So it’s Wednesday morning and it’s just another routine day – I’m tooling around my house on my Hoveround like always, making myself one of those healthy breakfast shakes made of Lucky Charms, chocolate milk and a half dozen Yodels, when I suddenly realize it’s one of our great holidays – St. Patrick’s Day. With drinking, and uh, even more drinking, what’s not to like? Everybody grabs a pint of Guinness or a green beer, sings “Dirty Old Town,” wears their “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt and at least pretends to be of Gaelic persuasion. I, on the other hand, am German, so I throw on my “Don’t kiss me I’m German – that would be inefficient, emotional and unsanitary” T-shirt, and head off to work. I’m not the only one around these parts who wears a variation on the “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt, though; here are some like-themed T-shirts seen worn by local athletes past and present on St. Patty’s Day:

“Kiss me – I’m not Irish, but there’s a 98% chance you’ll end up pregnant” – Antonio Cromartie

“I’m Derek Jeter; you’ll kiss me when I tell you to kiss me” – Derek Jeter

“Kiss me, but you’ll have to wait until I’m finished making out with myself in the mirror” – Alex Rodriguez

“I’m Keith Hernandez; I won the 1979 MVP; I can kiss anybody I want” – Keith Hernandez

“Kiss me, I’m thin now and don’t have those old barbecue sauce stains on my face anymore” – Rex Ryan

“Kiss me and you’ll get the best fist pump of your life” – Joba Chamberlain

“Kiss me but don’t smudge my goggles” – Frankie Rodriguez

“Kiss me I’m Irish – really, I am, I’ll even introduce you to the Dropkick Murphys” – Daniel Murphy

“Um, yeah, ya know, ok, kiss me, know what I’m sayin’?” – Omar Minaya

“Holy Cow! She kissed me, White! Can you believe that?! I’m not even Irish, I’m Italian. Anybody who wants to kiss me must be a huckleberry! I hope Cora doesn’t find out about this. Unbelievable!” – Phil Rizzuto

“Kiss me – oh come on, I’m not that creepy, am I?” – John Sterling

“Kiss me, Roger Clemens, oh please God, let him kiss me” – Suzyn Waldman

“Kiss me . . . oh, my knee!” – Tracy McGrady

“Kiss me . . . oh my knee!” – Rick DiPietro

“Kiss me . . . oh my knee! – Carlos Beltran

“Kiss me – and then get in the truck” – Stephon Marbury

“Kiss me, no really, I’ll kiss anybody, come on, I mean it” – Steve Phillips

“I already kissed her” – Sean Avery

“Don’t even think about it” – John Tortorella

Here are the top stories in the world of New York sports this past week:

There’s Only One LT: The Jets signed LaDainian Tomlinson to a two-year contract to replace Thomas Jones. Shouldn’t they have just re-signed Jones? He’s actually more durable and more productive than the former Charger these days. But maybe Tomlinson will work out better as a backup and third-down option. The real controversy, though, involves his stolen nickname. There’s only one LT around here, and we all know that’s Lawrence Taylor. So Tomlinson better start coming up with ideas for a new nickname, because the real LT can eat shrimps like him for breakfast.

Port St. Lucie Roundup: What do you know − Oliver Perez pitched eight innings this week and only gave up two runs. Does that mean there’s a glimmer of hope for him yet? Johan Santana bounced back in his second outing of the spring, to throw four shutout innings. Mike Pelfrey also pitched four quality innings, while mainly using his secondary pitches. John Maine, though, showed his Kevin McReynolds−like passion by admitting he “wasn’t into it” when he came into a game in relief and got lit up. Jon Niese and Fernando Nieve haven’t really impressed anybody so far in the battle for the fifth spot, but Rod Barajas would disagree with that assessment, as he compared Niese to Cliff Lee and Jon Lester. We’ll settle for an Al Jackson comparison and a healthy season. But is Hisanori Takahashi squeezing his way into the fifth-starter conversation? Frankie Rodriguez made his spring debut on Monday and blew the Cardinals hitters away on seven pitches. The Jenrry Mejia debate is heating up as he continues to shine. And Angel Pagan got us all excited for the season when he provided some fireworks with a walk-off two-run homer on Monday.

