The Knicks won a game this week! And The Answer may be coming to New York (so the question must be: Will a desperate team do anything to keep their fans interested?). But with last Friday’s loss, the Knicks established the worst 10-game start in franchise history. Things could be a lot worse, though; here are some other bad starts throughout history that may help them feel better about themselves: The Hindenburg blew up over New Jersey on the first of its 10 scheduled round-trips between Europe and the United States, killing 36 people; the Titanic hit an iceberg and sunk four days into its maiden voyage; William Henry Harrison died of a cold one month into his presidency in 1841; Wally Backman lasted four days as manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks before he was unceremoniously shown the door; Gilligan’s three-hour tour got off to an inauspicious start, getting stranded on a deserted island for 15 years, until the castaways were miraculously rescued, followed by them buying the island but almost losing it in an evil scam until they were helped out of the jam by the Harlem Globetrotters; Richie Cunningham’s brother Chuck on Happy Days appeared in only two episodes in the first season and was never heard from again; the Seattle Pilots existed for one measly year before moving to Milwaukee; and my career selling rodeo tickets over the phone lasted two days before I woke up and came to my senses. The lesson in all this for the Knicks is that they could explode in a fireball over New Jersey at any moment, sink to the bottom of the ocean taking Leonardo DiCaprio with them or be written out of the NBA altogether like Chuck Cunningham was. The best case scenario for the team: The Harlem Globetrotters come to the Garden and save their ass.

That takes care of the Knicks; now let’s look at the other local teams and we’ll put fun, convenient labels on them to boot:

An Efficient Machine

Devils: Their nine-game road winning streak (one short of tying the NHL record) and eight-game overall winning streak both ended on Monday night in Philly on Dave Schultz Night, as he was inducted into the Flyers Hall of Fame. Is there any significance or special meaning to that? Schultz was the personification of the brawling 1970s, and holds the all-time single-season record for penalty minutes, with 472 in 1974-’75. Isn’t it about time that somebody started a Hockey Goon Hall of Fame? (Trivia: Schultz’s brother appeared in Slap Shot as an opposing player.) Jacques Lemaire and the Devils are the epitome of defensive hockey. They rank 21^st in goals per game, at 2.56, but their league-leading 2.07 goals against average has them in first place in the Atlantic Division (despite two losses in a row). Lemaire spent much of his playing days learning how to play defense by centering a line with Guy Lafleur and Steve Shutt, as he had to backcheck his way through many a game, while those two sharp shooters poured in goal after goal.

Surprise Team

Islanders: After getting off to a rocky start, the Islanders are one of the surprise teams of the NHL. That’s what hard work will do for you. John Tavares is living up to his billing (19 points), while Matt Moulson is turning into the find of the century (18 points). They’re going in the opposite direction than the Rangers, who they’ve caught in the standings, both totaling 23 points.

Sinking (But it’s a Long Season)

Rangers: The good times (7-1 start) are over (4-8-1 since). They can’t score, they’re not tough enough, they’re too easy to play against, they take too many penalties, they have too many defensive breakdowns and they’re shorthanded at center with no replacements in sight. Can they recover or is the makeup of the roster too much to overcome? Maybe John Tortorella should start crying. That seems to be the coaching technique du jour.

Sinking (But There’s Still Hope)

Giants: They had their best week in over a month, with Dallas, Philly and even Atlanta (if you’re starting to keep track of the wild card race) all losing. The Giants haven’t looked this good since they defeated Oakland. The key to their success, of course, was not actually playing a game. Their best strategy from here on out may be to not take the field at all. Can you decline the rest of your schedule the way you can decline a penalty and take your chances on your present record?

Sinking (And They’re Running Out of Time)

Jets: The Jets players are making their coach cry. But poor clock management, wasted timeouts, a plethora of turnovers and a defense that can’t make the big stop are making Jet fans cry. The team has the swagger part down; it’s just the beating the opponent part that’s troubling them. Mark Sanchez has a prepared statement all set to go for his next postgame press conference on why he entered a hot dog eating contest at halftime of their game up in New England on Sunday.

Disaster

Nets: The Nets are doing even worse than the Knicks, and are planning to jump back to the ABA before they have a chance to go 0-82. They’re hoping to put a schedule together and play against the Spirits of St, Louis, San Diego Conquistadors, Virginia Squires, Memphis Tams and Kentucky Colonels once again and regain their dominance in that defunct league. They play the Knicks on Saturday (if they can scrounge up enough players). Will the world explode if one of those teams actually wins the game?

All anybody’s talking about in the New York area is the Islanders’ first regulation win over the Rangers (though Jimmy Rollins predicted it on Monday). You can’t walk down the street without somebody stopping you and asking all about the hockey team from Long Island. Will they get on a roll? Is John Tavares the real deal? Islanders, Islanders, Islanders! Everybody’s forgetting all about the bad start of the two local basketball teams, and does anybody even know that the Yankees are in the World Series this year? All the Islanders-all-the-time talk is really taking the pressure off the other local teams.

