The Giants kept on rolling this week, the Jets lost to a good Saints team (but traded for troublemaker Braylon Edwards), hockey season has started, with mixed results for the three local teams, the Mets held a day-long press conference on Monday to announce the firing of two coaches, and the $200-million juggernaut that is the Yankees steamrolled over the Twins in the opening game of their playoff series. Here are some fun facts about the Yanks and Twins:

CC Sabathia eats more food in one year than the farmers of Minnesota produce combined.

Brett Favre was warming up in the Twins bullpen in the seventh inning of Wednesday’s game.

George Steinbrenner gave an inspired speech to the team down in Tampa after the Yankees’ final regular season game. It was short, yet fiery: “Where the hell is my damn calzone!”

After defeating the Tigers in their dramatic one-game showdown on Tuesday, the Twins immediately called Darryl Strawberry, Lenny Dykstra and Keith Hernandez to find out the most effective way to destroy a plane on a flight to New York.

Carlos Gomez almost missed third base, fell down and stopped running when heading for home with the winning run against Detroit because he briefly thought he was back on the Mets.

The real reason Kevin McHale was fired by the Timberwolves was that he spent the last month of his tenure trying to trade Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau to the Red Sox.

Kate Hudson first met Alex Rodriguez when she appraoched him about tips on steroid use, because her husband at the time, Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes, weighed only 39 pounds.

The Yankee players have a plan if they fall behind in the series – they realized that they make so much money they can just buy the Twins and force them to pitch Nick Punto and Michael Cuddyer in games four and five.

Trying to change his manager’s mind about not playing him in game two, Jorge Posada committed two passed balls on Wednesday to show that it’s not just A.J. Burnett he has trouble with – he can’t catch anybody.

Former Yankee and Twin Chuck Knoblauch will be honored before tonight’s game by being handcuffed and hauled away to jail.

Player of the Week

Steve Smith: After his 11 catch, 134 yard, two touchdown day on Sunday, he now leads the NFL in catches, yards and TD receptions. He’s stepped up big-time and turned what seemed like a weakness for the Giants into a strength.

Runners Up

Eli Manning: He had another impressive game on Sunday, although he had to leave with a foot injury. His consecutive game streak is now in doubt. I always thought that the only way he would miss a game would be if he had to film another commercial. Manning moved up to third on the all-time Giants list for TD passes (106), passing Sir Francis Tarkenton. He has a long way to go to catch Phil Simms (199) and Charlie Conerly (173).

Michael Boley: The linebacker recorded a sack and five tackles (four in the backfield for losses), but now he has to have surgery – “and like that . . . he’s gone.” The Giants D held Larry Johnson to 53 yards.

Bryan Kehl: He recovered a fumble on the opening kickoff and grabbed onside kick to start second half. And guess what? He’s out with an injury, too. The Giants better be careful or they’ll turn into the Mets.

Darrelle Revis: It was another shutdown game for the shutdown cornerback.

Alex Rodriguez: He closed out the regular season with two homers and seven RBI’s, all in one inning, which set the AL record for most ribbies in an inning. And he got two hits and drove in two runs – in the playoffs! Maybe he doesn’t know the postseason has started yet.

CC Sabathia/Derek Jeter/Hideki Matsui: They all did what they were supposed to do in game one.

John Tavares/Micheal Del Zotto: The teenagers made their NHL debuts and both scored their first career goals this week. The Islanders phenom had a goal and two assists in a pair of games, while the Rangers’ 19-year-old defenseman racked up four points in four games, with two goals and two assists, and was plus-one.

Marian Gaborik: So far, so good for the Rangers’ big-money acquisition. He piled up four goals and two assists in the team’s first four games, and scored the tying and winning goals in the third period last night to beat Washington.

Nelson Figueroa: The journeyman right-hander threw a complete game shutout on Sunday. The Mets are finally firing on all cylinders, with a three-game winning streak. You mean the season’s finally over? After the game, Met players threw their hats and other equipment into the crowd, but the fans threw it all back.

Schmuck of the Week

Mark Sanchez: He’s not really a schmuck, just a rookie. He threw three INTs and fumbled once, leading to two Saints TD’s. It had to happen sooner or later.

The Mets baffled everybody by holding a nine-hour press conference on Monday to announce . . . the firing of two coaches (and reassignment of a few others). Yes, that was it. Did they really need to hold a press conference for that? Omar Minaya, Jerry Manuel and Jeff Wilpon took turns showing that there’s no accountability in the world of the Mets. Here’s what I heard Wilpon saying on Monday (keep in mind, I’m just paraphrasing here):

“What happened this season was unacceptable. But we decided to keep Omar Minaya around because when he came onboard after the 2004 season, he took a Mets franchise that was seemingly irrelevant and in five short years turned them into an embarrassing laughingstock. Not everybody has the talent to do that. Instead of creating a plan and vision for future stability, we’re going to continue to put our finger in the dike and keep on plugging holes.

