In 2006, the Mets were one game away from the World Series. And that’s been their biggest problem the last three years. They still think they’re one game away from the World Series. But they’re not. And they’re not even close. 2006 was their year. It was their chance. Their opportunity. And they blew it. And they’ve been a step behind, plugging holes, sticking their finger in the dike, fixing last year’s problems, or even the problems from the year before that, ever since. Unfortunately, the big problems who go by the names of Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel (is Wally Backman waiting in the wings now that he’s been hired to manage Brooklyn? God, I hope so) are still here, so we’ll have to live with them at least through the beginning of the 2010 season.

The Mets’ failings are more than the bullpen issues of ’07 and ’08, and more than the power outage and injuries of ’09. The team needs more than Matt Holliday and John Lackey (though they definitely need them). The Mets have shown a glaring lack of hustle, effort, competence, intensity and anything that remotely resembles solid fundamentals on the baseball field. They need a wholesale change of culture. They’ve been much too blasé about winning over the last few years. What they need is a more powerful will to win. All too often we saw them shrug their shoulders when losing started piling up, with the attitude that they’d start winning sometime in the vague, nebulous future. “You can’t win ’em all,” was the phrase they seemed to so easily embrace. When the Mets traded for Jeff Francouer, my first reaction was, “Now I have to root for that guy?” He was the last player I thought I would like, but he’s shown more intensity with a will to win than any other player on the team. We all know about his shortcomings at the plate and he’s probably not as good a fielder as his defensive reputation makes him out to be, but he’s the kind of complementary player the Mets need. If he’s batting sixth or seventh, fine. Not every player in the lineup can have a .400 OBP. He’s got that football player mentality that no one else on the roster possesses (well, except Johan Santana). There’s no need to trade Carlos Beltran, David Wright or Jose Reyes, but they need a new breed of sidekicks in order for the Mets to change their ways on the field.

The Omar Minaya Mets don’t have any grit and toughness. No team is going to win with nine David Ecksteins or nine Jeff Francouers; you need more talent than that to be a successful team. But, no, grit and toughness don’t have to be “intangibles.” If you barrel over the catcher, instead of gently sliding around him, Mets-style (or not even sliding at all), and knock the ball out of his glove to score a run, that’s tangible. That shows up on the stat sheet. Francouer’s the only Met I could even imagine knocking over a catcher. If you block a base preventing an easy path for an opposing team’s base runner and tag him out, that’s tangible. If a fielder sacrifices his body to get in front of a hard-hit ball (Carlos Delgado could barely put in the effort to move his body at all to field a grounder, let alone get in front of a ball, and Wright’s come up with a bad case of the olés the past year) and record an out, that’s tangible. And just running out pop-ups and ground balls can do wonders for a team.

There are rumors the Mets are looking to trade Luis Castillo, with names like Orlando Hudson, Chone Figgins and Brandon Phillips popping up as possible replacements. Good. The Mets need to cut ties with guys like Castillo, and Delgado and Fernando Tatis as well. And their starting rotation is in a shambles. Would you trust Mike Pelfrey, John Maine and Oliver Perez to be three-fifths of your rotation? I can propose some cockamamie trades and signings, but like many Internet/blog proposals, they’d never happen and I’m not smart enough to come up with realistic trade proposals or think I can be a GM. So I’ll just say the Mets need to do more than add a couple of free agents. You can’t keep bringing the same players back and expect different results. Beltran recently stated that he wants to see Delgado back for another year. I surely wouldn’t expect him to publicly say that he doesn’t want the first baseman to return, but I don’t think the players realize the team has bigger problems than last year’s injuries.

The Mets are more than one free agent signing away from being a World Series contender. They need to reshuffle their roster, and import a different brand of player. The Mets look at themselves in the mirror and think all they have to do is comb their hair and straighten their tie and they’ll be all right, when, in fact, they’re not even wearing any pants. They need to stop looking to fix the past and instead find a plan and identity for the future.