Here at Hot Stove, we know that the Yankees are in the World Series again, as you can’t get anything by us. The Bronx Bombers paid their $200 million entry fee into the Series, setting up a rematch of the 1950 Fall Classic. And with so many off-days, it seems like there are about 59 years between games in this postseason. In the Series we’ve already seen Cliff Lee nonchalantly put the Bombers’ bats to sleep, and in game two the Yankees proved once again to be Pedro Martinez’s daddy. After the game, Martinez also claimed that Mark Teixeira was his uncle, Hideki Matsui a distant cousin and Jorge Posada was his Aunt Lucille. People in New York may not care for the Phillies (or Eagles or Sixers or Flyers), but not everything from Philly is bad. They did give us two of America’s greatest cultural achievements (no, not Chase Utley’s hair): Cheesesteaks and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Of course, the mayors from the two cities made their usual bet on the Series. Many ideas were tossed around on what the bet would consist of: If the Yankees lose, New York City would change its name to Mike Schmidtville, if Philly loses it would change to Little Smellier New York; if the Phils win NYC would have to replace the Statue of Liberty with a 300-foot statue of the Philly Phanatic, if the Yanks win Philadelphia has to tear down its statue of Rocky and put one up of Clue Haywood; if the Phillies win Pedro Martinez gets to slam the Yankee coach of his choice to the ground once more for old time’s sake, if the Yankees win A.J. Burnett gets to smash a pie filled with stuff fished out of the East River in Shane Victorino’s face. They finally settled on the losing city just disappearing from the face of the earth.

In local football news, the Jets and Giants beat Oakland this season by a combined score of 82-7. The Jets kept things simple for Mark Sanchez, who spent the game eating hot dogs in the huddle while watching his running backs go wild. Teams instantly get back on track when playing the Raiders, but can it work like that in real life, also? If your marriage is on the rocks, can you spend the day with the Oakland Raiders and you’ll be on your way to a second honeymoon? Failing out of high school? Will three hours with the Raiders get those grades back up and you’ll find yourself enrolling in Harvard? If your life is falling apart because of an alcohol problem, will running around the football field for an afternoon with the Raiders put everything back into place? Are the Oakland Raiders the cure for all of our problems?

Player of the Week

Shonn Greene: The Jets rookie stepped in when Leon Washington was lost for the season, and gained a whopping 144 yards and scored two touchdowns. But how many spellings of the name ‘Sean’ do we need? Shonn, Chone, Shean, Sean, Shaun, Shawn. Stop the madness.

Runners Up

A.J. Burnett: The Yanks needed Burnett to come up big, and he was clutch in game two, throwing seven strong innings and outdueling Pedro.

Mariano Rivera: After getting a two-inning save to close out the Angels on Sunday, Rivera did it again last night to save game two of the World Series (though he got a little help from the umps).

Mark Teixeira/Hideki Matsui: Each blasted a homer to right, which was enough offense for the Bronx Bombers. But what’s happening to Alex Rodriguez? 0-8 with six strikeouts in the Series? Uh-oh.

Thomas Jones: Another day at the office for Jones – 121 yards and a TD.

Jets Offensive Line: They only let up one sack and have blocked their way to being the first team to have back-to-back 300 rushing yards since the 1975 Bills, who, of course, featured O.J. Simpson. Let’s just hope that none of these linemen become A.C. Cowlings to Thomas Jones’ O.J.

Calvin Pace: The busy linebacker had three sacks, seven tackles and two forced fumbles. But does it really count if it’s against Oakland?

Andy Pettitte: The veteran lefty notched his record-setting 16^th postseason win, while clinching the ALCS for the Yanks on Sunday.

Kevin Boss: The Giants tight end had three catches, but the one late in the game when he was almost knocked unconscious with a helmet to helmet hit earns him a spot here. That’s one tough dude.

Jeff Tambellini: The Islanders went 1-0-2, this week, and Tambellini picked up three goals and an assist along the way.

Brook Lopez: The Nets big man scored 27 points, hauled in 15 rebounds and blocked five shots, but the Nets still collapsed in Minnesota.

Marian Gaborik: The Ranger star had five points in two games, and left a gaping hole in the lineup when he missed Wednesday’s game.

R.I.P. Bill Chadwick: Legendary Rangers announcer The Big Whistle died on Saturday, at the age of 94. He was colorful, loud and fun. I ranked him #7 on my painstakingly non-researched post of the best local announcers of the last 40 years. He was originally a referee and invented the hand signals that refs still use today. I was watching the Rangers game when his death was announced, which reminds me of the time when I was a kid and was viewing the back-to-back Hogan’s Heroes episodes that channel 5 used to show from 11 PM–midnight, when the news team cut in with the startling report that the show’s star Bob Crane was murdered. I instantly blamed Colonel Klink. Coincidence? Synchronicity? The ghost of Bob Crane has haunted me ever since, though. I constantly wake up to find radios in my coffee pot, tunnels built under my house and Lebeau’s strudel sitting on my kitchen counter.

Schmuck of the Week

Eli Manning: The Giants QB may have been over-thinking things a little too much by changing plays at the line of scrimmage on every down, taking two delay of game penalties along the way and throwing three picks. Or was he listening to the Yankees game in the radio in his helmet?  At any rate, Manning had trouble hooking up with his receivers all game long and never seemed to solve Arizona’s defense.