“Today we’re announcing the firings of Luis Alicea and Sandy Alomar Sr., because, quite frankly, the failure of 2009 was all their fault. Our pitching staff was 20^th in the league in ERA and walked 616 batters, which is just three shy of the franchise record, and every one of our pitchers regressed this season, so we’re rewarding pitching coach Dan Warthen by keeping him on the staff. I mean, we almost set a team record for walks; isn’t that good? Razor Shines will stay with the team. Mets base-runners were thrown out at home at an alarming rate this season, but firing him may hurt his feelings, so we’ll keep him around. And who has a cooler name than Razor? In fact, I want everybody to start referring to me as Razor Wilpon.

“Omar and Jerry Manuel must step up and be successful next season or else – or else we’ll give both of them contract extensions. We saw what a good job Rex Ryan has been doing with the Jets, and we tried to lure him away from them, but he wouldn’t budge. So we had no choice but to stick with Manuel. Who else are we going to get? And besides, we like the fact that he’s always laughing, even when there isn’t anything remotely funny going on around him. And since we hold nobody accountable – and that includes Fred and myself (well, except for Alicea and Alomar) – we’ve kept on our medical staff as well. So next season, Mets fans can expect more of the same bumbling failure as the last few years. Why should the results be any different if the same people are going to keep running the show? Again, 2009 was unacceptable, so our philosophy will be to ignore it and do nothing about it while keeping our fingers crossed for next season.”

Sunday  afternoon was a New York sports fan’s dream (or nightmare) as the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all played at the same time – and they all won (even the Rangers played at noon on Sunday and lost, but we won’t count that because it was preseason). I’m jumping on the bandwagon and doing one of those running diary things that are so popular with the kids these days of that afternoon. Here we go:

12:30: Watch the last half of the first period of the Rangers game and eat a turkey, ham and cheese sandwich.

12:36: Yell at my daughter to quit jumping on the couch.

12:50: Bring plate into kitchen.

12:51: Sit back down in front of TV, and watch Terry Bradshaw, Michael Strahan, Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long laugh.

1:02: Giants game starts. They drive down field with ease and score their first red zone touchdown of the year. It was done so easily, I don’t think there was even another team on the field.

1:21: Switch to Channel 2 to check on the Jets, but the Houston Oilers are playing a team I don’t recognize. I think it’s the Canton Bulldogs or Chicago Cardinals. I want to stick around to see how Dan Pastorini and Billy “White Shoes” Johnson fare, but I want to find the Jets game.

1:23: Flip to ESPN, but the Yankees are in a rain delay. The team is in the clubhouse gathered round John Sterling, who’s reading Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment to them to pass the time.

1:24: Change to Channel 11 to see if the Mets are still allowed to play. New face of the franchise Pat Misch is standing on the mound, so yes, the Mets still exist.

1:25: Keep flipping, looking for the Jets.

1:30: Land on TV Land and get sucked into the Brady Bunch marathon.

1:50: No sign of “pork chops and applesauce,” “oh my nose” or “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” yet.

2:01: Yes! It’s the “Time to Change” episode.

2:11: Peter’s voice cracks.

2:18: The other five kids vote on whether to keep Peter in the band. It’s a tie because Cindy voted twice.

2:20: Greg gets an idea on how to fix their conundrum.

2:21: Greg locks Peter and Bobby out of their room as he writes a new song.

2:24: The Brady Six sing “Time to Change.”

2:33: The Bradys are going to Hawaii!

2:40: Bobby finds a tiki idol.

2:48: Alice throws her back out doing the hula.

2:55: Greg wipes out in a surfing contest. Everyone is worried.

3:03: Greg’s ok.

3:11: A tarantula crawls on Peter.

3:20: I take out the garbage.

3:43: Greg, Peter and Bobby are kidnapped by Vincent Price.

3:50: Mr. Brady saves them, but instead of calling the cops because a creepy old man, who is most likely gay, kidnapped his three sons and might have done unspeakable things to them, he helps the freaky guy and invites him to a luau.

3:55: The Bradys end their Hawaiian vacation with a luau.

4:05: Flip back to Channel 5 in time to see Brett Favre throw a game-winning TD pass. Jets win! Why are they wearing Vikings uniforms, though?