Tampa Roundup: CC Sabathia performed better than his previous two outings (4.1 IP, three runs, three hits), as his mechanics are starting to fall into place. Andy Pettitte and Chan Ho Park made their first appearances of the spring this week. As for the battle for the fifth spot in the rotation, is dark-horse Alfredo Aceves taking the lead? Joba Chamberlain has pretty much stunk but pitched better on Wednesday, while Phil Hughes has been excellent but not as good as Aceves, who has 0.90 ERA this spring (though it’s only spring training of course, so take all the stats with a grain of salt). A bullpen of Mariano Rivera (who made his spring debut on Tuesday), Chamberlain and Hughes doesn’t look too bad, though.

Now They Start Winning: The Islanders upset the Devils, 4-2, on Saturday, defeated the Maple Leafs, 4-1, on Sunday and kicked Vancouver’s butts, 5-2, on Tuesday for their first winning streak in two months. John Tavares broke out of a slump in a big way, with two goals and three assists vs. the Canucks. They’re out of the playoff picture so it’s all about the kids now for the Isles. But shouldn’t it always be about the kids? For I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride, to make it easier, let the children’s laughter remind us how it used to be . . . because the greatest gift of all is happening to me (well, it’s happening to Scott Gordon).

Now They Start Winning (Sort of): The Knicks went 2-1 this week. They killed Dallas, 128-94, on Saturday night ending the Mavs’ 13-game winning streak and getting revenge in the process for the 50-point beat down that occurred the last time these two teams met. As the saying goes, revenge is a dish best served in Texas with a biscuit and a side of mac ’n’ cheese. This week’s point guard (and maybe for longer – “This time, we mean it”) Toney Douglas was the star, with 21 points, eight assists and no turnovers. He did it again on Monday, leading the Knicks to a win over Philly, with 20 points and seven assists. And just as importantly as his offensive contributions, he plays defense. But St. Patrick’s Day was a Boston massacre for the Knicks, as the Celtics stomped them, and then the ghost of Red Auerbach blew cigar smoke in their faces for good measure.

Now They Start Winning (and Then They Start Losing): The Rangers won their first two games of the week, and then lost their last two. They beat Atlanta, 5-2, on Friday with help from their usually non-productive power play. They whipped Philly, 3-1, with Sean Avery leading the way by being Sean Avery. Poor Daniel Carcillo was pretty much ignored all night, but the not-so-great-fighter Brandon Dubinsky gave Mike Richards a beating. That’s something you don’t see every day – the Rangers acting tougher than the Flyers. Of course, the Rangers couldn’t find any consistency and were beaten in every aspect of the game by Montreal, and Henrik Lundqvist had a rare bad outing against St. Louis, which means only one thing for this team − a loss.

They Never Stopped Wining: After losing to the Islanders earlier in the week, the Devils beat Boston, 3-2, on Monday to clinch their 18^th straight winning season (they also defeated Pittsburgh for a season sweep of their division rivals and lost in a shootout to Toronto). It’s the longest active streak in sports (unless you count the Mean Machine in The Longest Yard, because every time that movie’s on, they always seem to beat the prison guards, year after year after year). The all-time record is held by the Montreal Canadiens, who had 32 consecutive winning seasons, from 1951-’52 to ’82-’83. As soon as the season ended, the ’83-’84 team, which went 35-40-5, were all lined up on the ice in the old Montreal Forum, blindfolded,  then shot and killed. They take their hockey seriously up there in Canada.

They Can’t Stop Losing: The Nets went 0-4 this week. No need for details.

R.I.P. Peter Graves: This week’s post is dedicated to actor Peter Graves, who passed away a few days ago at the age of 83. Sure, he had a long and illustrious career, but he’ll forever be remembered for one line: “You ever seen a grown man naked?”