Finally! The waiting is over! After nine long years without a World Series victory, the Yankees are champs once again. Nobody suffers like a Yankees fan. Think of the toll all those championship-less years have taken on an eight-year-old Yankee fan who’s never seen his favorite team win. After overcoming the Curse of Danny Cater by winning it all in ’77 and the Curse of Hiring a Manager Named Stump with the team’s ’96 Series win, the Bombers have now wiped out the Curse of Giving Us the Image of Jason Giambi in a Thong. This year’s Yankees were a heartwarming story of pies to the face and walk-off wins, and they were, of course, built the old-fashioned way: By buying up every free agent star on the market and paying hundreds of millions of dollars to them. The World Series celebration was more subdued this year because the only people who can afford to go to a Yankee game are the players and their Hollywood girlfriends. But however big their payroll is, they got it done on the field, so they earned it. And the Phillies were certainly no pushovers.

Instead of the usual Player of the Week mumbo jumbo, here are some World Series observations and fun facts:

With their 27^th championship, the Yanks have won 25.7% of all World Series. Whether you love ’em or hate ’em, that’s impressive.

Out of all the players in the history of baseball who have styled their hair using bacon grease, Chase Utley is without a doubt the best of the bunch.

Johnny Damon’s mad dash to an uncovered third base was the best play of the Series and will be the signature highlight of this Fall Classic. If this postseason has taught us anything, it’s that other teams can be as boneheaded and fundamentally lacking as the Mets.

Bud Selig is coming closer and closer to fulfilling his dream of having a baseball game played on Thanksgiving.

If it was his last game with the Bronx Bombers, Hideki Matsui made his mark as a Yankee in this Series, by batting .615 with three home runs and eight RBI’s, and driving in six runs in the clincher, which tied a record set by fellow-Yankee Bobby Richardson in 1960. Matsui also announced after the game that he would be releasing a tell-all book entitled, Stuff I Overheard in the Yankee Clubhouse After Tricking Everybody Into Thinking I Didn’t Speak English.

Is there a cooler character than Cliff Lee? He might as well have been throwing pitches between taking bites of a sandwich.

Do you think Tim McCarver tries to predict every little moment at home like he does when announcing a game? “I can tell we’re going to have pot roast tonight, kids, because your mother is opening the oven door with her left hand. And when she wears an oven mitt on each hand, you just know she’s going to be pulling out a big roast of some kind.”

Phillie fans think Joe Buck is pro–New York and Yankee fans feel he’s pro-Philadelphia. But, come on, he hates all of us East Coasters. His allegiance is to Anheuser-Busch and St. Louis.

I imagine the word “choking” won’t be coming out of Cole Hamels’ mouth on the radio this offseason.

Alex Rodriguez finally got his World Series ring. Thank God―we were all worried for him. Will he love himself even more now? Imagine the makeout sessions with the mirror this winter.

Jimmy Rollins made a nice fool of himself with his Patrick Ewing-like prediction before the Series. Maybe he should stop with the yapping and use that time to take some extra batting practice. That’s two years in a row he’s left the heavy lifting for his teammates (.217 in this year’s Series; .227 last year).

It looks like Mark Teixeira is the new/old A-Rod, with his .136 average. Lucky for him the Yankees won.

The performance of the Phillies’ bullpen was no surprise, but the rest of the Phillies didn’t look like the Phillies. What happened to Ryan Howard (he broke the World Series record for most strikeouts, with 13, and batted .174), Rollins, Shane Victorino (.182) and even Pedro Feliz (.174)? That didn’t resemble the Philadelphia team we’ve seen over the last few years.

Andy Pettitte was the winning pitcher in each postseason series clincher for the Yanks this year. Every Yankee fan knows he’s the pitcher you want in a big game. They also know if they need steroids, Pettitte can round some up for them in a pinch.

Joe Girardi: Lucky or genius?

