The Knicks won a game this week! And The Answer may be coming to New York (so the question must be: Will a desperate team do anything to keep their fans interested?). But with last Friday’s loss, the Knicks established the worst 10-game start in franchise history. Things could be a lot worse, though; here are some other bad starts throughout history that may help them feel better about themselves: The Hindenburg blew up over New Jersey on the first of its 10 scheduled round-trips between Europe and the United States, killing 36 people; the Titanic hit an iceberg and sunk four days into its maiden voyage; William Henry Harrison died of a cold one month into his presidency in 1841; Wally Backman lasted four days as manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks before he was unceremoniously shown the door; Gilligan’s three-hour tour got off to an inauspicious start, getting stranded on a deserted island for 15 years, until the castaways were miraculously rescued, followed by them buying the island but almost losing it in an evil scam until they were helped out of the jam by the Harlem Globetrotters; Richie Cunningham’s brother Chuck on Happy Days appeared in only two episodes in the first season and was never heard from again; the Seattle Pilots existed for one measly year before moving to Milwaukee; and my career selling rodeo tickets over the phone lasted two days before I woke up and came to my senses. The lesson in all this for the Knicks is that they could explode in a fireball over New Jersey at any moment, sink to the bottom of the ocean taking Leonardo DiCaprio with them or be written out of the NBA altogether like Chuck Cunningham was. The best case scenario for the team: The Harlem Globetrotters come to the Garden and save their ass.

That takes care of the Knicks; now let’s look at the other local teams and we’ll put fun, convenient labels on them to boot:

An Efficient Machine

Devils: Their nine-game road winning streak (one short of tying the NHL record) and eight-game overall winning streak both ended on Monday night in Philly on Dave Schultz Night, as he was inducted into the Flyers Hall of Fame. Is there any significance or special meaning to that? Schultz was the personification of the brawling 1970s, and holds the all-time single-season record for penalty minutes, with 472 in 1974-’75. Isn’t it about time that somebody started a Hockey Goon Hall of Fame? (Trivia: Schultz’s brother appeared in Slap Shot as an opposing player.) Jacques Lemaire and the Devils are the epitome of defensive hockey. They rank 21^st in goals per game, at 2.56, but their league-leading 2.07 goals against average has them in first place in the Atlantic Division (despite two losses in a row). Lemaire spent much of his playing days learning how to play defense by centering a line with Guy Lafleur and Steve Shutt, as he had to backcheck his way through many a game, while those two sharp shooters poured in goal after goal.

Surprise Team

Islanders: After getting off to a rocky start, the Islanders are one of the surprise teams of the NHL. That’s what hard work will do for you. John Tavares is living up to his billing (19 points), while Matt Moulson is turning into the find of the century (18 points). They’re going in the opposite direction than the Rangers, who they’ve caught in the standings, both totaling 23 points.

Sinking (But it’s a Long Season)

Rangers: The good times (7-1 start) are over (4-8-1 since). They can’t score, they’re not tough enough, they’re too easy to play against, they take too many penalties, they have too many defensive breakdowns and they’re shorthanded at center with no replacements in sight. Can they recover or is the makeup of the roster too much to overcome? Maybe John Tortorella should start crying. That seems to be the coaching technique du jour.

Sinking (But There’s Still Hope)

Giants: They had their best week in over a month, with Dallas, Philly and even Atlanta (if you’re starting to keep track of the wild card race) all losing. The Giants haven’t looked this good since they defeated Oakland. The key to their success, of course, was not actually playing a game. Their best strategy from here on out may be to not take the field at all. Can you decline the rest of your schedule the way you can decline a penalty and take your chances on your present record?

Sinking (And They’re Running Out of Time)

Jets: The Jets players are making their coach cry. But poor clock management, wasted timeouts, a plethora of turnovers and a defense that can’t make the big stop are making Jet fans cry. The team has the swagger part down; it’s just the beating the opponent part that’s troubling them. Mark Sanchez has a prepared statement all set to go for his next postgame press conference on why he entered a hot dog eating contest at halftime of their game up in New England on Sunday.

Disaster

Nets: The Nets are doing even worse than the Knicks, and are planning to jump back to the ABA before they have a chance to go 0-82. They’re hoping to put a schedule together and play against the Spirits of St, Louis, San Diego Conquistadors, Virginia Squires, Memphis Tams and Kentucky Colonels once again and regain their dominance in that defunct league. They play the Knicks on Saturday (if they can scrounge up enough players). Will the world explode if one of those teams actually wins the game?

