D and Manning’s INT put the game into garbage-time mode within minutes of the opening kickoff, but where’s the competence and discipline? Where’s the effort and fire?

The Giants are disappointing us all right now. They’re slacking off and not playing up to their potential. Tom Coughlin needs to start acting like my father. Should he call them a bunch of idiots and take away the car keys? Ground them until they’ve learned their lesson and start playing the way they’re capable of playing? Kick their ass because they’re ruining the family name? However he does it, he needs to find the answer and find it fast. There’s still half a season left, but they’re sinking like a stone in the standings. How did they get so bad so quickly? What happened?

All anybody’s talking about in the New York area is the Islanders’ first regulation win over the Rangers (though Jimmy Rollins predicted it on Monday). You can’t walk down the street without somebody stopping you and asking all about the hockey team from Long Island. Will they get on a roll? Is John Tavares the real deal? Islanders, Islanders, Islanders! Everybody’s forgetting all about the bad start of the two local basketball teams, and does anybody even know that the Yankees are in the World Series this year? All the Islanders-all-the-time talk is really taking the pressure off the other local teams.

Here at Hot Stove, we know that the Yankees are in the World Series again, as you can’t get anything by us. The Bronx Bombers paid their $200 million entry fee into the Series, setting up a rematch of the 1950 Fall Classic. And with so many off-days, it seems like there are about 59 years between games in this postseason. In the Series we’ve already seen Cliff Lee nonchalantly put the Bombers’ bats to sleep, and in game two the Yankees proved once again to be Pedro Martinez’s daddy. After the game, Martinez also claimed that Mark Teixeira was his uncle, Hideki Matsui a distant cousin and Jorge Posada was his Aunt Lucille. People in New York may not care for the Phillies (or Eagles or Sixers or Flyers), but not everything from Philly is bad. They did give us two of America’s greatest cultural achievements (no, not Chase Utley’s hair): Cheesesteaks and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Of course, the mayors from the two cities made their usual bet on the Series. Many ideas were tossed around on what the bet would consist of: If the Yankees lose, New York City would change its name to Mike Schmidtville, if Philly loses it would change to Little Smellier New York; if the Phils win NYC would have to replace the Statue of Liberty with a 300-foot statue of the Philly Phanatic, if the Yanks win Philadelphia has to tear down its statue of Rocky and put one up of Clue Haywood; if the Phillies win Pedro Martinez gets to slam the Yankee coach of his choice to the ground once more for old time’s sake, if the Yankees win A.J. Burnett gets to smash a pie filled with stuff fished out of the East River in Shane Victorino’s face. They finally settled on the losing city just disappearing from the face of the earth.

In local football news, the Jets and Giants beat Oakland this season by a combined score of 82-7. The Jets kept things simple for Mark Sanchez, who spent the game eating hot dogs in the huddle while watching his running backs go wild. Teams instantly get back on track when playing the Raiders, but can it work like that in real life, also? If your marriage is on the rocks, can you spend the day with the Oakland Raiders and you’ll be on your way to a second honeymoon? Failing out of high school? Will three hours with the Raiders get those grades back up and you’ll find yourself enrolling in Harvard? If your life is falling apart because of an alcohol problem, will running around the football field for an afternoon with the Raiders put everything back into place? Are the Oakland Raiders the cure for all of our problems?

Player of the Week

Shonn Greene: The Jets rookie stepped in when Leon Washington was lost for the season, and gained a whopping 144 yards and scored two touchdowns. But how many spellings of the name ‘Sean’ do we need? Shonn, Chone, Shean, Sean, Shaun, Shawn. Stop the madness.

Runners Up

A.J. Burnett: The Yanks needed Burnett to come up big, and he was clutch in game two, throwing seven strong innings and outdueling Pedro.

Mariano Rivera: After getting a two-inning save to close out the Angels on Sunday, Rivera did it again last night to save game two of the World Series (though he got a little help from the umps).

Mark Teixeira/Hideki Matsui: Each blasted a homer to right, which was enough offense for the Bronx Bombers. But what’s happening to Alex Rodriguez? 0-8 with six strikeouts in the Series? Uh-oh.

Thomas Jones: Another day at the office for Jones – 121 yards and a TD.