Baseball season is right around the corner (hey, three weeks is like four days when you’re my age, so twentysomething days is “right around the corner” to me), and after all the snow this winter, I’m ready. But here comes one of those “the old days were better” ramblings – they don’t call me Old Man Freier in my neighborhood for nothing (actually they pretty much just ignore me because I start every sentence with “Back in my day”). I was recently watching part of game five of the 1976 Yankees-Royals LCS that YES always seems to show and an episode of The Bronx Is Burning on MSG (the one about the 1977 LCS, which intersperses real highlights from the series), and it’s safe to say that baseball has changed since then. It may not have been better, but it was different. It’s lost a lot of its toughness and boys-will-be-boys attitude. In the 1976 game, the first pitch thrown by Grant Jackson right after George Brett hits his game-tying three-run homer in the top of the eighth is aimed right for John Mayberry’s head. It was clearly 100% intentional, but nobody batted an eye. Mayberry ducked out the way, but didn’t even look at Jackson, let alone stand and glare at him or shout at him. The announcers barely mentioned it – just that it was ball one. And there were no stupid umpire warnings, thank god. If that happened today, alarms would go off and the batter would run and hide until it was safe to come back on the field.

In the 1977 LCS, Graig Nettles broke up a double play by putting his shoulder down and running over Frank White, sending him to into oblivion. He made no effort to slide. Of course, the rules have changed since then, and players now have to at least pretend to slide. The rulebook was mainly rewritten because of what Royal Hal McRae did to Willie Randolph, when he body blocked him into left field. Second basemen were just waiting to get killed back then. Again, maybe that’s not better, but different. And then there was the famous fight between Nettles and Brett. Punches were thrown, bodies were slammed, Nettles even kicked Brett – but no one was thrown out of the game. Boys will be boys. There’s even a scene in the miniseries where Billy Martin/John Turturro stands on the top step of the dugout yelling expletives at Royals pitcher Larry Gura (I’m assuming that it’s based on a true incident). Can you imagine Joe Girardi cursing at John Lackey? Today’s players are so much more sensitive and fragile than the old-timers, with their taking offense to any pitch that comes near them, their body armor, pitch counts, delicately sliding around catchers, manicured hair, dancing and handshakes, the disappearance of bench jockeying, coddling by the union and owners, wearing batting helmets while running the bases – you get the picture. And they’re so much nicer to their enemies, with all the fraternizing that goes on. Sure, today’s spoiled players are more athletic, faster, bigger and stronger (wink, wink), but little by little, the game is turning into softball, with no contact, and god help you if you hurt anyone’s feelings. As the Hanson Brothers might have said: “Old-time baseball! Thurman Munson! Cookie Rojas! Lou Piniella!”

Ok, the boring sermon is over, and now back to 2010. Here are the top stories in the world of New York sports this past week:

Comings and Goings: The NFL free-agent frenzy has begun. Say good-bye to Thomas Jones (Chiefs), Kerry Rhodes (Cardinals), David Carr (49ers) and Fred Robbins (Rams), and say hello to Antrel Rolle, Jim Sorgi, Brodney Pool and Antonio Cromartie. The Jets kindly gave $500,000 up front to their new cornerback so he can clear up the many, many, many (many) paternity issues he has going. He’s the Brady Bunch, Eight Is Enough, With Six You Get Eggroll, Yours, Mine and Ours and My Three Sons all rolled into one.