Player of the Week

David Harris: The Jets linebacker was all over the field, and recorded five tackles, a sack and an INT. He obviously wasn’t wearing Bobby Brady’s tiki idol around his neck.

Runners Up

Ahmad Bradshaw: As Derrick Ward gained two yards, his replacement dodged tackles and darted in and out of holes all day to gain 104 yards on only 14 carries. But now, like most Giants, he’s injured, though he’s probable for Sunday’s game.

Giants Offensive Line: They led the way as the Giants productive running game returned, and they allowed zero sacks for the second game in a row.

Jerricho Cotchery: The standout on offense for the Jets, he had eight catches for 108 yards and hauled in a touchdown pass.

Giants D: It’s cheating to put the whole defense here, but there really wasn’t an individual standout on Sunday. It’s hard to ignore the fact, though, that they only let up 86 total yards and five first downs in the game. Sure, Tampa Bay stinks, but they are in the NFL.

Bart Scott: The loud linebacker led the Jets with nine tackles.

Mark Sanchez: Sure, he made some mistakes (and may have taken some liberties with the ladies), but he rushed for a TD, diving headfirst into the end zone, which impressed his teammates. He’s the first rookie QB in NFL history to start the season 3-0.

CC Sabathia/A.J. Burnett: The big two are tuning up for the playoffs. Sabathia threw seven shutout innings in Saturday’s win over the Sox, and Burnett has a 1.89 ERA over his last three starts.

Robinson Cano/Derek Jeter: The second baseman hit .375 this week, with two long balls and six ribbies, while the Captain batted a lofty .563.

Pat Misch: He was almost scratched from his start on Sunday due to a severe bout of ineffectiveness, but Jerry Manuel realized the only person the Mets had left who could make a start was the ball boy. Misch went out and threw a complete game shutout vs. Florida.

Schmucks of the Week

The Mets: They’re finishing their schmuck-like season in a very schmuck-like way. David Wright forgot there were two outs and then lollygagged around the bases on Saturday night, costing the Mets a run, and has been ole-ing the ball down at third all week, Frankie Rodriguez gave up five runs in the ninth to the Nats, who were 0-87 when losing after the eighth inning this year, Jose Reyes tore his hamstring, the defense made about 100 errors this week, and on and on and on.

There are only five games left for the Mets – thank God. Once the 162^nd game is played, we can then turn our attention to brighter and happier pastimes, such as starting petitions to get Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel fired, drinking so much tequila that we forget this season (or decade) ever happened and forming an angry mob while chasing the Mets out of town after Sunday’s game with pitchforks and torches.

Over the weekend, when the Mets took on the Marlins, there was a lot of talk about the team playing the role of spoiler by the SNY announcers and pre- and postgame crew. None of the talk came from the team itself. The SNY guys all felt the Mets should be chomping at the bit to knock Florida out of the wild card race after what the Fish did to the Metsies at the end of the last two seasons. They were practically begging the team to show some type of spark and want payback for the previous seasons’ endings. But the players themselves didn’t really care about that, and a few ideas were thrown out there on the reasons why. The Mets actually did win the series and pretty much ended Florida’s hopes of catching up to the Rockies (or Braves) in the race. They were pretty blasé about the whole thing, though. Here are my theories:

The season has been such a disaster and total nightmare that the players are so beaten down at this point that they just want the season to end. We all want the season to end, too, but this was their opportunity to play with some passion for a change and stick it to a team that hates them. And they actually accomplished that, but they still didn’t care.

The Mets of the last four years or so think they’re better than they are. They act like they’re an upper echelon team that has accomplished something, when in fact they’ve authored three straight catastrophes in a row along with a disappointing end to 2006. They think the role of spoiler is beneath them. That’s for bad teams. Well, the Mets are a bad team, regardless of all the injuries. They’ve won one division title in this era and celebrated on the field like they won the World Series. With the exception of the easy playoff win vs. the Dodgers, it’s been one horror show after another for this team since they ran around the field at Shea smoking cigars and thinking they were the greatest thing since sliced cheese (ok, now I want a sandwich). The celebration was way over the top considering they had a lot more work to do.

Another reason there wasn’t a peep about spoiling the Marlins season is that this team has no passion. When they suffer through a losing streak they feel like they’ll win “some other time” so there’s no reason to worry or take losing personally. They’re milquetoast instead of hard-ass. They not only go through the motions playing out the string, but they often go through the motions at the beginning of the season and in the middle. They certainly would deny that, but that’s how they come across.

Of course, the Mets are so sloppy and mentally deficient that they don’t possess the ability to just “turn it on” at will and beat teams. But playing hard should never be an option, but a minimum requirement. It looks like Omar and Jerry will be back next year, and most of the same players probably will be, too, but the Mets need to look in the mirror and stop thinking of themselves as being better than they are. They haven’t earned the self image that they carry.