Jets Offensive Line: They only let up one sack and have blocked their way to being the first team to have back-to-back 300 rushing yards since the 1975 Bills, who, of course, featured O.J. Simpson. Let’s just hope that none of these linemen become A.C. Cowlings to Thomas Jones’ O.J.

Calvin Pace: The busy linebacker had three sacks, seven tackles and two forced fumbles. But does it really count if it’s against Oakland?

Andy Pettitte: The veteran lefty notched his record-setting 16^th postseason win, while clinching the ALCS for the Yanks on Sunday.

Kevin Boss: The Giants tight end had three catches, but the one late in the game when he was almost knocked unconscious with a helmet to helmet hit earns him a spot here. That’s one tough dude.

Jeff Tambellini: The Islanders went 1-0-2, this week, and Tambellini picked up three goals and an assist along the way.

Brook Lopez: The Nets big man scored 27 points, hauled in 15 rebounds and blocked five shots, but the Nets still collapsed in Minnesota.

Marian Gaborik: The Ranger star had five points in two games, and left a gaping hole in the lineup when he missed Wednesday’s game.

R.I.P. Bill Chadwick: Legendary Rangers announcer The Big Whistle died on Saturday, at the age of 94. He was colorful, loud and fun. I ranked him #7 on my painstakingly non-researched post of the best local announcers of the last 40 years. He was originally a referee and invented the hand signals that refs still use today. I was watching the Rangers game when his death was announced, which reminds me of the time when I was a kid and was viewing the back-to-back Hogan’s Heroes episodes that channel 5 used to show from 11 PM–midnight, when the news team cut in with the startling report that the show’s star Bob Crane was murdered. I instantly blamed Colonel Klink. Coincidence? Synchronicity? The ghost of Bob Crane has haunted me ever since, though. I constantly wake up to find radios in my coffee pot, tunnels built under my house and Lebeau’s strudel sitting on my kitchen counter.

Schmuck of the Week

Eli Manning: The Giants QB may have been over-thinking things a little too much by changing plays at the line of scrimmage on every down, taking two delay of game penalties along the way and throwing three picks. Or was he listening to the Yankees game in the radio in his helmet?  At any rate, Manning had trouble hooking up with his receivers all game long and never seemed to solve Arizona’s defense.

Ok, that’s two bad games in a row. Last week in New Orleans the defense was the culprit, and last night the offense lost the game for the Giants. Big Blue feasted on the weak teams the first five weeks, but now facing solid teams two weeks in a row, they looked lousy in both games.

The D wasn’t great but came up with two big stops at the end and were good enough to win the game (though the injuries to Kenny Phillips, Aaron Ross and Michael Boley seem to be catching up to them). The offense, on the other hand, was off-kilter and inconsistent all game long. Even Jeff Feagles was terrible. Here’s what we didn’t like:

Eli Manning – he threw three interceptions, only completed about half his passes and looked rattled and confused by Arizona’s defense the whole game. And what’s with all the delay of game penalties? He spent most of his time at the line of scrimmage shaking off Jorge Posada. The receivers didn’t help Manning, though. They ran bad routes and dropped a whole bunch of passes. Mario Manningham missed a pass that was right in his hands that was a sure TD. Even the TD pass that Hakeem Nicks caught was pure luck. Ahmad Bradshaw’s fumble near the end of the game killed them. They were finally putting together a good drive, and he doesn’t take care of the ball. And what was he thinking punching a 300-pound man in the facemask? There were way too many three-and-outs, with some curious play-calling at times. And the offensive line gave up three sacks and Manning was pressured all game.

So how do we judge the Giants? They’re not as good as the 44-7 ass whooping they gave the Raiders, but they’re probably not as bad as the last two games. So how good are they?

Are they better than the Redskins but not as good as the Cowboys and Eagles?

Or are they still the best team in the NFC East (they are still in first place, after all)?

Are they better than 9-7 but not as good as 14-2?

Are they better than the Raiders but not as good as the Saints?

Are they better than the ‘72 Giants but not as good as the ‘86 Giants?

Are they better than the Angels but not as good as the Yankees?

Are they better than Sammy Hagar Van Halen but not as good as David Lee Roth Van Halen?

Are they better than the remake of The Longest Yard but not as good as the original?

Are they better than How I Met Your Mother but not as good as The Office?

Are they better than choking A-Rod but not as good as 2009 A-Rod?

Are they better than Jon Gruden but not as good as Cris Collinsworth?