It was a brutal week for the New York football teams, as the Giants got killed and the Jets fell to lowly Buffalo and lost Kris Jenkins for the rest of the season. Even the hockey teams mixed in some debacles with a few wins. And something bad probably happened to the Mets even though their season is long over.

But even after last night’s loss, the Yankees are sitting pretty, with a 3-2 lead in the series and heading back home. With a budget as high as our country’s deficit, the Yanks had two options this offseason: Use their money to cure the U.S. economy or buy a whole bunch of free agents. They chose the latter, and it’s working out just fine (well, for them). Unfortunately, the one aspect of the playoffs that has stood out the most is the atrocious umpiring. The horrible umpiring in this year’s postseason is unprecedented, but there are things out there that are actually worse, if you can believe it. And there’s only one way to discover what those things are – we’re going to have to play Family Feud. So here we go . . . let’s play the Feud! We’ve surveyed 20,000 Americans and came up with the top 20 answers. Name something that is worse than this year’s playoff umpiring. Survey says . . .

Steve Phillips‘ judgment

Steve Phillips’ taste in women

Steve Phillips’ wife’s taste in men

ESPN’s taste in announcers

The closers on every playoff team except the Yankees

Joe Girardi’s decision to bring in Alfredo Aceves in game three

The Angels’ defense

The Angels’ base running

The Islanders

The Nets

The Knicks

The Mets

Bud Selig

Nick Swisher’s ALCS batting average

Chip Caray

The Tennessee Titans

Eric Mangini

An Omar Minaya press conference

Me spending 45 minutes at work watching a flying saucer-shaped balloon fly over Colorado (oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t give that time back for anything)

And the #1 answer: Sobriety

Players of the Week

CC Sabathia: He was the man in games one and four. Eight innings and one run in the first game and then he did it again his next time out on Tuesday. Short rest? No problem. He’s already been storing up food for the winter by eating eight meals a day, so strength wasn’t an issue (ok, he probably does that year-round).

Alex Rodriguez: What’s going on with the erstwhile choke artist? He may be calm and relaxed on the outside, but his clutchness seems to have caught a case of ’roid rage. He has three homers and five RBI’s and is batting .368 in the ALCS

Runners Up

Mariano Rivera: The always reliable Yankees closer has pitched five innings in four games without giving up a run in the series vs. the Angels.

Derek Jeter: He and A-Rod carried the Yanks during the first part of the ALCS. He’s belted two dingers and has driven in three.

Domenik Hixon: The only bright spot for the Giants this week was Hixon’s 281 kickoff and punt return yards.

Thomas Jones: The Jets running back set a franchise-record, with 210 rushing yards. He also had one TD, and two career-long runs in a row (64 and 71 yards), but it wasn’t enough to beat Buffalo.

Zach Parise: The star of the Devils had four goals (including two vs. the Rangers last night) and two assists this week.

Martin Brodeur: The future Hall of Famer ended his hex against Henrik Lundqvist last night and also notched another shutout this week.

Michael Del Zotto: The Ranger teenager added two more goals, which gives him nine points in his first 10 games.

Matt Moulson: In four games this week, the Islander netted three goals and assisted on another.

Schmucks of the Week

Mark Sanchez: He threw a whopping five interceptions, and finished with an 8.3 QB rating on Sunday. Maybe he is the next Joe Namath, after all. Broadway Joe threw a lot more INT’s than TD’s in his career (220 to 173).

Giants D: Not a good game for anyone on the Giants D on Sunday. They let up almost 500 yards, couldn’t cover any of the Saints receivers and didn’t put any pressure on Drew Brees. Are the injuries starting to catch up with them? Did they think too much of themselves and came in to the game unprepared? Or did the recent bad baseball umpiring affect their play?

Now that the Great Balloon Hoax of Aught-Nine is over, we can concentrate on sports again (CC Sabathia’s uniform is so big and baggy, it could probably be filled with helium and flown across the country, too). This past week in New York sports, the Yankees swept the Twins and now have to take on those pesky, team-of-destiny Angels, the Giants killed the Raiders to stay undefeated, the Jets suffered their second consecutive loss, the Rangers kept on winning, the Devils heated up, but the poor Islanders still couldn’t manage to notch their first victory of the year. The most bizarre moment of the week, though, was the Mickey Rourke sighting on the Giants sideline. And Kevin Bacon showed up at the Garden for the Knicks preseason home opener. Is the cast of Diner making the rounds of the local sports teams to commemorate the 27^th anniversary of the movie?

Besides being at the Knicks game, Bacon could also be seen hiding in the Yankees dugout on Friday because, unbeknownst to A. J. Burnett, that was Shrevie’s wife, donned in curly black wig, behind the plate and not Jose Molina (or even Carol Heathrow for that matter). And wasn’t that Daniel Stern with a headset on standing next to Rex Ryan on Monday Night Football? I’m not an expert in lip reading, but I think Kris Jenkins put Stern’s James Brown album in the jazz section, and Stern was none too happy about it. I’m pretty sure he was also yelling at the Jets defense, “You never ask me what’s on the flip side!” Paul Reiser was spotted sitting at the end of the Islanders bench on Monday wondering if John Tavares was going to finish his sandwich and telling him, “You know what word I’m not comfortable with? Nuance. It’s not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture’s a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong.” Tim Daly ended up in the penalty box during Wednesday’s Rangers game, and was heard yelling at the Kings, “I’ll hit you so hard, I’ll kill your whole family!” And, yes, that was Steve Guttenberg playing goalie for the Devils against Washington on Monday. He did play Jim Craig in made-for-TV movie Miracle on Ice, after all. Martin Brodeur was busy taking Guttenberg’s hockey quiz, so the actor had to fill in for him.