The Week in Port St. Lucie: Thyroids, pink eye, sore shoulders, pitchers getting hit in the knee with line drives, Oliver Perez getting hammered, front office miscommunications and buffoonery – it’s just another routine week for the Mets. John Maine had a promising outing, though when healthy, he’s usually good, while Perez and Mike Pelfrey were lit up. Any bad performance by one of those guys and we’re in “the sky is falling” territory, but with Johan Santana it’s all about how he feels. Statistically, his first start didn’t go so well (1.2 innings pitched, four runs, six hits, one K, one BB), but as long as he’s healthy, who cares? Frankie Rodriguez is back in camp after suffering from pink eye and the slings and arrows of Goose Gossage calling him a clown (I’m not sure which is worse). Clowns everywhere will come out of the woodwork to criticize Gossage because the Hall-of-Fame reliever used the word “clown” in a derogatory manner. We’re only days away from a press conference/formal apology from the former Yankee great: “I apologize to any clowns I may have offended. I regret my choice of words. I should said ‘bonehead’ instead.” And because the Mets can’t seem to pull off the simplest of tasks, for a few days we had Thyroid-Gate, starring Jose Reyes’ overactive thyroid (“It’s not overactive!” “Yes it is!”). Of course, now he’ll be out for weeks or even months before he can resume any kind of baseball activity. But kids Jenrry Meija and Ike Davis along with not-so-young Chris Carter keep on impressing everybody – so they have that going for them.

The Week in Tampa: The Phil Hughes/Joba Chamberlain duel began this past week, and the verdict so far: Hughes pretty good, Joba very bad (27.05 ERA). Francisco Cervelli was drilled in the melon and got a concussion on Saturday. Thankfully, he seems to be doing fine now. And speaking of doing fine, Nick Johnson’s back on the field and homered twice on Tuesday. CC Sabathia looked a lot like Santana on Tuesday, when he went 2.2 innings and let in five runs on seven hits. Meanwhile, the Alex Rodriguez/Dr. Tony Galea controversy continues. The shady doctor treated A-Rod without permission from the Yankees, and now, unlike Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran, he’s refusing to come clean on what went on. The feds may be twisting his arm, but if he’s not guilty of anything then just say so. Of course, A-Rod can’t trust himself to not stick his own foot in his mouth. He’s walking around camp muttering advice to himself, “Don’t say anything stupid. Just pretend you’re somebody else.”

The Race for the Worst: The Nets beat the Knicks this week but they’re still in a race against time for the worst record ever. If they win three more games, will the 1972-’73 Philadelphia 76ers pop the champagne and celebrate like the ’72 Miami Dolphins? The worst record in Nets franchise history is 17-65, by the way. The 1989-’90 team, coached by Bill Fitch, set that mark. Dennis Hopson was their leading scorer (15.8), while Sam Bowie was their top rebounder (10.1 per game). That pretty much says it all. Other players on that team: Chris Morris, Mookie Blaylock, Roy Hinson, Purvis Short, Lester Conner, Charles Shackleford, Chris Dudley, Derrick Gervin, and even Anthony Mason and Rick Carlisle. Looking to the future, though, there was a groundbreaking ceremony yesterday in Brooklyn for the team’s new arena, with Jay-Z and other luminaries grabbing a shovel. But there was no sign of Joe Barry Carroll.

Not Much Better: The woeful Knicks lost to the Nets, and missed all of their three pointers along the way. They did beat Atlanta by one point, though, to try and regain some dignity. But their loss on Wednesday to San Antonio clinched their ninth straight losing season, setting a franchise record (they had eight consecutive losing seasons from 1959-’60 to ’66-’67). Thanks James Dolan. Now please just go away.

Momentum Changer: So, an aging, balding drunk who’s kind of a jerk walks into a bar (this sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn’t it? But it’s just what I did on Sunday night), and at that same moment Brandon Dubinsky scores the tying goal against Buffalo. But before I even had a bottle of beer in my hand, the Sabres scored in overtime to beat the Rangers. And just like that, another point gets away from them. Even the usually reliable Henrik Lundqvist/Martin Brodeur matchup let them down, when the Devils crushed the Blueshirts in a sloppily played game by both teams. Points are quickly slipping away. Is this the beginning of the end for the Rangers (or did that happen on opening day?) and the beginning of a turnaround for New Jersey, who hadn’t been winning consistently in a few months? It’s getting late fast for the Rangers. And it’s all over for the Islanders, as they lost all three of their games this week.