The usual state of affairs when the Rangers sign a free agent goes something like this: Free agent is past his prime with his best days well behind him, he signs an outrageously sized contract and then plays like crap while laughing all the way to the bank (see Redden, Wade or Fleury, Theo). But the Blueshirts have hit the jackpot this year, with Marian Gaborik, Vinny Prospal and Ales Kotalik (well, three out of four ain’t bad – Donald Brashear and the word “jackpot” don’t go together – except to his agent). Unfortunately, it’s the rest of the roster that’s dragging the team down.

Gaborik, Prospal and Kotalik have scored a combined 26 goals. The Rangers have a total of 62, which means those three free-agent pickups have contributed 42% of the team’s scoring. Prospal’s the bargain of the century, with his one-million-dollar contract (I’m so old I remember when a million dollars was a lot of money). Kotalik gives the Rangers the point man on the power play they’ve been missing the last few years. And Gaborik is having his best season, which says a lot. We surely haven’t been able to say that very often: A New York Ranger free-agent acquisition is having his best season ever.

So where the heck has everybody else gone? Let’s run through the rogues’ gallery of underperformers. Christopher Higgins: 2 goals; Chris Drury: 2 goals; Sean Avery: 2 goals; Ryan Callahan: 3 goals; Brandon Dubinsky: 3 goals; Enver Lisin: 3 goals. That’s 15 goals by six of your top nine forwards, and a pace of 8 or 12 goals for the season for all of them. Artem Anisimov has probably played better than all those guys. Callahan hits everybody in sight, but he’s got to start scoring more than he is. And the rest of those guys aren’t doing much of anything to go along with not scoring.

The power play, which helped carry the team during their 7-1 start, is now in a slump. Nobody besides Gaborik, Prospal, Kotalik and Michael Del Zotto are producing any offense. And combine those scoring woes with a mistake-filled defense, and the result is a not-too-surprising 4-8-1 record in their last 13 games.

The Rangers’ big off-season purchases are carrying the team. But they’re only carrying them to mediocrity because nobody else wants to come along for the ride.

The Yankees win the World Series and as soon as you can say the words “Johnny Damon wants a four-year contract” the rest of the New York–area teams go down the tubes. They went a combined 5-11 this past week. It must be a hangover. Are all the local teams riding on the Yankees’ coattails and going to all of their parties? It’s also possible that many of the area teams just stink. The Knicks and Nets went a combined 0-7 this week, and are 1-16 for the year, for instance. It was only the always-good Devils that skewed the combined record by going 4-0, and they barely count as a local team.

Here’s a day-by-day look at the past seven days.

Friday: The injury-riddled Nets lost to Philly, which kept them winless for the season, and the Devils beat the Islanders in a continuation of the New Jersey–Long Island War of 1801, in which it was so cold and icey out during the Battle of Massapequa that both sides just gave up after 15 minutes and vowed to resume fighting “when they invent the game of hockey and the Colorado Rockies move to New Jersey.” The big highlight of the evening was, of course, the Knicks game. And, as expected, the Knicks were humiliated by LeBron James and the Cavs. They fought back bravely at the end, but who were they kidding? The game was secondary, though, as the real story was: Will LeBron come to New York next year? The Knicks owe it to their fans after shipping Walt Frazier off to Cleveland as compensation for signing Jim Cleamons and forcing him to wear those yellow, orange and red stripey uniforms. Here’s an argument for both sides of the LeBron to New York or LeBron stays in Cleveland debate.

5 Reasons Why LeBron James Should Come to New York:

1. On his days off, he can go to Rudy’s and take advantage of the free hot dogs.

2. New York City is the talcum powder capital of the world.

3. He should to get out of town before Eric Mangini’s losing rubs off on him.

4. He can fulfill his lifelong dream of playing in a softball league on Randall’s Island during the summer.

5. Drew Carey will finally have to move out of his basement.

5 Reasons Why LeBron James Should Stay in Cleveland:

1. There’s better oompah music in Cleveland.

2. It’s closer to his vacation home in Toledo.

3. If he comes to New York, Braylon Edwards will have to be traded back to Cleveland.

4. The only Knick players worth having as teammates have long retired.

5. He gets to hang out with Willie Mays Hayes.

Saturday: The Rangers lost the game to Calgary and lost two centers to boot. Chris Drury was knocked upside the head with a cheap shot but his teammates just let it slide. The Knicks continued their losing ways, falling to Milwaukee, 102-97. “We got outplayed so badly in the first quarter, it really didn’t matter what happened after that,” stated David Lee. It’s looking like you can probably say that about the whole season. The Nets lost. Again. That Russian billionaire might want his money back at this point. The surging Devils beat Ottawa, 3-2, and the scrappy Islanders defeated Atlanta, 6-3. How fun would it be to have three top-notch hockey teams in the area? How good would it be to just have three hockey teams in the area? The Isles can’t go to Kansas City, can they?