Player of the Week

Alex Rodriguez: The Yanks’ third baseman batted .455, with two HR’s and six RBI’s in the division series vs. the Twins, and belted a game-tying two-run dinger in the bottom of the ninth on Friday. His transformation from a steroid cheating, adulterous, narcissistic, megalomaniac phony to just a regular narcissistic phony is the talk of the town. He’s even going to star in an upcoming movie, The Pride of Scott Boros.

Runners Up

Ahmad Bradshaw: The Giants backup running back only had 11 carries, but gained an impressive 110 yards and scored two TD’s.

Andy Pettitte: Sunday was Pettitte’s 36^th postseason start, the most in MLB history, and his 15^th win tied him with John Smoltz for most victories. Of course the postseason lasts almost as long as the regular season now. Whitey Ford could have won 30 games if had a chance to pitch in the “postseason” and not just the World Series.

Mariano Rivera: It’s Mariano Rivera Appreciation Week. Look at Joe Nathan, Jonathan Papelbon and Huston Street as exhibits A, B and C to see how good the Yankees have it. The best closer in the history of closers pitched 3.2 scoreless innings, with seven K’s and one walk in the three game series.

Mark Teixeira: The MVP candidate blasted a walk-off homer that just cleared the fence on Friday. Now that it’s playoff time, the deep-pocketed Yankees have specially made shaving cream pies flown in direct from the Gillette factory (though the Yankees had to hire a shaving cream taster to test them for poison beforehand since Gillette is located in South Boston).

Eli Manning: Things couldn’t have worked out better for Manning and the Giants. He was in the game Sunday just long enough to test out his foot and build up a quick 28-0 lead. He went 8 for 10, throwing for 173 yards and two TD’s. He finished with a perfect QB rating of 158.3, which was, coincidentally, the same score I got on my SAT’s.

David Carr: The backup QB mopped up for 2+ quarters, going 9 for 14 (90 yards), and had a rushing TD.

Justin Tuck: The monster defensive end recorded two sacks, a forced fumble and a fumble recovery. He led the D, which dominated―six sacks, three forced fumbles, 124 total yards allowed, and they didn’t give up a first down until well into the second quarter.

Braylon Edwards: The new Jets receiver made his presence felt in his debut, hauling in five passes for 64 yards, including a few acrobatic catches and a TD reception.

Vinny Prospal: The veteran left winger notched two goals and four assists in the three games the Rangers played this week, and netted the 200^th of his career.

Marian Gaborik: Mr. Third Period scored two goals and had two assists in three games. He has a point in all seven contests played by the Blueshirts this season.

David Clarkson: The Devils’ winger scored the game-winner in Saturday’s victory over Florida, and tied the game in the third period in Monday’s shootout win against Washington.

Schmuck of the Week

Rex Ryan: Uh-oh. Did Ryan take classes at the Herm Edwards school of clock management? His defense didn’t seem prepared, but at least he blamed himself for the Jets’ loss to the Dolphins. So he practically volunteered to be the Schmuck of the Week. Don’t forget, he’s a rookie, too. You could throw a few of the Jets players on here, also, for whining about Miami’s wildcat offense.

The Giants kept on rolling this week, the Jets lost to a good Saints team (but traded for troublemaker Braylon Edwards), hockey season has started, with mixed results for the three local teams, the Mets held a day-long press conference on Monday to announce the firing of two coaches, and the $200-million juggernaut that is the Yankees steamrolled over the Twins in the opening game of their playoff series. Here are some fun facts about the Yanks and Twins:

CC Sabathia eats more food in one year than the farmers of Minnesota produce combined.

Brett Favre was warming up in the Twins bullpen in the seventh inning of Wednesday’s game.

George Steinbrenner gave an inspired speech to the team down in Tampa after the Yankees’ final regular season game. It was short, yet fiery: “Where the hell is my damn calzone!”

After defeating the Tigers in their dramatic one-game showdown on Tuesday, the Twins immediately called Darryl Strawberry, Lenny Dykstra and Keith Hernandez to find out the most effective way to destroy a plane on a flight to New York.

Carlos Gomez almost missed third base, fell down and stopped running when heading for home with the winning run against Detroit because he briefly thought he was back on the Mets.

The real reason Kevin McHale was fired by the Timberwolves was that he spent the last month of his tenure trying to trade Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau to the Red Sox.

Kate Hudson first met Alex Rodriguez when she appraoched him about tips on steroid use, because her husband at the time, Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes, weighed only 39 pounds.

The Yankee players have a plan if they fall behind in the series – they realized that they make so much money they can just buy the Twins and force them to pitch Nick Punto and Michael Cuddyer in games four and five.

Trying to change his manager’s mind about not playing him in game two, Jorge Posada committed two passed balls on Wednesday to show that it’s not just A.J. Burnett he has trouble with – he can’t catch anybody.