The Giants and Jets both beat division archrivals this past week. And both are 2-0 and sitting atop their respective divisions. The Giants went down to Texas and paid the Cowboys back for beating them in the first-ever game at the Meadowlands in 1976 (Dallas won, 24-14). Of course, Giants Stadium didn’t receive quite the same amount of hoopla as Cowboys Stadium has gotten this week. Here are some reviews from 33 years ago when the Giants home first opened:

“It just looks like a regular football stadium. Where is the 60-yard JumboTron? Where are the go-go dancers? What do they plan to do here, just play football?”

“Where do you put 78,000 angry New Jersey residents to watch Doug Kotar gain 500 yards a season? The new Giants Stadium, that’s where.”

“The new stadium is a modern marvel, but can they do something about that swampy smell?”

“It just goes to show you the power of the Mob that they got this stadium built all the way out in the middle of nowhere in Jersey just to cover up Jimmy Hoffa’s body.”

“It’s only been open for a week, but I think it’s sinking.”

“The House That Craig Morton Built.”

As for the Jets, they backed up all their trash talk about the Patriots and gave them a whuppin’. Rex Ryan famously said he didn’t come to New York to kiss Bill Belichick’s rings and on Sunday he proved it. Here are some other things Ryan didn’t come here to kiss: Suzy Kolber, Leon Washington, Ashley Dupre, Fredo Corleone, Donald Trump’s hair, KISS and Belichick’s ratty old sweatshirt (why doesn’t he wear that thing anymore? Maybe that’s why the Pats aren’t invincible these days – it was all in the hoody).

The beauty of living and/or working in New York is that you never know what celebrity or personality you’re going to see on the street. When I left my office on my lunch break on Monday, who did I spot standing out on the sidewalk? The one and only Mr. Met (and no, he wasn’t panhandling). I can be angry at the Mets for being fundamentally challenged, for their lack of effort, for mismanagement of the team, for their boneheaded decison-making, for re-signing Oliver Perez, for counting on Carlos Delgado and for now going through the motions as they finish out the season, but I can never, ever be mad at Mr. Met.

The Yankees beat their nemesis, the Angels, two out of three this week, and clinched a playoff berth on Tuesday night. They celebrated by forcing Kate Hudson to reenact all her scenes from Almost Famous in the locker room after the game. The role of Russell Hammond went to Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada played Jeff Bebe, CC Sabathia was young William Miller and Joe Girardi portrayed the mother.

And the Nets were bought by Russian billionaire playboy Mikhail Prokhorov, which should ensure that the franchise will finally move to Brooklyn, probably in 2011 – unless the team has a bad season in which they’ll all be sent to Siberia.

Player of the Week

Mario Manningham: The Giants second-year receiver had 10 catches for 150 yards and added a TD reception to the mix. It’s only been two good games, but the Giants may have found a star receiver. His ability to elude tacklers after a catch is impressing everyone, except Flozell Adams, that is, who said: “Big deal, he wouldn’t be able to do that if I were on the field. I’d just trip and kick him every time he touched the ball.”

Runners Up

Darrelle Revis: The Jet corner shut down Randy Moss (but, like everybody else in the world, is incapable of shutting him up) and intercepted a pass. He led the Jets D in a dominating performance, as they made Tom Brady look like a regular normal struggling quarterback. The Jets swarming defense still hasn’t given up a TD this year.

Eli Manning: Mr. Cool did it again. He drove the Giants down field for the game-winning drive as calmly and efficiently as the Mets lose games. He also threw for 330 yards, with two TD’s and no picks.

Steve Smith: He also hauled in 10 passes (for 134 yards), which made it the first time in Giants history that two receivers had 10 catches or more in the same game. You mean Don Herrmann and Bob Grim never did that?

Mark Sanchez: He overcame a slow start to get his second NFL victory in two starts. He outplayed certain Hall-of-Famer Brady. Not bad for a rookie.

Kenny Phillips: The good news: The Giants safety had two INT’s and helped to make Tony Romo’s day miserable. The bad news: He’s out for the season. That’s a big blow for the Jints.

CC Sabathia/A.J. Burnett/Mark Teixeira: Sabathia threw seven innings without giving up an earned run in the Yankees win on Saturday, Burnett struck out 11 and let in two runs in the team’s win on Wednesday and Teixeira batted .435 for the week with two long balls and six RBI’s.