Are they better than tomato juice but not as good as beer?

Just where do the Giants stand? It’s hard to tell right now. Here’s the oddest moment of the night – I flipped to YES during a commercial, and Smokey Robinson, who was on Center Stage, claimed that his all-time favorite movie is Back to the Future, and he’s seen it over 30 times and knows the dialogue to the whole movie. Why do I find that a little strange? Back to the Future? Sure, it was a nice little entertaining movie, but can you really watch it more than 30 times? And do you want have the whole script taking up all that space in your brain? Maybe the Giants need to go back to the future or back to the drawing board and find out where they’ve been going wrong. Next week they take on the Eagles, and they better turn things around before they start sinking in the standings.

It was a brutal week for the New York football teams, as the Giants got killed and the Jets fell to lowly Buffalo and lost Kris Jenkins for the rest of the season. Even the hockey teams mixed in some debacles with a few wins. And something bad probably happened to the Mets even though their season is long over.

But even after last night’s loss, the Yankees are sitting pretty, with a 3-2 lead in the series and heading back home. With a budget as high as our country’s deficit, the Yanks had two options this offseason: Use their money to cure the U.S. economy or buy a whole bunch of free agents. They chose the latter, and it’s working out just fine (well, for them). Unfortunately, the one aspect of the playoffs that has stood out the most is the atrocious umpiring. The horrible umpiring in this year’s postseason is unprecedented, but there are things out there that are actually worse, if you can believe it. And there’s only one way to discover what those things are – we’re going to have to play Family Feud. So here we go . . . let’s play the Feud! We’ve surveyed 20,000 Americans and came up with the top 20 answers. Name something that is worse than this year’s playoff umpiring. Survey says . . .

Steve Phillips‘ judgment

Steve Phillips’ taste in women

Steve Phillips’ wife’s taste in men

ESPN’s taste in announcers

The closers on every playoff team except the Yankees

Joe Girardi’s decision to bring in Alfredo Aceves in game three

The Angels’ defense

The Angels’ base running

The Islanders

The Nets

The Knicks

The Mets

Bud Selig

Nick Swisher’s ALCS batting average

Chip Caray

The Tennessee Titans

Eric Mangini

An Omar Minaya press conference

Me spending 45 minutes at work watching a flying saucer-shaped balloon fly over Colorado (oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t give that time back for anything)

And the #1 answer: Sobriety

Players of the Week

CC Sabathia: He was the man in games one and four. Eight innings and one run in the first game and then he did it again his next time out on Tuesday. Short rest? No problem. He’s already been storing up food for the winter by eating eight meals a day, so strength wasn’t an issue (ok, he probably does that year-round).

Alex Rodriguez: What’s going on with the erstwhile choke artist? He may be calm and relaxed on the outside, but his clutchness seems to have caught a case of ’roid rage. He has three homers and five RBI’s and is batting .368 in the ALCS

Runners Up

Mariano Rivera: The always reliable Yankees closer has pitched five innings in four games without giving up a run in the series vs. the Angels.

Derek Jeter: He and A-Rod carried the Yanks during the first part of the ALCS. He’s belted two dingers and has driven in three.

Domenik Hixon: The only bright spot for the Giants this week was Hixon’s 281 kickoff and punt return yards.

Thomas Jones: The Jets running back set a franchise-record, with 210 rushing yards. He also had one TD, and two career-long runs in a row (64 and 71 yards), but it wasn’t enough to beat Buffalo.

Zach Parise: The star of the Devils had four goals (including two vs. the Rangers last night) and two assists this week.

Martin Brodeur: The future Hall of Famer ended his hex against Henrik Lundqvist last night and also notched another shutout this week.

Michael Del Zotto: The Ranger teenager added two more goals, which gives him nine points in his first 10 games.

Matt Moulson: In four games this week, the Islander netted three goals and assisted on another.

Schmucks of the Week

Mark Sanchez: He threw a whopping five interceptions, and finished with an 8.3 QB rating on Sunday. Maybe he is the next Joe Namath, after all. Broadway Joe threw a lot more INT’s than TD’s in his career (220 to 173).

Giants D: Not a good game for anyone on the Giants D on Sunday. They let up almost 500 yards, couldn’t cover any of the Saints receivers and didn’t put any pressure on Drew Brees. Are the injuries starting to catch up with them? Did they think too much of themselves and came in to the game unprepared? Or did the recent bad baseball umpiring affect their play?