The Knicks recently celebrated the 40^th anniversary of their first championship, which got me to thinking – and yes, this is what I think about while cracking open my ninth beer of the night: New York-area teams have a seven-decade championship streak on the line this year. For the last seven decades (and eight out of nine) a New York team has played in a championship game when the year ends in a zero. Sometimes they lost, sometimes they won, but they reached the final game or series. Coincidence? Yeah, but so what? Let’s look back anyway.

The year 2000 was a bonanza. The Yankees and Mets squared off in the World Series, the Devils won the Stanley Cup and the Giants made it to the Super Bowl but lost to Baltimore (the game was played in 2001 but it was the 2000 season). In 1990, the Giants beat Buffalo in the Super Bowl (wide right!). The Islanders won the first of four consecutive Stanley Cups in 1980. The Knicks, of course, won their first championship in 1970. The Yankees lost a heartbreaker to Bill Mazeroski and the Pirates in 1960. 1950 saw the Yanks defeat the Whiz Kid Phillies for their second of five Series wins in a row, and the Rangers were defeated by Detroit in the Stanley Cup. 1940? The Rangers won, of course, beating Toronto for their third Stanley Cup victory. The streak’s broken link is 1930. Native New Yorkers the Marx Brothers released Animal Crackers that year – does that count? The Brooklyn Dodgers (or Robins, as they were sometimes known as back then, when they temporarily changed their name in honor of their manager, Wilbert Robinson) lost to Cleveland in 1920. I don’t know what happened in 1910. None of the three local baseball teams reached the World Series, and the football, basketball and hockey teams didn’t exist yet. Maybe Theodore Roosevelt won a bear wrestling championship or Christy Mathewson was victorious in a design-the-most-creative-straw-hat-and-win-a-Victrola contest.

So who will keep the streak alive this year? I think we can count out the Nets, Knicks and Islanders, and the Rangers would be a real, real long shot (ok, a real, real, real long shot). The Yankees, of course, have to be the favorite. David Wright thinks the Mets can make it to the World Series. The Devils always have a shot (but maybe Martin Brodeur is too depressed after being benched in the Olympics). And the Jets and Giants may get there if things break right for them. But it’s almost a guarantee that one of our teams will make it, right? Well, after you drink nine beers, it will seem like a lock.

Here are the top stories in the world of New York sports this past week:

Close But No Cigar: The Friday snow storm and shovel-fest worked out so I could watch the U.S.-Finland game instead of going to work (after getting a foot and a half of snow, it was sunny out at my house on Friday afternoon – go figure), and the US of A gave those Finnish bastards a 6-1 stomping (they’re not really bastards but I don’t know enough about Finland to come up with a more fitting derogatory term). Canada won a thriller against Slovakia, setting up the gold medal game. I never thought I would root for Zach Parise, but when he scored that goal with 24 seconds left, there I was rooting for a Devil. It was shades of his father, Islander J.P. Parise, scoring the overtime goal that beat the Rangers in the first round of the 1975 playoffs. Why did Sidney Crosby of all people have to be the one to score the winning goal? Right after he put the puck in the net, he took a dive for old time’s sake and complained to the ref before celebrating with his teammates. It was fun while it lasted. And I guess it was all worth it just to listen to the sagacious ramblings of the always-insane William Shatner later that night. But why couldn’t he have sung “Rocket Man”? Now that would have been the perfect ending to the Winter Olympics.