Luis Castillo/John Maine/Tim Redding: It’s slim pickin’s for the Mets these days as the only team they can beat is the Washington Nationals. Castillo hit .454, Maine pitched five scoreless innings on Sunday and Redding threw seven strong innings on Saturday, only allowing one earned run.

Schmuck of the Week

Joba Chamberlain: Are the Yankees ruining Joba or is he doing it all on his own? He’s 0-2 with a 7.88 ERA since the latest Joba Rules have been imposed. He gave up seven runs, six hits and three walks in three innings on Sunday against the Mariners. “I take a positive out of everything,” he said after the game, as he swiped a TV and a couple of ashtrays from the visitor’s locker room.

With ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball winding down for another season, their announcing team of Joe Morgan, Jon Miller and Steve Phillips took some time to analyze the New York baseball scene for Hot Stove New York.

Joe Morgan: The Yankees are looking pretty good, having the best record in baseball, and they just clinched a spot in the postseason with last night’s win. But you really can’t compare them to the teams of old. I mean, do they have Johnny Bench on their team? [laughs] Derek Jeter does a decent job but give me Dave Concepcion any day of the week. You can throw any stat at me you want about the Yankees – you know I don’t believe in stats [laughs]. When I played we didn’t have stats. We didn’t know what batting averages were let alone WARP and whatever else these kids are talking about nowadays [laughs]. In fact, we didn’t even keep score, but the Reds still won every game we played and were the World Series champs for 10 straight years.

Steve Phillips: Joe, I think you guys only won the World Series twice.

Jon Miller: Carlos Bel-TRON!

Joe Morgan: Like I said, we didn’t have all these newfangled stats like runs and wins, so who’s to say we didn’t win 10 World Series? Let’s take a look at Joe Girardi. He’s really turned the Yankees around after missing the playoffs last season, but does he compare to Sparky Anderson? Of course not. You can’t put those guys in the same class. I mean Sparky guest-starred on WKRP in Cincinnati and The White Shadow, and in the same season, no less - can Girardi do something like that? [laughs]

Jon Miller: Carlos Bel-TRON!

Steve Phillips: Speaking of the Yankees, the Mets are really a dysfunctional mess. It wasn’t like that when I was running the team. We won those five World Series in a row, and it was all because of me.

Joe Morgan: Actually, the Mets didn’t win any World Series when you were the GM. How come you never got another GM job, Steve?

Jon Miller: Saaaaaaaaffffe!

Steve Phillips: Well, we don’t need to go into that, Joe. There were no scandals or mismanagement when I was with the Mets. We were a well-run machine. Those little secretary peccadillos I was rumored to have? That was a setup by Bobby Valentine. He donned his disguise with the fake mustache and framed me. It was his fault. Everything bad that went on in those years was his fault. His fault, his fault, his fault!! Anyway, if I were still running the Mets, I would have all their hitters get more hits and hit more home runs. When I was playing, my appraoch at the plate. . .

Jon Miller: Carlos Bel-TRON!

Joe Morgan: Did you ever play in the majors, Steve? I did. I was one of the greatest players ever. [laughs]

Steve Phillips: No, I’m talking about when I played in Pony League. I always went to the plate trying to get a hit. That was my approach. What the Mets need to do now is trade Beltran, David Wright and Jose Reyes for Mo Vaughn. And they should see if they can coax Roger Cedeno out of retirement. That’s how I would fix this mess.

Jon Miller: Carlos Bel-TRON!

Joe Morgan: See, the Reds never got themselves into a mess like that because we didn’t make any mistakes. Players back in my day always hustled, made the right decisions and never did anything wrong. That’s why every team in the ’60s and ’70s never lost a game. [laughs] The whole league went undefeated. And we did it all without stats. In fact, everything was better 35 years ago – sports, movies, TV, Pete Rose, the weather. The only thing that can save the Mets now is if they sign Cesar Geronimo and Pedro Borbon.

Steve Phillips: Well said, Joe.

Joe Morgan: And, of course, those last four Yankee World Championships come with an asterisk because Johnny Bench wasn’t on their team. How can you win a World Series without Johnny Bench? It’s just not possible. [laughs]

Jon Miller: Carlos Bel-TRON!

When we last saw the Jets, the comedy team of Eric Mangini and Brett Favre were sabotaging the season. Favre confessed that he had a torn biceps tendon, but he’s just covering up for his arm – it wasn’t torn, it was drunk. The team was even fined for the subterfuge. New and improved coach Rex Ryan gave a pregame speech to remember; it basically boiled down to this: Win on for Richard Todd. And win they did. The rookie coach even shed a tear after the game – it wasn’t because his team won, though, but instead the reason behind the crying was that he just found out that NBC cancelled My Name Is Earl to make room for Parks and Recreation. And when Ryan was about to present owner Woody Johnson with the game ball, Kanye West appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the ball and yelled out, “Weeb Ewbank is the greatest Jets coach in the world! In the world!”