Sunday: The Giants suffered a crushing loss. Sure, the Chargers have pretty cool helmets but that’s no excuse for the Jints to lose. Their defense is just not the same as previous seasons. Where have you gone, Steve Spagnuolo? Giants fans turn their lonely eyes to you. And the offensive game-calling was conservative, playing not to lose instead of to win. As my daughter once told me after a heated game of Go Fish, “YOU PLAY . . . TO WIN . . . THE GAME!”

Monday: The Knicks lost a heartbreaker to Utah. It was the Toney Douglas show, but he just couldn’t make that last shot. Will he soon be taking over for Chris Duhon? In better news, Brian Leetch, Lou Lamoriello and John Davidson were all enshrined in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Tuesday: There weren’t any local games, so nobody could lose on this day. Mark Teixeira and Derek Jeter won Gold Gloves today, though. No one can argue with the wizardry of Teixeira at first, and Jeter had one of his best seasons on defense. In the past, Sabremetricians were rolling over in their graves when Jeter would win a Gold Glove. And the ones that weren’t dead were rolling their eyes. And the ones that were wearing eye patches were shrugging their shoulders. And the ones who had their shoulders amputated due to too much shrugging, well, they have bigger problems than Jeter’s fielding. Speaking of big problems, a svelte Eddy Curry returned to practice. He lost weight easily once he realized the diet he was on for the past year wasn’t working. He had been trying one of those celebrity fad diets: James Gandolfini’s All Little Italy All the Time Diet.

Wednesday: The Knicks had a big lead but lost to Atlanta. Douglas had his second straight 20-plus point game, after being inserted into the starting lineup as the shooting guard. The Nets announced before their game vs. Philly that they would be changing their name to the Washington Generals, and on cue they went out and lost. The Devils just keep on winning, though, beating Anaheim. And the Islanders scored a late goal to send the game into OT, but ultimately lost in a marathon shootout to Washington. Both teams ran out of players so Guy Charron had to come out of retirement to score the game-winner for the Caps.

Thursday: The Devils moved into first place with their victory last night in Pittsburgh, which was their ninth straight road win to start the season. One more ties the NHL record. And the wrong-way Rangers keep going backwards. Marian Gaborik scored as usual, and they got two goals from the center position playing with their makeshift lineup, but bad defense, too many penalties and not enough effort did them in again.

Eighteen games into the Rangers’ season and this is what we’ve seen so far: the effort comes and goes, the scoring comes and goes, the forecheck comes and goes, the backchecking comes and goes and the defense comes and goes. And they’re not very physical, as we saw when no one stood up for Chris Drury on Saturday night. Their 7-1 start has been followed by a 3-6-1 stretch, so they’re also inconsistent. With a break in the Rangers’ schedule, now’s a good time to divide up the roster into four categories and see which players are overachieving, which are underachieving and which are, unfortunately, Michal Rozsival.

Godsends: Marian Gaborik, Vinny Prospal, Michael Del Zotto, Matt Gilroy. Gaborik has done everything and more that was expected of him when he signed. He’s seamlessly fit in with the Rangers and produced at a superstar level. Health remains the only question mark for him. Prospal’s given the team more than was expected, and has certainly earned the A on his sweater. Maybe he even deserves the C. He and Gaborik have great chemistry going, and the scoring load has fallen on their shoulders. Nobody knew how Del Zotto and Gilroy would fare when the season started, and both have thrived. Del Zotto is the best offensive defenseman on the team, with improving defense and is becoming more physical. And Gilroy has been very sturdy, with flashes of offense.

Surprises: Artem Anisimov, Ales Kotalik. Anisimov has stepped into the lineup and been solid all around. And with the team now shorthanded at the center position, he’s sure to get more playing time to prove himself. Kotalik has shored up the power play with his play at the point and has been one of the few players besides Gaborik and Prospal to provide offense.

As Expected: Henrik Lundqvist, Stephen Valiquette, Michal Rozsival, Wade Redden, Enver Lisin, Aaron Voros, Brian Boyle. These are “as expected (great or good),” “as expected (still developing),” “as expected (fourth liners at best)” and “as expected (God help us all).” You can guess which are which.