Sometimes great teams and great people have bad days. Not everything goes as intended. Evel Knievel didn’t make it to the other side of the Snake River Canyon. The Summer of George didn’t go off as planned. You launch your balloon-like contraption in your backyard, forcing your six-year-old son to hide in the crawl space of your garage while alerting the authorities that he’s trapped inside your homemade UFO as it soars across Colorado and the next thing you know you’re being arrested. Even the division-winning 2008 Giants lost to the Cleveland Browns, and the Super Bowl-winning 2007 Giants gave up 80 points in their first two games of the season. The 2009 Giants probably aren’t as good as they looked beating Oakland, 44-7, and they’re most likely not as bad as they looked yesterday, losing to New Orleans, 48-27. Should we just chalk it all up to a bad day and move on?

In honor of his homecoming and as a tribute to his father’s career in New Orleans, Eli Manning gave an impassioned pregame speech imploring his teammates to play like the 1970s Saints. And play like the ’70s Saints they did. Would the old-time Saints have been completely shredded and given up almost 500 yards to a 4-0 team that was an offensive juggernaut? Yes, they would have. And so did the Giants. Would the old-time Saints have put almost no pressure on the opposing quarterback making him look like Roger Staubach (or making Drew Brees look like, well, Drew Brees)? Yes, they would have. And so did the Giants. Would Archie Manning have thrown an interception, fumbled the ball away, chewed out his teammates and gone 14 for 31 for only 178 yards? Yes, he would have. And so did his son. Would the old-time Saints have made a goal-line stand only to turn the ball over seconds later, allowing the opposition to score another TD right before the half? Yes, they would have. And so did the Giants. Would the old-time Saints coaching staff have the offense and defense looking like they were absolutely unprepared and discombobulated, turning what should have been one of the great games of the season into a noncompetitive nightmare? Yes, they would have. And so did the Giants.

Only two good things came out of yesterday: 1) Domenik Hixon amassed 281 yards returning kickoffs and punts, and 2) the Eagles lost to the Raiders. The Giants stomped all over the bad teams they’ve faced this year, but have now failed their first real test against a good team (or was the Cowboys game their first test?). Hopefully, this is just one of those days, and Big Blue will shake it off and return to playing solid, winning football. But maybe Tom Coughlin should have launched his own UFO, had Eli hide in his garage and postpone the game until the whole distraction blew over.

Now that the Great Balloon Hoax of Aught-Nine is over, we can concentrate on sports again (CC Sabathia’s uniform is so big and baggy, it could probably be filled with helium and flown across the country, too). This past week in New York sports, the Yankees swept the Twins and now have to take on those pesky, team-of-destiny Angels, the Giants killed the Raiders to stay undefeated, the Jets suffered their second consecutive loss, the Rangers kept on winning, the Devils heated up, but the poor Islanders still couldn’t manage to notch their first victory of the year. The most bizarre moment of the week, though, was the Mickey Rourke sighting on the Giants sideline. And Kevin Bacon showed up at the Garden for the Knicks preseason home opener. Is the cast of Diner making the rounds of the local sports teams to commemorate the 27^th anniversary of the movie?

Besides being at the Knicks game, Bacon could also be seen hiding in the Yankees dugout on Friday because, unbeknownst to A. J. Burnett, that was Shrevie’s wife, donned in curly black wig, behind the plate and not Jose Molina (or even Carol Heathrow for that matter). And wasn’t that Daniel Stern with a headset on standing next to Rex Ryan on Monday Night Football? I’m not an expert in lip reading, but I think Kris Jenkins put Stern’s James Brown album in the jazz section, and Stern was none too happy about it. I’m pretty sure he was also yelling at the Jets defense, “You never ask me what’s on the flip side!” Paul Reiser was spotted sitting at the end of the Islanders bench on Monday wondering if John Tavares was going to finish his sandwich and telling him, “You know what word I’m not comfortable with? Nuance. It’s not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture’s a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong.” Tim Daly ended up in the penalty box during Wednesday’s Rangers game, and was heard yelling at the Kings, “I’ll hit you so hard, I’ll kill your whole family!” And, yes, that was Steve Guttenberg playing goalie for the Devils against Washington on Monday. He did play Jim Craig in made-for-TV movie Miracle on Ice, after all. Martin Brodeur was busy taking Guttenberg’s hockey quiz, so the actor had to fill in for him.