Meanwhile, the Giants are in the midst of an era of consistency. They have the same coach, same QB, same O line, same D line, with only a few new faces on the team. They won their season opener, but the score shouldn’t have been that close. They do have a little problem with taking the foot off the pedal, and making games closer than they should be. But a win’s a win. The Giants have started a new tradition after victories, which combines the Gatorade dunk the team invented in the ’80s with the whipped cream pie in the face that this year’s Yankees have adopted. After every win some of the players will dump a giant bucket of pie fixin’s over Tom Coughlin’s head.

As for baseball, with their win on Saturday, the Mets were assured they would not lose 100 games for the season, but they’re still not a lock to be in the majors next year. And the Yankees brawled their way through the week, winning three, losing three and winning one on a TKO.

Player of the Week

Mark Sanchez: The rookie QB had an impressive debut (18 for 31, 272 yards, one TD), looking poised and veteran-like. Jet fans everywhere are ready to anoint him the new Joe Namath. He’s already picked up the nickname The Sanchise. And in honor of Braodway Joe, Sanchez is dating Ann-Margret.

Runners Up

Osi Umenyiora: The Giants’ All-Pro defensive end returned to the field after missing all of last season, and he did it in a big way, with a sack and fumble recovery for a touchdown.

Kris Jenkins/Bart Scott: These two led the dominating Jets D, stopping Houston from running the ball, passing the ball and doing anything else with the ball.

Eli Manning: Forced to throw the ball because the ground game was going nowhere, Manning stepped with a quietly efficient game, spreading the ball around to his inexprienced receivers. He finished the afternoon by going 20 for 29, with 256 yards passing, one TD and one INT.

Thomas Jones: The Jets running back had a productive day, rushing for 107 yards and scoring two TD’s.

Steve Smith/Mario Manningham: The two standouts in the Giants receiving corps in week one. Smith led the way with six catches for 80 yards, and Manningham made some nifty moves (with a little help from some bad tackling) on his way to his first career touchdown.

Derek Jeter: Oh yeah, the Captain passed Lou Gehrig for the all-time Yankees hit record on Friday night.

Hideki Matsui/Francisco Cervelli: They came up with the big hits for the Bombers this week. Matsui belted a  homer and drove in five runs in Sunday’s win and blasted a two-run dinger in the eighth to tie up Wednesday’s game. And Cervelli finished things off in that contest, with a walk-off single in the bottom of the ninth. That gives the team 14 walk-off wins this season, which is three shy of the franchise record, set in 1943.

David Wright: The Mets third baseman exploded on Saturday, with two homers and six RBI’s, to single-handedly beat the Phillies. Yes, it was the only Mets win of the week.

Jeff Francoeur: The Mets right fielder batted .407 this week, and is doing it all with torn ligaments in his thumb.

Schmucks of the Week

We have three candidates this week:

1. Johnny Damon: Damon cost the Yanks a run when he seemed to be auditioning for the Mets and forgot how many outs there were on Sunday.

2. Daniel Murphy: He made a big base-running blunder in Sunday night’s game and then his fielding miscues led to Wednesday’s loss.

3. Jorge Posada: The usually classy catcher started Wednesday’s brouhaha with what most thought was a cheap shot behind home plate. Joe Girardi wasn’t very happy about it, and even umpire Jim Joyce didn’t like it: “”It was very unsportsmanlike. It was a cheap shot.”

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I turn on the TV, and I’d rather watch anything else but the Mets – So You Think You’re Crazier Than Gary Busey, Two and a Half Accountants, even Yentl. But something’s commanding me to watch. I have no control over it. I think the ghost of Gil Hodges is controlling me. Or maybe it’s M. Donald Grant. I want to turn the game off, but I can’t. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me. And sometimes I get the feeling that the Mets are watching me (see picture at right).

But since the TV’s on and the channel stuck on SNY, I may as well pick out things that are worthing watching. Josh Thole comes up to the plate, and I think, “He doesn’t have the stench of failure all over him yet. He’s worth watching.” And he’s fun to watch. He comes straight out of 1973 – choking up on the bat, crouching, no power. He looks like he has an idea of what to do at the plate, but he could be nothing more than a singles hitter. The Mets need power. If they had home run hitters all over the lineup, he could be a nice addition, but we’ve seen prospects come and go, year after year, who failed after a strong start to a career. But I like watching him anyway.