The Yankees announced this morning that they will be charging a nominal $2,500 fee to each fan who attends today’s parade. “If we ripped them off before we won the World Series, think of what we can do now that we’re champs. They’re not the greatest fans in the world for nothing,” they stated in a press release.

Congratulations, New York Yankees.

Here are five things worth noting in week one

1) Carmelo Anthony is playing like the MVP: Melo leads the NBA in scoring with 37.7 points per game and has scored at least 40 points in two straight games. He also has attempted 41 free throws and averaging 7 rebounds per game. The Nuggets are 3-0 including wins over Utah and Portland. If he continues this all season he moves into the first round next season.

2) Gilbert Arenas is back: Arenas had a season high 31 points vs. the Nets on Halloween. He also shot 69% from the field and attempted 12 free throws. In three games this season he is averaging 28 points, 6.7 threes, 2.3 threes and 1 steal per game. He was drafted in the late second-early third in most drafts which looks like a steal now.

3) Trevor Ariza and Aaron Brooks are fantasy gold: Ariza scored a season high 33 points last Saturday and has made 11 three-pointers in three games. He is averaging 23.3 points, 1.7 steals in 38 minutes per game. Brooks is averaging 21.7 points, 8.3 assists, 2.3 threes and 1.3 steals per game over 39 minutes. Both these players should see big minutes all season which will only help there stats. More importantly both players are shooting well from the field so far.

4) Brandon Jennings is already becoming an elite fantasy PG: Based on his first two games it’s seem hard to believe the Knicks drafted Jordan Hill over him. Jennings first game almost resulted in a triple double with 19 points, 9 assists and 9 rebounds. He followed that game with 24 points, 3 three-pointers and 3 steals.

5) Chris Paul is making the case again why he goes before Lebron James: James is having a strong start to the season but Paul has stepped up his game. Cp3 is averaging 26 points and 1.7 threes per game which would be career highs. His assists and steals are down but he is shooting 65% from the field.

Other stories: Devin Harris already out at least a week, Pau Gasol has missed three games already, Chris Bosh is second in scoring and rebounding, Steve Nash is leading the NBA with 14 assists per game, Channing Frye is averaging 19.7 points per game, Greg Oden leads the league with 2.75 blocks per game, Boston and Miami a combined 7-0, Nets, Clippers, Clippers and Kings all did not have a win.

It was a brutal week for the New York football teams, as the Giants got killed and the Jets fell to lowly Buffalo and lost Kris Jenkins for the rest of the season. Even the hockey teams mixed in some debacles with a few wins. And something bad probably happened to the Mets even though their season is long over.

But even after last night’s loss, the Yankees are sitting pretty, with a 3-2 lead in the series and heading back home. With a budget as high as our country’s deficit, the Yanks had two options this offseason: Use their money to cure the U.S. economy or buy a whole bunch of free agents. They chose the latter, and it’s working out just fine (well, for them). Unfortunately, the one aspect of the playoffs that has stood out the most is the atrocious umpiring. The horrible umpiring in this year’s postseason is unprecedented, but there are things out there that are actually worse, if you can believe it. And there’s only one way to discover what those things are – we’re going to have to play Family Feud. So here we go . . . let’s play the Feud! We’ve surveyed 20,000 Americans and came up with the top 20 answers. Name something that is worse than this year’s playoff umpiring. Survey says . . .

Steve Phillips‘ judgment

Steve Phillips’ taste in women

Steve Phillips’ wife’s taste in men

ESPN’s taste in announcers

The closers on every playoff team except the Yankees

Joe Girardi’s decision to bring in Alfredo Aceves in game three

The Angels’ defense

The Angels’ base running

The Islanders

The Nets

The Knicks

The Mets

Bud Selig

Nick Swisher’s ALCS batting average

Chip Caray

The Tennessee Titans

Eric Mangini

An Omar Minaya press conference

Me spending 45 minutes at work watching a flying saucer-shaped balloon fly over Colorado (oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t give that time back for anything)

And the #1 answer: Sobriety

Players of the Week

CC Sabathia: He was the man in games one and four. Eight innings and one run in the first game and then he did it again his next time out on Tuesday. Short rest? No problem. He’s already been storing up food for the winter by eating eight meals a day, so strength wasn’t an issue (ok, he probably does that year-round).