Good News/Bad News: The good news: The Knicks destroyed Detroit on Wednesday, with four players scoring over 20 points (that hasn’t happened since the 1971 Baltimore Orioles – no wait, that was four 20-game winners on the same team; four 20-point scorers on the same team probably happened last week some time); the bad news: They were humiliated and embarrassed by Cleveland in the previous game. The good news: The Knicks beat Washington in overtime on Friday; the bad news: They followed that up with a loss to Memphis. The bad news: Tracy McGrady’s knees have been bothering him all week; the good news: The Knicks traded for his expiring contract, not his knees (and now he’s the point guard du jour). The good news: The Knicks won two out of four games this week; the bad news: Those are the only two games they’ve won in their last 12. The bad news: Eddy Curry is coming back; the good news: He can stand in the lane and distract the other team by having them stop and say, “Hey, I though you retired about 15 years ago.” The good news: Both Mike D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh manned up and took the blame for the Knicks defenseless, pathetic play of late; the bad news: The Knicks stink.

Do You Believe in Miracles?! No, I’m not talking about Olympic hockey, but the Nets beating the Celtics in Boston on Saturday. That’s pretty much as miraculous as it gets. Kevin Garnett wasn’t feeling so good about the loss: “I got nothing to say. I feel disgusted.” But the Nets still couldn’t manage to come up with their first winning streak of the year, when they blew a lead to Washington on Sunday. But they’ve won games two weeks in a row, now. That’s a miracle for them. In their last game of the week, they were blown out by Cleveland. So the Cavs beat the two local teams by a combined 50 points.

Dr. HGH: It’s probably much ado about nothing (though we shouldn’t believe anything players say these days, should we?), but the FBI recently questioned Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran and want to speak to Alex Rodriguez. They all have tenuous ties to Dr. Tony Galea, who is under investigation for conspiring to smuggle HGH into the U.S. from Canada. Reyes used the doctor’s shaken-not-stirred blood-spinning procedure last year, when he was trying to put his hamstring back together. At least Beltran answered all their questions without pulling a Sammy Sosa – “No inglés, señor.” No word on A-Rod’s link to the good doctor, but he’s already a steroid cheat as it is, so the damage is already done for him. Every day a new name comes out. Who’s next? Horace Clarke? Bill Sudakis? On the field, Reyes took the first pitch he saw this spring in game action and hammered it down the line for a two-run triple. And Jon Niese threw two innings without falling down while writhing in pain, so that’s some good news for the Mets so far this spring. Of course, the Mets were just playing against themselves. But the next day, they beat a real live actual team (the Braves), for their first win of the grapefruit league season, with talk-of-the-camp Ike Davis belting two doubles. Yesterday he smashed a grand slam in the Mets’ win over the Cards, and the team picked up reliever Kiki Calero to help with the bullpen depth. As for the Yankees, Joe Girardi took his players on an arcade outing to do some team bonding, loosen the guys up and take a break from those grueling three-hour days spent lounging around in perfectly ideal sunny weather. Two months of negotiations preceded the trip, as the Players’ Union haggled with the Yankees over who would supply the quarters. A.J. Burnett won the Indy Car racing competition, Andrew Brackman was the Skee-Ball champion and Royce Ring won the Pop-A-Shot event. Andy Pettitte and A-Rod were barred from taking part in the games because they failed a drug test. The Yankees won their first spring training game, too, but they win every game, don’t they? And oh yeah, Nick Johnson’s already injured.

They’re Back: Well, most of the Rangers are. Marian Gaborik came down with a lower body injury that somehow involved back bacon in Vancouver and is out indefinitely. I kind of enjoyed the break. How many times can you write that the Rangers don’t have a lot of talent, can’t score, don’t consistently play hard and their GM stinks? But they did come storming out of the gate with a 4-1 win over Ottawa, which was their third victory in a row. But on Friday, they lost to Pittsburgh in overtime despite Henrik Lundqvist’s heroic performance. Though he let in five goals, he made 50 saves (50!) and was the best player on the ice. The Islanders put poor Rick DiPietro back on the all-too-familiar injured reserve list, soundly beat Chicago, 5-3, and then got hammered last night by Atlanta, 6-3. And the Devils also won their first game back, beating San Jose, 4-3, but Brodeur let in three quick goals as fast as you can say the words “Roberto Luongo.”