Former Yankee and Twin Chuck Knoblauch will be honored before tonight’s game by being handcuffed and hauled away to jail.

Player of the Week

Steve Smith: After his 11 catch, 134 yard, two touchdown day on Sunday, he now leads the NFL in catches, yards and TD receptions. He’s stepped up big-time and turned what seemed like a weakness for the Giants into a strength.

Runners Up

Eli Manning: He had another impressive game on Sunday, although he had to leave with a foot injury. His consecutive game streak is now in doubt. I always thought that the only way he would miss a game would be if he had to film another commercial. Manning moved up to third on the all-time Giants list for TD passes (106), passing Sir Francis Tarkenton. He has a long way to go to catch Phil Simms (199) and Charlie Conerly (173).

Michael Boley: The linebacker recorded a sack and five tackles (four in the backfield for losses), but now he has to have surgery – “and like that . . . he’s gone.” The Giants D held Larry Johnson to 53 yards.

Bryan Kehl: He recovered a fumble on the opening kickoff and grabbed onside kick to start second half. And guess what? He’s out with an injury, too. The Giants better be careful or they’ll turn into the Mets.

Darrelle Revis: It was another shutdown game for the shutdown cornerback.

Alex Rodriguez: He closed out the regular season with two homers and seven RBI’s, all in one inning, which set the AL record for most ribbies in an inning. And he got two hits and drove in two runs – in the playoffs! Maybe he doesn’t know the postseason has started yet.

CC Sabathia/Derek Jeter/Hideki Matsui: They all did what they were supposed to do in game one.

John Tavares/Micheal Del Zotto: The teenagers made their NHL debuts and both scored their first career goals this week. The Islanders phenom had a goal and two assists in a pair of games, while the Rangers’ 19-year-old defenseman racked up four points in four games, with two goals and two assists, and was plus-one.

Marian Gaborik: So far, so good for the Rangers’ big-money acquisition. He piled up four goals and two assists in the team’s first four games, and scored the tying and winning goals in the third period last night to beat Washington.

Nelson Figueroa: The journeyman right-hander threw a complete game shutout on Sunday. The Mets are finally firing on all cylinders, with a three-game winning streak. You mean the season’s finally over? After the game, Met players threw their hats and other equipment into the crowd, but the fans threw it all back.

Schmuck of the Week

Mark Sanchez: He’s not really a schmuck, just a rookie. He threw three INTs and fumbled once, leading to two Saints TD’s. It had to happen sooner or later.

Sunday  afternoon was a New York sports fan’s dream (or nightmare) as the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all played at the same time – and they all won (even the Rangers played at noon on Sunday and lost, but we won’t count that because it was preseason). I’m jumping on the bandwagon and doing one of those running diary things that are so popular with the kids these days of that afternoon. Here we go:

12:30: Watch the last half of the first period of the Rangers game and eat a turkey, ham and cheese sandwich.

12:36: Yell at my daughter to quit jumping on the couch.

12:50: Bring plate into kitchen.

12:51: Sit back down in front of TV, and watch Terry Bradshaw, Michael Strahan, Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long laugh.

1:02: Giants game starts. They drive down field with ease and score their first red zone touchdown of the year. It was done so easily, I don’t think there was even another team on the field.

1:21: Switch to Channel 2 to check on the Jets, but the Houston Oilers are playing a team I don’t recognize. I think it’s the Canton Bulldogs or Chicago Cardinals. I want to stick around to see how Dan Pastorini and Billy “White Shoes” Johnson fare, but I want to find the Jets game.

1:23: Flip to ESPN, but the Yankees are in a rain delay. The team is in the clubhouse gathered round John Sterling, who’s reading Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment to them to pass the time.

1:24: Change to Channel 11 to see if the Mets are still allowed to play. New face of the franchise Pat Misch is standing on the mound, so yes, the Mets still exist.

1:25: Keep flipping, looking for the Jets.

1:30: Land on TV Land and get sucked into the Brady Bunch marathon.

1:50: No sign of “pork chops and applesauce,” “oh my nose” or “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” yet.

2:01: Yes! It’s the “Time to Change” episode.

2:11: Peter’s voice cracks.

2:18: The other five kids vote on whether to keep Peter in the band. It’s a tie because Cindy voted twice.

2:20: Greg gets an idea on how to fix their conundrum.

2:21: Greg locks Peter and Bobby out of their room as he writes a new song.

2:24: The Brady Six sing “Time to Change.”

2:33: The Bradys are going to Hawaii!

2:40: Bobby finds a tiki idol.

2:48: Alice throws her back out doing the hula.

2:55: Greg wipes out in a surfing contest. Everyone is worried.

3:03: Greg’s ok.

3:11: A tarantula crawls on Peter.

3:20: I take out the garbage.

3:43: Greg, Peter and Bobby are kidnapped by Vincent Price.

3:50: Mr. Brady saves them, but instead of calling the cops because a creepy old man, who is most likely gay, kidnapped his three sons and might have done unspeakable things to them, he helps the freaky guy and invites him to a luau.

3:55: The Bradys end their Hawaiian vacation with a luau.

4:05: Flip back to Channel 5 in time to see Brett Favre throw a game-winning TD pass. Jets win! Why are they wearing Vikings uniforms, though?