Alex Rodriguez: What’s going on with the erstwhile choke artist? He may be calm and relaxed on the outside, but his clutchness seems to have caught a case of ’roid rage. He has three homers and five RBI’s and is batting .368 in the ALCS

Runners Up

Mariano Rivera: The always reliable Yankees closer has pitched five innings in four games without giving up a run in the series vs. the Angels.

Derek Jeter: He and A-Rod carried the Yanks during the first part of the ALCS. He’s belted two dingers and has driven in three.

Domenik Hixon: The only bright spot for the Giants this week was Hixon’s 281 kickoff and punt return yards.

Thomas Jones: The Jets running back set a franchise-record, with 210 rushing yards. He also had one TD, and two career-long runs in a row (64 and 71 yards), but it wasn’t enough to beat Buffalo.

Zach Parise: The star of the Devils had four goals (including two vs. the Rangers last night) and two assists this week.

Martin Brodeur: The future Hall of Famer ended his hex against Henrik Lundqvist last night and also notched another shutout this week.

Michael Del Zotto: The Ranger teenager added two more goals, which gives him nine points in his first 10 games.

Matt Moulson: In four games this week, the Islander netted three goals and assisted on another.

Schmucks of the Week

Mark Sanchez: He threw a whopping five interceptions, and finished with an 8.3 QB rating on Sunday. Maybe he is the next Joe Namath, after all. Broadway Joe threw a lot more INT’s than TD’s in his career (220 to 173).

Giants D: Not a good game for anyone on the Giants D on Sunday. They let up almost 500 yards, couldn’t cover any of the Saints receivers and didn’t put any pressure on Drew Brees. Are the injuries starting to catch up with them? Did they think too much of themselves and came in to the game unprepared? Or did the recent bad baseball umpiring affect their play?

It’s only three games into the season, but we’re already seeing differences between last year’s Rangers team and this season’s version. A (relatively) new coach and an overhauled roster will do that. Here are seven contrasts between the Tom Renney 2008-09 Blushirts and John Tortorella’s 2009-10 edition.

1. Only one minute and 24 seconds into Monday’s game against the Devils, Tortorella called a timeout and ripped his team a new one. And the players actually responded, by going out, working hard and winning the game. Renney would have politely implored his players to at least act like they were trying, and then been just as politely ignored, resulting in a 6-1 shellacking.

2. The safe, boring, sit-back-and-wait-for-bad-things-to-happen style of Renney is gone. And when the aggressive, all-hands-on-deck attacking mode that Tortorella favors isn’t working that night, the team is showing it can adapt, like they did in New Jersey, settling into a blue-collar battling approach.

3. The defensemen are scoring. Last year the D couldn’t score if they were the only players on the ice, but so far, with the additions of Michael Del Zotto and Matt Gilroy, the blueliners are making a big contribution on offense.

4. This year’s power play is looking different. It’s only produced goals in one game, but it sure seems different. With so many new players playing on the man advantage, they don’t have last year’s failure and bad habits weighing them down. And they have Marian Gaborik and new point men that can make a big difference.

5. They have a world-class offensive talent in Gaborik. They had nothing that resembled him last season. His skill, shooting and puck movement are a sight for sore eyes.

6. Tortorella’s not going to roll out four lines. Renney rotated all four lines religiously last year (and in his defense, his fourth line was often the best one on the ice). Tortorella’s going to give his top players the most ice time. But when the fourth line is needed, they’ll be fresh, as they were when they played a lot of minutes during the last part of the Devils game.