Disappointments: Chris Higgins, Chris Drury, Brandon Dubinsky, Ryan Callahan, Marc Staal, Dan Girardi, Sean Avery, Donald Brashear. It took Higgins until the 16^th game to score his first goal (but then scored in the next game, too). No matter how many MSG-produced press releases Sam Rosen and Joe Micheletti read to us during the games, Drury isn’t having a good season. The announcers make it seem like the team has ordered Drury not to score goals. It’s possible he may be back on the ice as early as Thursday’s game against Atlanta, though. This was the year that Staal was going to become a star, wasn’t it? He’s obviously still good but isn’t having the kind of breakout season the team was hoping for. And Girardi has taken turns being awful and great. Dubinsky and Callahan just aren’t producing enough. But the team will sure miss Dubinsky the next month or two. Avery is not playing like the Avery we all love (or hate). Is he afraid to make mistakes and feel the wrath of John Tortorella? And finally, Brashear’s been injured, and when he plays he’s useless. He couldn’t even win a fight when he bothered fighting.

(Congratulations to Hall-of-Famers Brian Leetch and John Davidson.)

All anybody’s talking about in the New York area is the Islanders’ first regulation win over the Rangers (though Jimmy Rollins predicted it on Monday). You can’t walk down the street without somebody stopping you and asking all about the hockey team from Long Island. Will they get on a roll? Is John Tavares the real deal? Islanders, Islanders, Islanders! Everybody’s forgetting all about the bad start of the two local basketball teams, and does anybody even know that the Yankees are in the World Series this year? All the Islanders-all-the-time talk is really taking the pressure off the other local teams.

Here at Hot Stove, we know that the Yankees are in the World Series again, as you can’t get anything by us. The Bronx Bombers paid their $200 million entry fee into the Series, setting up a rematch of the 1950 Fall Classic. And with so many off-days, it seems like there are about 59 years between games in this postseason. In the Series we’ve already seen Cliff Lee nonchalantly put the Bombers’ bats to sleep, and in game two the Yankees proved once again to be Pedro Martinez’s daddy. After the game, Martinez also claimed that Mark Teixeira was his uncle, Hideki Matsui a distant cousin and Jorge Posada was his Aunt Lucille. People in New York may not care for the Phillies (or Eagles or Sixers or Flyers), but not everything from Philly is bad. They did give us two of America’s greatest cultural achievements (no, not Chase Utley’s hair): Cheesesteaks and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Of course, the mayors from the two cities made their usual bet on the Series. Many ideas were tossed around on what the bet would consist of: If the Yankees lose, New York City would change its name to Mike Schmidtville, if Philly loses it would change to Little Smellier New York; if the Phils win NYC would have to replace the Statue of Liberty with a 300-foot statue of the Philly Phanatic, if the Yanks win Philadelphia has to tear down its statue of Rocky and put one up of Clue Haywood; if the Phillies win Pedro Martinez gets to slam the Yankee coach of his choice to the ground once more for old time’s sake, if the Yankees win A.J. Burnett gets to smash a pie filled with stuff fished out of the East River in Shane Victorino’s face. They finally settled on the losing city just disappearing from the face of the earth.

In local football news, the Jets and Giants beat Oakland this season by a combined score of 82-7. The Jets kept things simple for Mark Sanchez, who spent the game eating hot dogs in the huddle while watching his running backs go wild. Teams instantly get back on track when playing the Raiders, but can it work like that in real life, also? If your marriage is on the rocks, can you spend the day with the Oakland Raiders and you’ll be on your way to a second honeymoon? Failing out of high school? Will three hours with the Raiders get those grades back up and you’ll find yourself enrolling in Harvard? If your life is falling apart because of an alcohol problem, will running around the football field for an afternoon with the Raiders put everything back into place? Are the Oakland Raiders the cure for all of our problems?

Player of the Week

Shonn Greene: The Jets rookie stepped in when Leon Washington was lost for the season, and gained a whopping 144 yards and scored two touchdowns. But how many spellings of the name ‘Sean’ do we need? Shonn, Chone, Shean, Sean, Shaun, Shawn. Stop the madness.

Runners Up

A.J. Burnett: The Yanks needed Burnett to come up big, and he was clutch in game two, throwing seven strong innings and outdueling Pedro.

Mariano Rivera: After getting a two-inning save to close out the Angels on Sunday, Rivera did it again last night to save game two of the World Series (though he got a little help from the umps).

Mark Teixeira/Hideki Matsui: Each blasted a homer to right, which was enough offense for the Bronx Bombers. But what’s happening to Alex Rodriguez? 0-8 with six strikeouts in the Series? Uh-oh.