Player of the Week

David Harris: The Jets linebacker was all over the field, and recorded five tackles, a sack and an INT. He obviously wasn’t wearing Bobby Brady’s tiki idol around his neck.

Runners Up

Ahmad Bradshaw: As Derrick Ward gained two yards, his replacement dodged tackles and darted in and out of holes all day to gain 104 yards on only 14 carries. But now, like most Giants, he’s injured, though he’s probable for Sunday’s game.

Giants Offensive Line: They led the way as the Giants productive running game returned, and they allowed zero sacks for the second game in a row.

Jerricho Cotchery: The standout on offense for the Jets, he had eight catches for 108 yards and hauled in a touchdown pass.

Giants D: It’s cheating to put the whole defense here, but there really wasn’t an individual standout on Sunday. It’s hard to ignore the fact, though, that they only let up 86 total yards and five first downs in the game. Sure, Tampa Bay stinks, but they are in the NFL.

Bart Scott: The loud linebacker led the Jets with nine tackles.

Mark Sanchez: Sure, he made some mistakes (and may have taken some liberties with the ladies), but he rushed for a TD, diving headfirst into the end zone, which impressed his teammates. He’s the first rookie QB in NFL history to start the season 3-0.

CC Sabathia/A.J. Burnett: The big two are tuning up for the playoffs. Sabathia threw seven shutout innings in Saturday’s win over the Sox, and Burnett has a 1.89 ERA over his last three starts.

Robinson Cano/Derek Jeter: The second baseman hit .375 this week, with two long balls and six ribbies, while the Captain batted a lofty .563.

Pat Misch: He was almost scratched from his start on Sunday due to a severe bout of ineffectiveness, but Jerry Manuel realized the only person the Mets had left who could make a start was the ball boy. Misch went out and threw a complete game shutout vs. Florida.

Schmucks of the Week

The Mets: They’re finishing their schmuck-like season in a very schmuck-like way. David Wright forgot there were two outs and then lollygagged around the bases on Saturday night, costing the Mets a run, and has been ole-ing the ball down at third all week, Frankie Rodriguez gave up five runs in the ninth to the Nats, who were 0-87 when losing after the eighth inning this year, Jose Reyes tore his hamstring, the defense made about 100 errors this week, and on and on and on.

A Giant won, a Jet soared and a Yankee guaranteed that New York is the best place to call home.

Three sports team hailing from New York had simultaneous starts this afternoon (Yanks not on time due to rain delay).The Yankees, Giants and Jets each had something to prove today.

The Yankees had a reason to celebrate and be proud of this seasons accomplishments. The Bombers clinched the American League East Division for the playoffs which gives them home field advantage and an extra day off at their disposal.

The biggest upside for the Bombers not having to fly back to Anaheim to play the Angels in the first round.  The Angels are that good and that scary.

Realizing why the Yanks looked like a beaten club even when they beat the Angels is because the Angels play small ball, long ball and run the bases fiercely. Easily, the Angels have the most comparable batting line-up to the Yankees so pitchers have to be virtually perfect. The Angels are relentless in winning and their formula works.

No one is taking anything away from having to face the Tigers or the Twins to start, as both talented ball clubs. Being at home is comfortable, familiar and starting with having an entire city cheering you on beats flying across the country to face a team like Anaheim.

The Giants are still looking like the solid champs of two years back.

Big Blue won their third game in a row, a great way to start the season and one with so many unanswered questions.

The question of wide receiver has been a continual tryout to see who would be Eli’s new Plaxico. This looming question is far from an answer. Actually, it might never really get a solid answer.

The Giants do not need an answer but this third win in a row means the team does not want one either. The rotating group wide receivers are being lead by a solid Eli Manning at quarterback. Maybe that is the answer at least part one.

Part two, three and four being the defense, o-line and running game all being top of their game gives the wiggle room for Coach Coughlin to have season long tryouts.

The Jets who have been the football version of the Mets. Predicted going into the season to be good to leave fans with one disappointing lose after another. That has been the theme of the Jets, one letdown after another. Always with one glimmer of what could have been at least once a season. This entailed beating some team that even shocked the Jets themselves, leaving a worn out fan base to see that maybe next year will be better.

Welcome to that next year Jet fans.

Those Jets of the past can stay in the past. That is now a fact after defeating Tennessee Titans to go 3-0 to start the season. It might seem like a dream but it’s not and after today you can relax because last weekends win was not just luck.

It was a mini Super Bowl for Jets fans as their division mates, the mighty Patriots came to the Meadowlands and lost last week. As a Giants fan I have to say I was impressed and happy for the Jets to finally look competitive.

Rex Ryan is just the leader this team needed. Being in your first year as coach to have the players already playing for you (the coach) speaks volumes of the man Coach Ryan is. What he did against the Pats, leaving voicemails for every season ticket holder asking the fans to cheer, obviously did more then just elevates noise. It made the players believe which in turn inspires and that is what champions are made off. The other New York team is a perfect example of that.

The day anyone thought that the notion or consideration of a possible Subway Series Super Bowl would be anything more then just a really funny joke can now make it a reality. If the two New York teams keep winning which means playing this well, all season long, it could happen.

It is early, it is the Jets but even more reason to have faith in the now.