Angel Pagan’s in the game? You know he’s going to make some type of boneheaded base-running mistake. I’ll sit tight and see if he runs the bases in the wrong order this time. This could be fun. Though he’s certainly not alone when it comes to not having a clue when circling the bases. The Mets seem to turn the basic fundamentals of the game into a wacky adventure.

When Daniel Murphy comes up, you have to wonder if the Mets should take a chance and let him develop and see if he’s the answer at first base. If you lock 10 Met fans in a room and yell, “Daniel Murphy: Mets first baseman of the future – debate!” A full-scale brawl will most likely break out. “He can bat .300 with 40 doubles every year! And his slugging percentage is over .500 the last month!” “He’s nothing but a backup without any power or a position! And I hate the name Daniel!”

Bobby Parnell and Mike Pelfrey may be needed in next year’s rotation. I’ll sit and watch them pitch. Unfortunately, almost all their outings are ugly. And get uglier every week. The team now has one sure thing in the rotation for 2010. I’ll watch Pat Misch, Nelson Figueroa and Tim Redding. Maybe they can put something together. Well, probably not.

Carlos Beltran and John Maine are back. They’re worth watching. If only  to see if they can make it through the rest of the season.

Something is compelling me to watch, so I’ll take anything at this point. Saturday’s come-from-behind win over the Phillies was fun to watch (and could have been the team’s last victory of the season). Anderson Hernandez blasted the franchise’s 6,000 home run on Sunday. In typical Met fashion, nobody knew about it. I’ll just block out the team’s won-loss record and enjoy a good old-fashioned baseball game. And maybe one night, I’ll find out if Gary Sheffield is still alive.

Derek Jeter started feeling the pressure to overtake Lou Gehrig as the Yankees’ all-time hits leader, but he came through as always (well, was he really never going to get a hit again?). Tonight he’ll attempt to pass the Hall-of-Fame first baseman and stand alone at the top of the heap. Here’s a list of other lesser-known Yankee records that will most likely never be broken:

Highest number of floozies and alcoholic beverages consumed in one night: 29, Babe Ruth (it’s unclear how many were drinks and how many were floozies).

Most times teammates swapped wives: once, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich

Most hits by a Yankee backup catcher in 1966: 47, Jake Gibbs (this is one record that will never be broken)

Most times a player sat in a cake while pantless: 11, Sparky Lyle

Most times a Yankee manager was referred to as “Stump”: 1,342, oddly enough it wasn’t Stump Merrill but Ralph Houk

Most times a player had to clean George Steinbrenner’s pool to stay on his good side: seven, Steve Howe

In other news, the Yankees tuned up for the playoffs by winning five out of seven games, including a doubleheader sweep over the Rays, while the Mets are getting a head start on next year’s spring training. They’re trying to play the spoiler but every team they play is pretty much out of contention (or already has the division locked up) so there’s nothing really to spoil, and they can’t win more than one or two games a week anyway. On Tuesday, during the Mets broadcast, SNY experimented with the “Silent Sixth,” having nothing but the ambient sounds of the game for a full inning sans announcers. The Yankees should try that with their radio broadcasts; it would be a big improvement over John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. And the Jets and Giants made their final cuts and are getting ready for week one of the season. Big Blue bid farewell to David Tyree, but he didn’t leave empty-handed, as the Giants presented him with a “Super Bowl Hero” coffee mug as security escorted him off the premises.

Player of the Week

Derek Jeter: Who else could it be? He went into an 0-12 funk with the spotlight shining on his every at-bat, but he finally tied the Iron Horse’s record (Mike Blowers is holding steady at 44, but is out there somewhere thinking about a comeback). With one more hit, Jeter will get to stand side by side with New York’s other franchise hit leader, Ed Kranepool. The Yankee shortstop has a long way to go to match the legendary status of that Met great, though.

Runners Up

Nick Swisher: The lovable goofball hit a walk-off wall scraper (it was measured at 190 feet) on Tuesday, which was his second homer of the game. For the week, he belted three long balls, drove in six and scored eight runs.

Mike Pelfrey: He pitched eight innings and only allowed one run on Sunday. That’s right, he pitched eight innings and they were all in the same game.

A.J. Burnett: The Yankee pitcher got back on track on Monday with a win against Tampa Bay. “I didn’t throw anything that I didn’t want to throw. Every pitch I had conviction behind it 100 percent,” he said after the game. In an unrelated note, Jorge Posada was “accidentally” locked in the trainer’s room for the duration of the game.

CC Sabathia: The ginormous lefty struck out 10 batters during his seven-inning, one-run stint on Monday.