Thomas Jones: Another day at the office for Jones – 121 yards and a TD.

Jets Offensive Line: They only let up one sack and have blocked their way to being the first team to have back-to-back 300 rushing yards since the 1975 Bills, who, of course, featured O.J. Simpson. Let’s just hope that none of these linemen become A.C. Cowlings to Thomas Jones’ O.J.

Calvin Pace: The busy linebacker had three sacks, seven tackles and two forced fumbles. But does it really count if it’s against Oakland?

Andy Pettitte: The veteran lefty notched his record-setting 16^th postseason win, while clinching the ALCS for the Yanks on Sunday.

Kevin Boss: The Giants tight end had three catches, but the one late in the game when he was almost knocked unconscious with a helmet to helmet hit earns him a spot here. That’s one tough dude.

Jeff Tambellini: The Islanders went 1-0-2, this week, and Tambellini picked up three goals and an assist along the way.

Brook Lopez: The Nets big man scored 27 points, hauled in 15 rebounds and blocked five shots, but the Nets still collapsed in Minnesota.

Marian Gaborik: The Ranger star had five points in two games, and left a gaping hole in the lineup when he missed Wednesday’s game.

R.I.P. Bill Chadwick: Legendary Rangers announcer The Big Whistle died on Saturday, at the age of 94. He was colorful, loud and fun. I ranked him #7 on my painstakingly non-researched post of the best local announcers of the last 40 years. He was originally a referee and invented the hand signals that refs still use today. I was watching the Rangers game when his death was announced, which reminds me of the time when I was a kid and was viewing the back-to-back Hogan’s Heroes episodes that channel 5 used to show from 11 PM–midnight, when the news team cut in with the startling report that the show’s star Bob Crane was murdered. I instantly blamed Colonel Klink. Coincidence? Synchronicity? The ghost of Bob Crane has haunted me ever since, though. I constantly wake up to find radios in my coffee pot, tunnels built under my house and Lebeau’s strudel sitting on my kitchen counter.

Schmuck of the Week

Eli Manning: The Giants QB may have been over-thinking things a little too much by changing plays at the line of scrimmage on every down, taking two delay of game penalties along the way and throwing three picks. Or was he listening to the Yankees game in the radio in his helmet?  At any rate, Manning had trouble hooking up with his receivers all game long and never seemed to solve Arizona’s defense.

The Rangers ended their three-game losing streak by beating Phoenix last night, 5-2, winning the game for former Ranger announcer Bill “The Big Whistle” Chadwick. “We’re dedicating our season to the announcing legend. So much of my youth was spent watching the Rangers on channel 9, listening to the antics of Chadwick and his partner, Jim Gordon, that for a while there, I thought Chadwick was my father, and my real dad was just some guy from the neighborhood who sat around the living room drinking vodka all the time. We had to win this game for The Big Whistle or I’d never forgive myself,” said captain Chris Drury. (Ok, he didn’t come close to saying that; I said it to myself while I was riding on the subway this morning.)

The Blueshirts were going the wrong way the last week or so, but last night they turned things around and put in a steady performance. They fell asleep after taking a 4-0 lead, and got off to a rocky start in the third period when Dan Girardi took a penalty before he even got out of the locker room, put they took care of business the rest of the way. Brandon Dubinsky and Chris Higgins were set free from chateau bowwow, and both had solid games, though Higgins still can’t buy himself a goal. The defense played well, and Michael Del Zotto is now tied for the NHL lead in points for defensemen, with 12. The team didn’t constantly turn the puck over like they had been, they didn’t make mistakes in the neutral zone and they were quicker to the puck, getting back to the way they want to play the game. And their special teams continue to be among the best in the league.

The stars of the game were the revamped first-liners: Marian Gaborik, Vinny Prospal and Enver Lisin. Gaborik and Prospal continue to impress, performing as well as anyone could have expected. And the talented Lisin seems to fit right in with the two veterans. As John Tortorella stated, “I think you often put a young kid that doesn’t have the skill that he has in a top position and it may not work. Lis is a talented player and is getting better away from the puck.” Prospal is now two assists behind Joe Thornton for the league lead. The consistently great Gaborik is now tied for the league lead in goals, with 10, and is second in points (18). But we heard the five words no Ranger fan wants to hear last night: “Gaborik limps off the ice.” He claims the injury is not to his hip or groin, both which have given him problems in the past, and no one around the team seems to be concerned, so hopefully it’s just a routine “lower body” injury and he’ll be back for Wednesday’s game.