Player of the Week

Alex Rodriguez: The Yanks’ third baseman batted .455, with two HR’s and six RBI’s in the division series vs. the Twins, and belted a game-tying two-run dinger in the bottom of the ninth on Friday. His transformation from a steroid cheating, adulterous, narcissistic, megalomaniac phony to just a regular narcissistic phony is the talk of the town. He’s even going to star in an upcoming movie, The Pride of Scott Boros.

Runners Up

Ahmad Bradshaw: The Giants backup running back only had 11 carries, but gained an impressive 110 yards and scored two TD’s.

Andy Pettitte: Sunday was Pettitte’s 36^th postseason start, the most in MLB history, and his 15^th win tied him with John Smoltz for most victories. Of course the postseason lasts almost as long as the regular season now. Whitey Ford could have won 30 games if had a chance to pitch in the “postseason” and not just the World Series.

Mariano Rivera: It’s Mariano Rivera Appreciation Week. Look at Joe Nathan, Jonathan Papelbon and Huston Street as exhibits A, B and C to see how good the Yankees have it. The best closer in the history of closers pitched 3.2 scoreless innings, with seven K’s and one walk in the three game series.

Mark Teixeira: The MVP candidate blasted a walk-off homer that just cleared the fence on Friday. Now that it’s playoff time, the deep-pocketed Yankees have specially made shaving cream pies flown in direct from the Gillette factory (though the Yankees had to hire a shaving cream taster to test them for poison beforehand since Gillette is located in South Boston).

Eli Manning: Things couldn’t have worked out better for Manning and the Giants. He was in the game Sunday just long enough to test out his foot and build up a quick 28-0 lead. He went 8 for 10, throwing for 173 yards and two TD’s. He finished with a perfect QB rating of 158.3, which was, coincidentally, the same score I got on my SAT’s.

David Carr: The backup QB mopped up for 2+ quarters, going 9 for 14 (90 yards), and had a rushing TD.

Justin Tuck: The monster defensive end recorded two sacks, a forced fumble and a fumble recovery. He led the D, which dominated―six sacks, three forced fumbles, 124 total yards allowed, and they didn’t give up a first down until well into the second quarter.

Braylon Edwards: The new Jets receiver made his presence felt in his debut, hauling in five passes for 64 yards, including a few acrobatic catches and a TD reception.

Vinny Prospal: The veteran left winger notched two goals and four assists in the three games the Rangers played this week, and netted the 200^th of his career.

Marian Gaborik: Mr. Third Period scored two goals and had two assists in three games. He has a point in all seven contests played by the Blueshirts this season.

David Clarkson: The Devils’ winger scored the game-winner in Saturday’s victory over Florida, and tied the game in the third period in Monday’s shootout win against Washington.

Schmuck of the Week

Rex Ryan: Uh-oh. Did Ryan take classes at the Herm Edwards school of clock management? His defense didn’t seem prepared, but at least he blamed himself for the Jets’ loss to the Dolphins. So he practically volunteered to be the Schmuck of the Week. Don’t forget, he’s a rookie, too. You could throw a few of the Jets players on here, also, for whining about Miami’s wildcat offense.

Yesterday’s Giants game can easily be summed up in four words: Giants good, Raiders bad. Things went exactly as the Giants hoped for. They ran out to a 28-0 lead, with Eli Manning showing no signs of an injured foot. With garbage time starting in the second quarter, the Giants were able to give Manning the rest of the day off, and have David Carr take over from there. Big Blue dominated every aspect of the game, putting up 483 total yards to Oakland’s 124, six sacks to zero and 36:04 to 23:56 in time of possession.

Let’s not waste our time analyzing a blowout, though. Instead, let’s concentrate on the most interesting event of yesterday afternoon: The fact that Mickey Rourke was watching the game from the Giants sideline. What the heck was he doing there? How did he slip by security? I’m just spitballing here, but here are a few reasons I came up with for his appearance mingling with Big Blue:

He came by to personally challenge Brandon Jacobs to a boxing match.

He wanted to prove he wasn’t just acting in The Wrestler, so he took off his shirt and had Justin Tuck staple-gun his back and chest.