7. Playing time will be cut if the performance isn’t there. Del Zotto and Gilroy sat on the bench for most of the last half of Saturday’s game, with the Rangers only going with four D-men. There was no accountability last season with Renney.

The Giants went into this game as heavy favorites, and won easily, 27-16, with most of Kansas City’s points coming in garbage time. The only way the Chiefs could have beaten the Giants was if they had Len Dawson, Otis Taylor, Ed Podolak, Curly Culp, Buck Buchanan and Jan Stenerud still playing.

The star of the game for New York was Steve Smith. He caught 11 passes for 134 yards and scored two touchdowns – and he barely played in the fourth quarter. And guess what? He now leads all NFL receivers in just about every major category. He’s #1 in receprions (34), #1 in yards (411), #1 in yards per game (102.8) and #1 in TD’s (4). He runs his routes with perfection and always seems to be open. He and Eli Manning have a great chemistry going. Best off all, he doesn’t suffer from the prima donna syndrome that most star receivers are afflicted with these days. I really don’t think Smith will be changing his name to Steve Unodos anytime soon.

The big concern coming out of this game is, of course, Manning’s injury. If it’s just a bruised heel, he should be all right. But if it turns out to be an Achilles problem, it could be trouble. But the Manning family seems to be indestructable. If Archie could survive all those years on those horrible Saints teams, then nothing can keep this family off the field (or away from the cameras making TV commercials).

The checklist going into yesterday’s game included getting some sacks for the first time since week one and getting Brandon Jacobs off the schneid. Both goals were accomplished, as the D sacked Matt Cassel five times and Jacobs had his best game of the year, picking up 92 yards on 21 carries, for a 4.4 average. Michael Boley and Antonio Pierce had good games. Bryan Kehl recovered a fumble on the opening kickoff and then grabbed an onside kick to start the second half. Hakeem Nicks caught one pass, but it was good for a 54-yard TD run, most of it his own doing, dodging tacklers on his way down the sideline.

But the Giants surely weren’t perfect. They’re still settling for too many field goals once they get inside the red zone. And Lawrence Tynes is missing one FGA per game. Where’s Pete Gogolak when you need him (ok, he’s 67 years old, but still)? Mario Manningham dropping and bobbling balls is becoming too commonplace (Manning’s one INT came on a Manningham drop). And they’re still letting teams get too close to them in would-be blowouts.

The Giants’ easy and relaxing early season schedule continues next week, when they host the 1-3 Raiders. It should mean a 5-0 start for Big Blue when they have to start facing some tougher competition - that is unless Oakland brings Ken Stabler, Mark van Eeghen, Fred Biletnikoff, Dave Casper, Otis Sistrunk and Phil Villapiano with them.

When we last saw the Jets, the comedy team of Eric Mangini and Brett Favre were sabotaging the season. Favre confessed that he had a torn biceps tendon, but he’s just covering up for his arm – it wasn’t torn, it was drunk. The team was even fined for the subterfuge. New and improved coach Rex Ryan gave a pregame speech to remember; it basically boiled down to this: Win on for Richard Todd. And win they did. The rookie coach even shed a tear after the game – it wasn’t because his team won, though, but instead the reason behind the crying was that he just found out that NBC cancelled My Name Is Earl to make room for Parks and Recreation. And when Ryan was about to present owner Woody Johnson with the game ball, Kanye West appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the ball and yelled out, “Weeb Ewbank is the greatest Jets coach in the world! In the world!”

Meanwhile, the Giants are in the midst of an era of consistency. They have the same coach, same QB, same O line, same D line, with only a few new faces on the team. They won their season opener, but the score shouldn’t have been that close. They do have a little problem with taking the foot off the pedal, and making games closer than they should be. But a win’s a win. The Giants have started a new tradition after victories, which combines the Gatorade dunk the team invented in the ’80s with the whipped cream pie in the face that this year’s Yankees have adopted. After every win some of the players will dump a giant bucket of pie fixin’s over Tom Coughlin’s head.