The Rangers need to find a little more consistency, and play a full 60 minutes, but as Dave Maloney said after the game, they’re a work in progress, with many new players and a new coach. They got back to their winning ways last night, and, surely, The Big Whistle in the sky was up there watching this game, and I could have sworn I heard him yell, “Shoot the puck, Del Zotto! Shoot the puck!”

It was a brutal week for the New York football teams, as the Giants got killed and the Jets fell to lowly Buffalo and lost Kris Jenkins for the rest of the season. Even the hockey teams mixed in some debacles with a few wins. And something bad probably happened to the Mets even though their season is long over.

But even after last night’s loss, the Yankees are sitting pretty, with a 3-2 lead in the series and heading back home. With a budget as high as our country’s deficit, the Yanks had two options this offseason: Use their money to cure the U.S. economy or buy a whole bunch of free agents. They chose the latter, and it’s working out just fine (well, for them). Unfortunately, the one aspect of the playoffs that has stood out the most is the atrocious umpiring. The horrible umpiring in this year’s postseason is unprecedented, but there are things out there that are actually worse, if you can believe it. And there’s only one way to discover what those things are – we’re going to have to play Family Feud. So here we go . . . let’s play the Feud! We’ve surveyed 20,000 Americans and came up with the top 20 answers. Name something that is worse than this year’s playoff umpiring. Survey says . . .

Steve Phillips‘ judgment

Steve Phillips’ taste in women

Steve Phillips’ wife’s taste in men

ESPN’s taste in announcers

The closers on every playoff team except the Yankees

Joe Girardi’s decision to bring in Alfredo Aceves in game three

The Angels’ defense

The Angels’ base running

The Islanders

The Nets

The Knicks

The Mets

Bud Selig

Nick Swisher’s ALCS batting average

Chip Caray

The Tennessee Titans

Eric Mangini

An Omar Minaya press conference

Me spending 45 minutes at work watching a flying saucer-shaped balloon fly over Colorado (oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t give that time back for anything)

And the #1 answer: Sobriety

Players of the Week

CC Sabathia: He was the man in games one and four. Eight innings and one run in the first game and then he did it again his next time out on Tuesday. Short rest? No problem. He’s already been storing up food for the winter by eating eight meals a day, so strength wasn’t an issue (ok, he probably does that year-round).

Alex Rodriguez: What’s going on with the erstwhile choke artist? He may be calm and relaxed on the outside, but his clutchness seems to have caught a case of ’roid rage. He has three homers and five RBI’s and is batting .368 in the ALCS

Runners Up

Mariano Rivera: The always reliable Yankees closer has pitched five innings in four games without giving up a run in the series vs. the Angels.

Derek Jeter: He and A-Rod carried the Yanks during the first part of the ALCS. He’s belted two dingers and has driven in three.

Domenik Hixon: The only bright spot for the Giants this week was Hixon’s 281 kickoff and punt return yards.

Thomas Jones: The Jets running back set a franchise-record, with 210 rushing yards. He also had one TD, and two career-long runs in a row (64 and 71 yards), but it wasn’t enough to beat Buffalo.

Zach Parise: The star of the Devils had four goals (including two vs. the Rangers last night) and two assists this week.

Martin Brodeur: The future Hall of Famer ended his hex against Henrik Lundqvist last night and also notched another shutout this week.

Michael Del Zotto: The Ranger teenager added two more goals, which gives him nine points in his first 10 games.

Matt Moulson: In four games this week, the Islander netted three goals and assisted on another.

Schmucks of the Week

Mark Sanchez: He threw a whopping five interceptions, and finished with an 8.3 QB rating on Sunday. Maybe he is the next Joe Namath, after all. Broadway Joe threw a lot more INT’s than TD’s in his career (220 to 173).

Giants D: Not a good game for anyone on the Giants D on Sunday. They let up almost 500 yards, couldn’t cover any of the Saints receivers and didn’t put any pressure on Drew Brees. Are the injuries starting to catch up with them? Did they think too much of themselves and came in to the game unprepared? Or did the recent bad baseball umpiring affect their play?

In the midst of the Rangers’ seven-game winning streak, coach John Tortorella stated, “We’re teetering on going the wrong way here.” And man was he right. The Rangers did more than teeter against San Jose – they plummeted, crashed and burned. Their poor play finally caught up with them. They can come out on the winning side against a team like Toronto while being outplayed, but not against an upper-echelon team like the Sharks. As the third period went on, I thought I was reliving the Giants-Saints game. How did Drew Brees end up with a hat trick?