The Giants and Jets both beat division archrivals this past week. And both are 2-0 and sitting atop their respective divisions. The Giants went down to Texas and paid the Cowboys back for beating them in the first-ever game at the Meadowlands in 1976 (Dallas won, 24-14). Of course, Giants Stadium didn’t receive quite the same amount of hoopla as Cowboys Stadium has gotten this week. Here are some reviews from 33 years ago when the Giants home first opened:

“It just looks like a regular football stadium. Where is the 60-yard JumboTron? Where are the go-go dancers? What do they plan to do here, just play football?”

“Where do you put 78,000 angry New Jersey residents to watch Doug Kotar gain 500 yards a season? The new Giants Stadium, that’s where.”

“The new stadium is a modern marvel, but can they do something about that swampy smell?”

“It just goes to show you the power of the Mob that they got this stadium built all the way out in the middle of nowhere in Jersey just to cover up Jimmy Hoffa’s body.”

“It’s only been open for a week, but I think it’s sinking.”

“The House That Craig Morton Built.”

As for the Jets, they backed up all their trash talk about the Patriots and gave them a whuppin’. Rex Ryan famously said he didn’t come to New York to kiss Bill Belichick’s rings and on Sunday he proved it. Here are some other things Ryan didn’t come here to kiss: Suzy Kolber, Leon Washington, Ashley Dupre, Fredo Corleone, Donald Trump’s hair, KISS and Belichick’s ratty old sweatshirt (why doesn’t he wear that thing anymore? Maybe that’s why the Pats aren’t invincible these days – it was all in the hoody).

The beauty of living and/or working in New York is that you never know what celebrity or personality you’re going to see on the street. When I left my office on my lunch break on Monday, who did I spot standing out on the sidewalk? The one and only Mr. Met (and no, he wasn’t panhandling). I can be angry at the Mets for being fundamentally challenged, for their lack of effort, for mismanagement of the team, for their boneheaded decison-making, for re-signing Oliver Perez, for counting on Carlos Delgado and for now going through the motions as they finish out the season, but I can never, ever be mad at Mr. Met.

The Yankees beat their nemesis, the Angels, two out of three this week, and clinched a playoff berth on Tuesday night. They celebrated by forcing Kate Hudson to reenact all her scenes from Almost Famous in the locker room after the game. The role of Russell Hammond went to Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada played Jeff Bebe, CC Sabathia was young William Miller and Joe Girardi portrayed the mother.

And the Nets were bought by Russian billionaire playboy Mikhail Prokhorov, which should ensure that the franchise will finally move to Brooklyn, probably in 2011 – unless the team has a bad season in which they’ll all be sent to Siberia.

Player of the Week

Mario Manningham: The Giants second-year receiver had 10 catches for 150 yards and added a TD reception to the mix. It’s only been two good games, but the Giants may have found a star receiver. His ability to elude tacklers after a catch is impressing everyone, except Flozell Adams, that is, who said: “Big deal, he wouldn’t be able to do that if I were on the field. I’d just trip and kick him every time he touched the ball.”

Runners Up

Darrelle Revis: The Jet corner shut down Randy Moss (but, like everybody else in the world, is incapable of shutting him up) and intercepted a pass. He led the Jets D in a dominating performance, as they made Tom Brady look like a regular normal struggling quarterback. The Jets swarming defense still hasn’t given up a TD this year.

Eli Manning: Mr. Cool did it again. He drove the Giants down field for the game-winning drive as calmly and efficiently as the Mets lose games. He also threw for 330 yards, with two TD’s and no picks.

Steve Smith: He also hauled in 10 passes (for 134 yards), which made it the first time in Giants history that two receivers had 10 catches or more in the same game. You mean Don Herrmann and Bob Grim never did that?

Mark Sanchez: He overcame a slow start to get his second NFL victory in two starts. He outplayed certain Hall-of-Famer Brady. Not bad for a rookie.

Kenny Phillips: The good news: The Giants safety had two INT’s and helped to make Tony Romo’s day miserable. The bad news: He’s out for the season. That’s a big blow for the Jints.

CC Sabathia/A.J. Burnett/Mark Teixeira: Sabathia threw seven innings without giving up an earned run in the Yankees win on Saturday, Burnett struck out 11 and let in two runs in the team’s win on Wednesday and Teixeira batted .435 for the week with two long balls and six RBI’s.

Luis Castillo/John Maine/Tim Redding: It’s slim pickin’s for the Mets these days as the only team they can beat is the Washington Nationals. Castillo hit .454, Maine pitched five scoreless innings on Sunday and Redding threw seven strong innings on Saturday, only allowing one earned run.

Schmuck of the Week

Joba Chamberlain: Are the Yankees ruining Joba or is he doing it all on his own? He’s 0-2 with a 7.88 ERA since the latest Joba Rules have been imposed. He gave up seven runs, six hits and three walks in three innings on Sunday against the Mariners. “I take a positive out of everything,” he said after the game, as he swiped a TV and a couple of ashtrays from the visitor’s locker room.