His ubiquituous little dog ran away, so the actor has decided he wants to start tucking Ahmad Bradshaw under his arm at public events.

He’s reprising his role as Boogie in Diner, so he was looking for some inside info for his gambling habit.

He had nothing to do so he thought he’d swing by the Meadowlands and spend a lazy Sunday afternoon gabbing with the Giants.

He thought he was at the Oscars and spent 20 minutes chatting with Mario Manningham thinking he was Denzel Washington.

He’s researching a role for his next movie: The Tom Coughlin Story.

He was there to heal Eli Manning’s foot through his special powers of insanity.

For his next challenge, he wants to try out for the Giants, and he figured the best way to do this would be to just show up on the Giants sideline.

He was there to watch wrestling but Vince McMahon gave him the wrong address.

He had absolutely no idea where he was.

The Giants are hand-selecting crazy actors to act as their good luck charm this season.

The Giants’ preseason portion of their schedule is over, as they take on the 4-0 New Orleans Saints next Sunday. If all goes well, Gary Busey will give the Giants one of his patented, impassioned pre-game speeches, which involves literally barking at the team like a dog, and then he’ll be watching from the sidelines, willing the Giants to victory.

The Giants kept on rolling this week, the Jets lost to a good Saints team (but traded for troublemaker Braylon Edwards), hockey season has started, with mixed results for the three local teams, the Mets held a day-long press conference on Monday to announce the firing of two coaches, and the $200-million juggernaut that is the Yankees steamrolled over the Twins in the opening game of their playoff series. Here are some fun facts about the Yanks and Twins:

CC Sabathia eats more food in one year than the farmers of Minnesota produce combined.

Brett Favre was warming up in the Twins bullpen in the seventh inning of Wednesday’s game.

George Steinbrenner gave an inspired speech to the team down in Tampa after the Yankees’ final regular season game. It was short, yet fiery: “Where the hell is my damn calzone!”

After defeating the Tigers in their dramatic one-game showdown on Tuesday, the Twins immediately called Darryl Strawberry, Lenny Dykstra and Keith Hernandez to find out the most effective way to destroy a plane on a flight to New York.

Carlos Gomez almost missed third base, fell down and stopped running when heading for home with the winning run against Detroit because he briefly thought he was back on the Mets.

The real reason Kevin McHale was fired by the Timberwolves was that he spent the last month of his tenure trying to trade Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau to the Red Sox.

Kate Hudson first met Alex Rodriguez when she appraoched him about tips on steroid use, because her husband at the time, Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes, weighed only 39 pounds.

The Yankee players have a plan if they fall behind in the series – they realized that they make so much money they can just buy the Twins and force them to pitch Nick Punto and Michael Cuddyer in games four and five.

Trying to change his manager’s mind about not playing him in game two, Jorge Posada committed two passed balls on Wednesday to show that it’s not just A.J. Burnett he has trouble with – he can’t catch anybody.

Former Yankee and Twin Chuck Knoblauch will be honored before tonight’s game by being handcuffed and hauled away to jail.

Player of the Week

Steve Smith: After his 11 catch, 134 yard, two touchdown day on Sunday, he now leads the NFL in catches, yards and TD receptions. He’s stepped up big-time and turned what seemed like a weakness for the Giants into a strength.

Runners Up

Eli Manning: He had another impressive game on Sunday, although he had to leave with a foot injury. His consecutive game streak is now in doubt. I always thought that the only way he would miss a game would be if he had to film another commercial. Manning moved up to third on the all-time Giants list for TD passes (106), passing Sir Francis Tarkenton. He has a long way to go to catch Phil Simms (199) and Charlie Conerly (173).

Michael Boley: The linebacker recorded a sack and five tackles (four in the backfield for losses), but now he has to have surgery – “and like that . . . he’s gone.” The Giants D held Larry Johnson to 53 yards.

Bryan Kehl: He recovered a fumble on the opening kickoff and grabbed onside kick to start second half. And guess what? He’s out with an injury, too. The Giants better be careful or they’ll turn into the Mets.

Darrelle Revis: It was another shutdown game for the shutdown cornerback.

Alex Rodriguez: He closed out the regular season with two homers and seven RBI’s, all in one inning, which set the AL record for most ribbies in an inning. And he got two hits and drove in two runs – in the playoffs! Maybe he doesn’t know the postseason has started yet.