The Rangers are taking way too many penalties. In the first nine games of the year, they’ve been shorthanded a whopping 49 times, which is third worst in the league. The good news is that their penalty killing is again one of the best in the league. But it’s hard to control the game and score goals when player after player is marching off to the penalty box. More discipline is needed. Part of the problem seems to be that for an attacking-style team they haven’t been doing a lot of attacking. They spend a huge chunk of the games in their own end, back on their heels. Their aggressive forecheck has tailed off, and they’re getting beaten to the puck.

Another issue (which may not go away) is the lack of toughness on defense. They get pushed around and manhandled around the net. Most of San Jose’s goals came when the puck was right in front of the net, not from outside shots. The D doesn’t have the size or snarlyness to clear the crease. Michael Rozsival and Wade Redden arent’t bringing much to the table yet again this year (though Redden has shown flashes of being less than the disaster he was last season). Marc Staal is the team’s biggest, toughest defenseman. Where’s Jeff Beukeboom when you need him?

But the recent poor play of the Rangers is all fixable. Last season’s “success” was partly a mirage, with Henrik Lundqvist bailing them out game after game and needing the shootout to gain two points. That team simply couldn’t score goals. Things are different this season, though. This year’s edition has an offense, a good power play, a system in place with everybody on board and a coach who seems to hold the players accountable. They have a good thing going, so all they need to do is tighten up, pay attention to detail and stop the lazy play.

Foreseeing a game like Monday’s debacle didn’t necessarily take a soothsayer, but it makes you wonder what other events in the future Tortorella can predict. Asked that question after yesterday’s practice, he forecasted sunny skies for the next few days with rain coming on Friday night, prophesized the Dow hitting 12,000 by the end of 2010, envisioned Community getting picked up for another season while Parks and Recreation would be cancelled by Christmas and prognosticated that Manny will continue to be Manny.

Now that the Great Balloon Hoax of Aught-Nine is over, we can concentrate on sports again (CC Sabathia’s uniform is so big and baggy, it could probably be filled with helium and flown across the country, too). This past week in New York sports, the Yankees swept the Twins and now have to take on those pesky, team-of-destiny Angels, the Giants killed the Raiders to stay undefeated, the Jets suffered their second consecutive loss, the Rangers kept on winning, the Devils heated up, but the poor Islanders still couldn’t manage to notch their first victory of the year. The most bizarre moment of the week, though, was the Mickey Rourke sighting on the Giants sideline. And Kevin Bacon showed up at the Garden for the Knicks preseason home opener. Is the cast of Diner making the rounds of the local sports teams to commemorate the 27^th anniversary of the movie?

Besides being at the Knicks game, Bacon could also be seen hiding in the Yankees dugout on Friday because, unbeknownst to A. J. Burnett, that was Shrevie’s wife, donned in curly black wig, behind the plate and not Jose Molina (or even Carol Heathrow for that matter). And wasn’t that Daniel Stern with a headset on standing next to Rex Ryan on Monday Night Football? I’m not an expert in lip reading, but I think Kris Jenkins put Stern’s James Brown album in the jazz section, and Stern was none too happy about it. I’m pretty sure he was also yelling at the Jets defense, “You never ask me what’s on the flip side!” Paul Reiser was spotted sitting at the end of the Islanders bench on Monday wondering if John Tavares was going to finish his sandwich and telling him, “You know what word I’m not comfortable with? Nuance. It’s not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture’s a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong.” Tim Daly ended up in the penalty box during Wednesday’s Rangers game, and was heard yelling at the Kings, “I’ll hit you so hard, I’ll kill your whole family!” And, yes, that was Steve Guttenberg playing goalie for the Devils against Washington on Monday. He did play Jim Craig in made-for-TV movie Miracle on Ice, after all. Martin Brodeur was busy taking Guttenberg’s hockey quiz, so the actor had to fill in for him.

Player of the Week

Alex Rodriguez: The Yanks’ third baseman batted .455, with two HR’s and six RBI’s in the division series vs. the Twins, and belted a game-tying two-run dinger in the bottom of the ninth on Friday. His transformation from a steroid cheating, adulterous, narcissistic, megalomaniac phony to just a regular narcissistic phony is the talk of the town. He’s even going to star in an upcoming movie, The Pride of Scott Boros.

Runners Up

Ahmad Bradshaw: The Giants backup running back only had 11 carries, but gained an impressive 110 yards and scored two TD’s.

Andy Pettitte: Sunday was Pettitte’s 36^th postseason start, the most in MLB history, and his 15^th win tied him with John Smoltz for most victories. Of course the postseason lasts almost as long as the regular season now. Whitey Ford could have won 30 games if had a chance to pitch in the “postseason” and not just the World Series.