Carlos Beltran: The Mets center fielder returned to the lineup after a two-and-a-half-month absence. He could have packed it in for the year, but he’s a ballplayer, he said. That’s what he does. Now he doesn’t have to go into next season wondering how he’ll feel. He’s an example and inspiration to everyone who makes over $100 million in a seven-year period.

Schmuck of the Week

Angel Pagan: He forgets how many outs there are when he’s running the bases, he gets thrown out at third on a groundball hit to the shortstop, he loses track of the ball on a hit-and-run and gets forced out at second instead of ending up on third. There’s only one logical explanation for his baserunning misadventures: He’s drunk.

The Yankees have instituted a new set of Joba Rules. Joba Chamberlain will now pitch every fifth day but his innings will be limited. That may help his arm, but it won’t help him learn how to pitch (or help the bullpen). They scrapped their previous plans of having him pitch every day but only throwing one pitch, having him pitch once a year, and having him pitch every fifth day with no pitch count but he’d be loaned out to another team. There are some other, little-known sets of rules around town that we just learned about.

The Ollie Rules: Right before Oliver Perez went on the DL, the Mets were about to install some new guidelines for the erratic lefty. The team was going to make him pitch every single day (even if no game was scheduled) in the hopes he would suffer a career-ending injury, which would free them from his contract.

The A-Rod Rules: The Yankees had no choice but to limit Alex Rodriguez’s time in front of a mirror, as he was late getting back onto the field every inning. He can now only gaze lovingly at himself before and after games.

The Pelfrey Rules: The Mets are limiting Mike Pelfrey’s balks to three a month in order to keep his embarrassment count down.

The Wilpon Rules: The Wilpons will only be allowed to lose $700 million once in a lifetime. If they can’t be trusted with that kind of money, then no more allowance for them.

And here at Hot Stove New York, they once even put into place The Jeff Freier Rules, where I could only post on the website twice a week. They were ostensibly worried about my coming down with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, but I recently found out the real reason – they think I’m an idiot.

Players of the Week

Andy Pettitte & Pat Misch: We had a tie this week. Each lefty pitcher received 27 votes (why I voted 54 times is unclear), so they settled it the old-fashioned way – by seeing who could eat the most liverwurst sandwiches. That also resulted in a deadlock, so we have two winners this week. The Yankee veteran was perfect with two outs in the seventh inning on Monday night, when Jerry Hairston Jr. made an error (the utility player was then forced to commit hari-kari for dishonoring the team). And you know what usually happens next. We don’t even have to say it. Pettitte did pitch eight innings and notched his fourth straight win. He hasn’t lost since July 25th, and Monday’s victory was his 190th as a Yankee, which moved him into third place on the all-time Bombers list. Whitey Ford is first (236), Red Ruffing second (231), while Mike Kekich is still stuck on 31.

Misch pitched two outstanding games this week. Last Friday in Wrigley he went seven innings and only allowed one run (but lost the chance for a win after Brian Stokes took one step onto the field, after which the reliever would have committed hari-kari, but the Mets have already been dishonored so many times this season that he didn’t bother). Yesterday, the 28-year-old lefty impressed again with seven strong innings and picked up his first career win. He had the dubious distinction of having his team be on the losing end of his first 12 career starts, which ties him for the major league record. Those last two starts officially make him the Mets ace.

Runners Up

CC Sabathia: The Cy Young candidate threw seven innings, striking out nine and only giving up a run on Wednesday. He now leads the AL in wins with 16, to go along with his 3.48 ERA.

The Fill-in Guys: Sergio Mitre, Nelson Figueroa and Tim Redding looked like . . . well, they were so good this past week that they didn’t look like Sergio Mitre, Nelson Figueroa and Tim Redding.

The Yankees Offense: The new Murderer’s Row is unstoppable. We’ll just list them here lumped together every week. Robinson Cano’s hitting walk-off home runs, Nick Swisher’s on fire, Jorge Posada’s driving in four runs in one game, and on and on and on.

Josh Thole: The 22-year-old catcher (who was born the day NYC threw the ‘86 Mets their ticker-tape parade) made his major league debut and it was a memorable one. He singled, doubled and even stole a base.

Mark Sanchez/Hakeem Nicks: The Jets’ first-round draft pick got better with every game and looks ready for the season. The Giants’ first-rounder caught three TD passes this week (but for now we’ll gloss over the fact that they all came against third-string scrubs).

David Wright: He’s back in the lineup after getting conked in the coconut, and he’s better than ever. He went 4 for 8 and drove in three runs in his few games back.

Schmuck of the Week

David Wright’s Giant Batting Helmet: It lasted all of one game, thank god. Like the Mets need to give people more material to make fun of them.