CC Sabathia/Derek Jeter/Hideki Matsui: They all did what they were supposed to do in game one.

John Tavares/Micheal Del Zotto: The teenagers made their NHL debuts and both scored their first career goals this week. The Islanders phenom had a goal and two assists in a pair of games, while the Rangers’ 19-year-old defenseman racked up four points in four games, with two goals and two assists, and was plus-one.

Marian Gaborik: So far, so good for the Rangers’ big-money acquisition. He piled up four goals and two assists in the team’s first four games, and scored the tying and winning goals in the third period last night to beat Washington.

Nelson Figueroa: The journeyman right-hander threw a complete game shutout on Sunday. The Mets are finally firing on all cylinders, with a three-game winning streak. You mean the season’s finally over? After the game, Met players threw their hats and other equipment into the crowd, but the fans threw it all back.

Schmuck of the Week

Mark Sanchez: He’s not really a schmuck, just a rookie. He threw three INTs and fumbled once, leading to two Saints TD’s. It had to happen sooner or later.

The Giants went into this game as heavy favorites, and won easily, 27-16, with most of Kansas City’s points coming in garbage time. The only way the Chiefs could have beaten the Giants was if they had Len Dawson, Otis Taylor, Ed Podolak, Curly Culp, Buck Buchanan and Jan Stenerud still playing.

The star of the game for New York was Steve Smith. He caught 11 passes for 134 yards and scored two touchdowns – and he barely played in the fourth quarter. And guess what? He now leads all NFL receivers in just about every major category. He’s #1 in receprions (34), #1 in yards (411), #1 in yards per game (102.8) and #1 in TD’s (4). He runs his routes with perfection and always seems to be open. He and Eli Manning have a great chemistry going. Best off all, he doesn’t suffer from the prima donna syndrome that most star receivers are afflicted with these days. I really don’t think Smith will be changing his name to Steve Unodos anytime soon.

The big concern coming out of this game is, of course, Manning’s injury. If it’s just a bruised heel, he should be all right. But if it turns out to be an Achilles problem, it could be trouble. But the Manning family seems to be indestructable. If Archie could survive all those years on those horrible Saints teams, then nothing can keep this family off the field (or away from the cameras making TV commercials).

The checklist going into yesterday’s game included getting some sacks for the first time since week one and getting Brandon Jacobs off the schneid. Both goals were accomplished, as the D sacked Matt Cassel five times and Jacobs had his best game of the year, picking up 92 yards on 21 carries, for a 4.4 average. Michael Boley and Antonio Pierce had good games. Bryan Kehl recovered a fumble on the opening kickoff and then grabbed an onside kick to start the second half. Hakeem Nicks caught one pass, but it was good for a 54-yard TD run, most of it his own doing, dodging tacklers on his way down the sideline.

But the Giants surely weren’t perfect. They’re still settling for too many field goals once they get inside the red zone. And Lawrence Tynes is missing one FGA per game. Where’s Pete Gogolak when you need him (ok, he’s 67 years old, but still)? Mario Manningham dropping and bobbling balls is becoming too commonplace (Manning’s one INT came on a Manningham drop). And they’re still letting teams get too close to them in would-be blowouts.

The Giants’ easy and relaxing early season schedule continues next week, when they host the 1-3 Raiders. It should mean a 5-0 start for Big Blue when they have to start facing some tougher competition - that is unless Oakland brings Ken Stabler, Mark van Eeghen, Fred Biletnikoff, Dave Casper, Otis Sistrunk and Phil Villapiano with them.

Sunday  afternoon was a New York sports fan’s dream (or nightmare) as the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all played at the same time – and they all won (even the Rangers played at noon on Sunday and lost, but we won’t count that because it was preseason). I’m jumping on the bandwagon and doing one of those running diary things that are so popular with the kids these days of that afternoon. Here we go:

12:30: Watch the last half of the first period of the Rangers game and eat a turkey, ham and cheese sandwich.

12:36: Yell at my daughter to quit jumping on the couch.

12:50: Bring plate into kitchen.

12:51: Sit back down in front of TV, and watch Terry Bradshaw, Michael Strahan, Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long laugh.

1:02: Giants game starts. They drive down field with ease and score their first red zone touchdown of the year. It was done so easily, I don’t think there was even another team on the field.