When we last saw the Jets, the comedy team of Eric Mangini and Brett Favre were sabotaging the season. Favre confessed that he had a torn biceps tendon, but he’s just covering up for his arm – it wasn’t torn, it was drunk. The team was even fined for the subterfuge. New and improved coach Rex Ryan gave a pregame speech to remember; it basically boiled down to this: Win on for Richard Todd. And win they did. The rookie coach even shed a tear after the game – it wasn’t because his team won, though, but instead the reason behind the crying was that he just found out that NBC cancelled My Name Is Earl to make room for Parks and Recreation. And when Ryan was about to present owner Woody Johnson with the game ball, Kanye West appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the ball and yelled out, “Weeb Ewbank is the greatest Jets coach in the world! In the world!”

Meanwhile, the Giants are in the midst of an era of consistency. They have the same coach, same QB, same O line, same D line, with only a few new faces on the team. They won their season opener, but the score shouldn’t have been that close. They do have a little problem with taking the foot off the pedal, and making games closer than they should be. But a win’s a win. The Giants have started a new tradition after victories, which combines the Gatorade dunk the team invented in the ’80s with the whipped cream pie in the face that this year’s Yankees have adopted. After every win some of the players will dump a giant bucket of pie fixin’s over Tom Coughlin’s head.

As for baseball, with their win on Saturday, the Mets were assured they would not lose 100 games for the season, but they’re still not a lock to be in the majors next year. And the Yankees brawled their way through the week, winning three, losing three and winning one on a TKO.

Player of the Week

Mark Sanchez: The rookie QB had an impressive debut (18 for 31, 272 yards, one TD), looking poised and veteran-like. Jet fans everywhere are ready to anoint him the new Joe Namath. He’s already picked up the nickname The Sanchise. And in honor of Braodway Joe, Sanchez is dating Ann-Margret.

Runners Up

Osi Umenyiora: The Giants’ All-Pro defensive end returned to the field after missing all of last season, and he did it in a big way, with a sack and fumble recovery for a touchdown.

Kris Jenkins/Bart Scott: These two led the dominating Jets D, stopping Houston from running the ball, passing the ball and doing anything else with the ball.

Eli Manning: Forced to throw the ball because the ground game was going nowhere, Manning stepped with a quietly efficient game, spreading the ball around to his inexprienced receivers. He finished the afternoon by going 20 for 29, with 256 yards passing, one TD and one INT.

Thomas Jones: The Jets running back had a productive day, rushing for 107 yards and scoring two TD’s.

Steve Smith/Mario Manningham: The two standouts in the Giants receiving corps in week one. Smith led the way with six catches for 80 yards, and Manningham made some nifty moves (with a little help from some bad tackling) on his way to his first career touchdown.

Derek Jeter: Oh yeah, the Captain passed Lou Gehrig for the all-time Yankees hit record on Friday night.

Hideki Matsui/Francisco Cervelli: They came up with the big hits for the Bombers this week. Matsui belted a  homer and drove in five runs in Sunday’s win and blasted a two-run dinger in the eighth to tie up Wednesday’s game. And Cervelli finished things off in that contest, with a walk-off single in the bottom of the ninth. That gives the team 14 walk-off wins this season, which is three shy of the franchise record, set in 1943.

David Wright: The Mets third baseman exploded on Saturday, with two homers and six RBI’s, to single-handedly beat the Phillies. Yes, it was the only Mets win of the week.

Jeff Francoeur: The Mets right fielder batted .407 this week, and is doing it all with torn ligaments in his thumb.

Schmucks of the Week

We have three candidates this week:

1. Johnny Damon: Damon cost the Yanks a run when he seemed to be auditioning for the Mets and forgot how many outs there were on Sunday.

2. Daniel Murphy: He made a big base-running blunder in Sunday night’s game and then his fielding miscues led to Wednesday’s loss.

3. Jorge Posada: The usually classy catcher started Wednesday’s brouhaha with what most thought was a cheap shot behind home plate. Joe Girardi wasn’t very happy about it, and even umpire Jim Joyce didn’t like it: “”It was very unsportsmanlike. It was a cheap shot.”

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The Jets, Bears and Texans showed the most interest in signing former Rutgers DE Jamaal Westerman after the NFL Draft. Westerman chose to sign with the Jets for about $12,000 less than an undisclosed team was offering. The three-year college starter is second all time in school history with 30.5 sacks. However, he suffered a torn bicep in his senior season which forced him to miss the team’s bowl game and part of the scouting circuit.  He did show his toughness by playing the second half of his senior season with the torn muscle. During his  junior season the Ontatrio native made 14 TFL and eight sacks. He has recovered well from the surgery and his bench press is up to 25 reps.

Westerman has been working out as a standup linebacker in the 3-4 scheme. Not only can he get after the quartback but he can drop back in pass coverage. Westerman, was recruited out of high school as a linebacker. He has impressed coaches with his passion and sharpness. In his first four practices at LB  he has looked natural and more instinctive than 2008 first-round pick Vernon Gholston.

DE Shaun Ellis is entering his 11th season and DE Kenyon Coleman was traded to the Browns. Former Raven DE Marques Coleman is primarly a run stopper. Westerman has a fierey motor and should also be working with the defensive line to provide another pass rusher. However, he  would have to bulk up his 6′3″ 257-pound frame if he were to play on the line. Head Coach Rex Ryan has to be impressed that he graduated in four years and was a nominee for Academic All Big East.