Mariano Rivera: It’s Mariano Rivera Appreciation Week. Look at Joe Nathan, Jonathan Papelbon and Huston Street as exhibits A, B and C to see how good the Yankees have it. The best closer in the history of closers pitched 3.2 scoreless innings, with seven K’s and one walk in the three game series.

Mark Teixeira: The MVP candidate blasted a walk-off homer that just cleared the fence on Friday. Now that it’s playoff time, the deep-pocketed Yankees have specially made shaving cream pies flown in direct from the Gillette factory (though the Yankees had to hire a shaving cream taster to test them for poison beforehand since Gillette is located in South Boston).

Eli Manning: Things couldn’t have worked out better for Manning and the Giants. He was in the game Sunday just long enough to test out his foot and build up a quick 28-0 lead. He went 8 for 10, throwing for 173 yards and two TD’s. He finished with a perfect QB rating of 158.3, which was, coincidentally, the same score I got on my SAT’s.

David Carr: The backup QB mopped up for 2+ quarters, going 9 for 14 (90 yards), and had a rushing TD.

Justin Tuck: The monster defensive end recorded two sacks, a forced fumble and a fumble recovery. He led the D, which dominated―six sacks, three forced fumbles, 124 total yards allowed, and they didn’t give up a first down until well into the second quarter.

Braylon Edwards: The new Jets receiver made his presence felt in his debut, hauling in five passes for 64 yards, including a few acrobatic catches and a TD reception.

Vinny Prospal: The veteran left winger notched two goals and four assists in the three games the Rangers played this week, and netted the 200^th of his career.

Marian Gaborik: Mr. Third Period scored two goals and had two assists in three games. He has a point in all seven contests played by the Blueshirts this season.

David Clarkson: The Devils’ winger scored the game-winner in Saturday’s victory over Florida, and tied the game in the third period in Monday’s shootout win against Washington.

Schmuck of the Week

Rex Ryan: Uh-oh. Did Ryan take classes at the Herm Edwards school of clock management? His defense didn’t seem prepared, but at least he blamed himself for the Jets’ loss to the Dolphins. So he practically volunteered to be the Schmuck of the Week. Don’t forget, he’s a rookie, too. You could throw a few of the Jets players on here, also, for whining about Miami’s wildcat offense.

The season is still very early, but it looks like the Rangers have found themselves a legitimate first line. Marian Gaborik, Brandon Dubinsky and Vinny Prospal fit together like other great trios of the past – the Marx Brothers, the Three Stooges, the Mod Squad, Richie, Ralph and Potsie, Cream and, of course, Charlie’s Angels (well, maybe not them – or any of the others come to think of it).

Gaborik is the first top-talent game-changer the Rangers have had since the days of Jaromir Jagr (seems like a long time ago now, doesn’t it?). But Jagr was finicky and quirky, and had trouble fitting with other linemates (except Michael Nylander). Gaborik, Dubinsky and Prospal have clicked since game one. And they’re producing on a nightly basis. Gaborik is all he was cracked up to be (I’m crossing my fingers that he doesn’t get injured as I write this), netting five goals to go along with four assists in six games. He has a point in every game, and goals in four of them. Prospal has a point in the team’s last five games, and is standing at a goal and six assists so far. Dubinsky has six points in six games (two goals, four assists).

With scoring coming from up and down the roster – Ales Kotalik, Sean Avery, Dan Girardi, Michael Del Zotto - there’s no need to break this line up and spread them across two or three lines. They’re dangerous every time they step on the ice. Gaborik is a matchup nightmare for the opposition coach, Prospal’s the smooth playmaker and Dubi does the dirty work. And they’re not a liability on the defensive side, as Gaborik is plus-7, Dubinsky plus-7 and Prospal plus-5.

Now all they need is a name. There was the old French Connection line, the Kraut line, the Legion of Doom and, of course, the Rangers’ own GAG line. How about the BMV line (first name initials)? Nah, too much like DMV, and whenever they’re on the ice, people will associate them with standing in line while getting frustrated and angry. Two Czechs and a Yank? Two Czechs and a Mate? Nope, too sitcom-y. The Duborikal line? Sounds cool and sinister, but it also seems like it could be a medicine you’d take for fibromyalgia. The New and Improved GAG line? Too long. Brandon, Vaclav and Marian? Too much like Peter, Paul and Mary. Any ideas? Comment below, and whoever comes up with the best name will win a case of Duborikal.