As for baseball, with their win on Saturday, the Mets were assured they would not lose 100 games for the season, but they’re still not a lock to be in the majors next year. And the Yankees brawled their way through the week, winning three, losing three and winning one on a TKO.

Player of the Week

Mark Sanchez: The rookie QB had an impressive debut (18 for 31, 272 yards, one TD), looking poised and veteran-like. Jet fans everywhere are ready to anoint him the new Joe Namath. He’s already picked up the nickname The Sanchise. And in honor of Braodway Joe, Sanchez is dating Ann-Margret.

Runners Up

Osi Umenyiora: The Giants’ All-Pro defensive end returned to the field after missing all of last season, and he did it in a big way, with a sack and fumble recovery for a touchdown.

Kris Jenkins/Bart Scott: These two led the dominating Jets D, stopping Houston from running the ball, passing the ball and doing anything else with the ball.

Eli Manning: Forced to throw the ball because the ground game was going nowhere, Manning stepped with a quietly efficient game, spreading the ball around to his inexprienced receivers. He finished the afternoon by going 20 for 29, with 256 yards passing, one TD and one INT.

Thomas Jones: The Jets running back had a productive day, rushing for 107 yards and scoring two TD’s.

Steve Smith/Mario Manningham: The two standouts in the Giants receiving corps in week one. Smith led the way with six catches for 80 yards, and Manningham made some nifty moves (with a little help from some bad tackling) on his way to his first career touchdown.

Derek Jeter: Oh yeah, the Captain passed Lou Gehrig for the all-time Yankees hit record on Friday night.

Hideki Matsui/Francisco Cervelli: They came up with the big hits for the Bombers this week. Matsui belted a  homer and drove in five runs in Sunday’s win and blasted a two-run dinger in the eighth to tie up Wednesday’s game. And Cervelli finished things off in that contest, with a walk-off single in the bottom of the ninth. That gives the team 14 walk-off wins this season, which is three shy of the franchise record, set in 1943.

David Wright: The Mets third baseman exploded on Saturday, with two homers and six RBI’s, to single-handedly beat the Phillies. Yes, it was the only Mets win of the week.

Jeff Francoeur: The Mets right fielder batted .407 this week, and is doing it all with torn ligaments in his thumb.

Schmucks of the Week

We have three candidates this week:

1. Johnny Damon: Damon cost the Yanks a run when he seemed to be auditioning for the Mets and forgot how many outs there were on Sunday.

2. Daniel Murphy: He made a big base-running blunder in Sunday night’s game and then his fielding miscues led to Wednesday’s loss.

3. Jorge Posada: The usually classy catcher started Wednesday’s brouhaha with what most thought was a cheap shot behind home plate. Joe Girardi wasn’t very happy about it, and even umpire Jim Joyce didn’t like it: “”It was very unsportsmanlike. It was a cheap shot.”

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Derek Jeter started feeling the pressure to overtake Lou Gehrig as the Yankees’ all-time hits leader, but he came through as always (well, was he really never going to get a hit again?). Tonight he’ll attempt to pass the Hall-of-Fame first baseman and stand alone at the top of the heap. Here’s a list of other lesser-known Yankee records that will most likely never be broken:

Highest number of floozies and alcoholic beverages consumed in one night: 29, Babe Ruth (it’s unclear how many were drinks and how many were floozies).