1:21: Switch to Channel 2 to check on the Jets, but the Houston Oilers are playing a team I don’t recognize. I think it’s the Canton Bulldogs or Chicago Cardinals. I want to stick around to see how Dan Pastorini and Billy “White Shoes” Johnson fare, but I want to find the Jets game.

1:23: Flip to ESPN, but the Yankees are in a rain delay. The team is in the clubhouse gathered round John Sterling, who’s reading Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment to them to pass the time.

1:24: Change to Channel 11 to see if the Mets are still allowed to play. New face of the franchise Pat Misch is standing on the mound, so yes, the Mets still exist.

1:25: Keep flipping, looking for the Jets.

1:30: Land on TV Land and get sucked into the Brady Bunch marathon.

1:50: No sign of “pork chops and applesauce,” “oh my nose” or “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” yet.

2:01: Yes! It’s the “Time to Change” episode.

2:11: Peter’s voice cracks.

2:18: The other five kids vote on whether to keep Peter in the band. It’s a tie because Cindy voted twice.

2:20: Greg gets an idea on how to fix their conundrum.

2:21: Greg locks Peter and Bobby out of their room as he writes a new song.

2:24: The Brady Six sing “Time to Change.”

2:33: The Bradys are going to Hawaii!

2:40: Bobby finds a tiki idol.

2:48: Alice throws her back out doing the hula.

2:55: Greg wipes out in a surfing contest. Everyone is worried.

3:03: Greg’s ok.

3:11: A tarantula crawls on Peter.

3:20: I take out the garbage.

3:43: Greg, Peter and Bobby are kidnapped by Vincent Price.

3:50: Mr. Brady saves them, but instead of calling the cops because a creepy old man, who is most likely gay, kidnapped his three sons and might have done unspeakable things to them, he helps the freaky guy and invites him to a luau.

3:55: The Bradys end their Hawaiian vacation with a luau.

4:05: Flip back to Channel 5 in time to see Brett Favre throw a game-winning TD pass. Jets win! Why are they wearing Vikings uniforms, though?

Player of the Week

David Harris: The Jets linebacker was all over the field, and recorded five tackles, a sack and an INT. He obviously wasn’t wearing Bobby Brady’s tiki idol around his neck.

Runners Up

Ahmad Bradshaw: As Derrick Ward gained two yards, his replacement dodged tackles and darted in and out of holes all day to gain 104 yards on only 14 carries. But now, like most Giants, he’s injured, though he’s probable for Sunday’s game.

Giants Offensive Line: They led the way as the Giants productive running game returned, and they allowed zero sacks for the second game in a row.

Jerricho Cotchery: The standout on offense for the Jets, he had eight catches for 108 yards and hauled in a touchdown pass.

Giants D: It’s cheating to put the whole defense here, but there really wasn’t an individual standout on Sunday. It’s hard to ignore the fact, though, that they only let up 86 total yards and five first downs in the game. Sure, Tampa Bay stinks, but they are in the NFL.

Bart Scott: The loud linebacker led the Jets with nine tackles.

Mark Sanchez: Sure, he made some mistakes (and may have taken some liberties with the ladies), but he rushed for a TD, diving headfirst into the end zone, which impressed his teammates. He’s the first rookie QB in NFL history to start the season 3-0.

CC Sabathia/A.J. Burnett: The big two are tuning up for the playoffs. Sabathia threw seven shutout innings in Saturday’s win over the Sox, and Burnett has a 1.89 ERA over his last three starts.

Robinson Cano/Derek Jeter: The second baseman hit .375 this week, with two long balls and six ribbies, while the Captain batted a lofty .563.

Pat Misch: He was almost scratched from his start on Sunday due to a severe bout of ineffectiveness, but Jerry Manuel realized the only person the Mets had left who could make a start was the ball boy. Misch went out and threw a complete game shutout vs. Florida.

Schmucks of the Week

The Mets: They’re finishing their schmuck-like season in a very schmuck-like way. David Wright forgot there were two outs and then lollygagged around the bases on Saturday night, costing the Mets a run, and has been ole-ing the ball down at third all week, Frankie Rodriguez gave up five runs in the ninth to the Nats, who were 0-87 when losing after the eighth inning this year, Jose Reyes tore his hamstring, the defense made about 100 errors this week, and on and on and on.