Most times teammates swapped wives: once, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich

Most hits by a Yankee backup catcher in 1966: 47, Jake Gibbs (this is one record that will never be broken)

Most times a player sat in a cake while pantless: 11, Sparky Lyle

Most times a Yankee manager was referred to as “Stump”: 1,342, oddly enough it wasn’t Stump Merrill but Ralph Houk

Most times a player had to clean George Steinbrenner’s pool to stay on his good side: seven, Steve Howe

In other news, the Yankees tuned up for the playoffs by winning five out of seven games, including a doubleheader sweep over the Rays, while the Mets are getting a head start on next year’s spring training. They’re trying to play the spoiler but every team they play is pretty much out of contention (or already has the division locked up) so there’s nothing really to spoil, and they can’t win more than one or two games a week anyway. On Tuesday, during the Mets broadcast, SNY experimented with the “Silent Sixth,” having nothing but the ambient sounds of the game for a full inning sans announcers. The Yankees should try that with their radio broadcasts; it would be a big improvement over John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. And the Jets and Giants made their final cuts and are getting ready for week one of the season. Big Blue bid farewell to David Tyree, but he didn’t leave empty-handed, as the Giants presented him with a “Super Bowl Hero” coffee mug as security escorted him off the premises.

Player of the Week

Derek Jeter: Who else could it be? He went into an 0-12 funk with the spotlight shining on his every at-bat, but he finally tied the Iron Horse’s record (Mike Blowers is holding steady at 44, but is out there somewhere thinking about a comeback). With one more hit, Jeter will get to stand side by side with New York’s other franchise hit leader, Ed Kranepool. The Yankee shortstop has a long way to go to match the legendary status of that Met great, though.

Runners Up

Nick Swisher: The lovable goofball hit a walk-off wall scraper (it was measured at 190 feet) on Tuesday, which was his second homer of the game. For the week, he belted three long balls, drove in six and scored eight runs.

Mike Pelfrey: He pitched eight innings and only allowed one run on Sunday. That’s right, he pitched eight innings and they were all in the same game.

A.J. Burnett: The Yankee pitcher got back on track on Monday with a win against Tampa Bay. “I didn’t throw anything that I didn’t want to throw. Every pitch I had conviction behind it 100 percent,” he said after the game. In an unrelated note, Jorge Posada was “accidentally” locked in the trainer’s room for the duration of the game.

CC Sabathia: The ginormous lefty struck out 10 batters during his seven-inning, one-run stint on Monday.

Carlos Beltran: The Mets center fielder returned to the lineup after a two-and-a-half-month absence. He could have packed it in for the year, but he’s a ballplayer, he said. That’s what he does. Now he doesn’t have to go into next season wondering how he’ll feel. He’s an example and inspiration to everyone who makes over $100 million in a seven-year period.

Schmuck of the Week

Angel Pagan: He forgets how many outs there are when he’s running the bases, he gets thrown out at third on a groundball hit to the shortstop, he loses track of the ball on a hit-and-run and gets forced out at second instead of ending up on third. There’s only one logical explanation for his baserunning misadventures: He’s drunk.

I can read you know. I’ve seen all those hurtful and hateful things written about me all over the Internet. Yes, I know, I’m big. I’m oversized. I’m comically gigantic. But I can’t help it, I was made that way. Don’t blame me. And please, don’t take it out on my poor friend, David Wright. It’s not his fault. He got beaned by a 94-mile-an-hour heater right in the melon. And it hurt. It really, really hurt. Of course, he looks absolutely ridiculous, but if you’re going to laugh at anybody, laugh at me. Or laugh at Ryan Dempster. He was the first player to wear a similar model to myself. But it’s easier to laugh at a Met, isn’t it?

Can’t you see my positive qualities? I have a cool name – the s100. It kind of sounds like a rocket ship. Or a monster truck. Those are nothing to laugh at. And you want protection? I can give it to you. Not only can I safeguard a player from a 100-mile-an-hour fastball, but if an anvil falls on his head, he’s safe from that, too. A ton of bricks? A piano? Debris from outer space? Safe, safe and safe. Who wouldn’t want to have me around to fortify their noggin?

So I implore you to leave David alone. He hasn’t done anything wrong. He just wants a little peace of mind. So what if it takes a monstrous helmet to provide that (ok, it’s so enormous, it doesn’t even fit in the picture at the right)? He wants to feel safe, sound and secure. And isn’t that what everybody wants?