Trade Deadline: The Rangers picked up peripatetic backup goalie Alex Auld off waivers last week, and the local teams only made minor trades leading up to the deadline: The Islanders sent Greg Moore to Columbus for Dylan Reese, and Andy Sutton was shipped off to Ottawa for a second-round draft pick; the Devils picked up Martin Skoula from Toronto for a fifth-round pick; and the Rangers traded minor leaguer Jordan Owens to Detroit for Kris Newbury and sent Miika Wiikman (and a 2011 seventh-round pick) to Phoenix for Anders Eriksson. The big deals were made a few weeks ago – for Ilya Kovalchuk and Olli Jokinen. The Blueshirts probably should have been sellers, but at least they didn’t do anything stupid.

What Have You Done For Us Lately (A Lot, Actually): The Jets are all set to release Thomas Jones today. He rushed for a career-high 1,402 yards and scored a personal best 14 touchdowns last season. The team is taking a gamble by dispatching the veteran leader. He may have been injured at the end of the season, but so were Shonn Greene and Leon Washington (his future is up in the air, too). “It’s not you, it’s us,” stated the Jets to Jones. But now they may be having second thoughts, as they’re contemplating releasing and then re-signing the popular running back. Lito Sheppard is gone, though. “It’s you, not us,” they told him. And in late-breaking news, the Jets traded a 2011 draft pick for Antonio Cromartie.

Ok, so I’m at Penn Station in the men’s room the other day (and no, I wasn’t “loitering” or “hanging out” or “experimenting” – I was just “freshening up” before my train ride home), and this guy is holding a fancy Victoria’s Secret gift bag with a wrapped present sticking out of it, when he drops it on the floor as he’s zipping up. Now, of course, the floor in there is, shall we say, wet. In fact, it’s sort of like a pond. A pond filled with scum. And other things that you don’t even want to be stepping in, let alone dropping a fancy present in. The guy picks up his bag, gives it a wipe or two with his hand, splashing the run-off on himself now, and then goes on his merry way. Oh, that poor, poor girlfriend or wife. Little does she know the journey that her thoughtful gift has traveled. The only way she could find out, is if that schlemiel boyfriend of hers came home and announced, “Happy birthday, Honey! Your gift is drenched in authentic Penn Station men’s room urine! Enjoy!” Or maybe he did it on purpose: “Happy birthday, Honey! Your gift is drenched in authentic Penn Station men’s room urine – just the way you like it! Enjoy!” That story has nothing to do with the week in New York sports; I just thought it was a nice, little slice of life story that I found amusing and wanted to share.

Now on to sports (sort of). Olympic fever is finally spreading through my house. My daughter watched some of the speed skating, and she decided that she needed to win a Gold medal in that event. So she pulled on her Rollerblades, and proceeded to slowly skate around our basement a few times, and then declared herself the Gold medalist. What she was really interested in, though, was the pomp and circumstance of the medal-winning ceremony. She stood on the couch, which acted as the podium the winner stands on, with her stuffed Winnie the Pooh being the Silver medal winner sitting (he can’t really stand) a level below her, and SpongeBob winning the Bronze. I formally presented my daughter with her Gold medal (ok, a toy necklace), and, yes, she then made me sing the National Anthem. The whole thing. And if you’ve never sung it, it’s a tough song to sing, spanning a range of octaves and all. But, fortunately, I didn’t have to sing the Hundred Acre Wood or Bikini Bottom anthems. Of course, my daughter inherited that kind of monkey-see-monkey-do behavior from her father and her uncles. After watching the James Caan classic Rollerball on TV once when we were kids, the next day, my brothers and I plus a group of friends tried to play our own version of the game. There were some bicycles, roller skates, hockey gloves and a softball involved, but it just didn’t quite work out for some reason. It’s too bad my daughter didn’t get caught up in curling the last two weeks. Maybe that would have led to her sweeping or vacuuming the house.

Now on to sports (really). Here are the biggest stories in the world of New York sports this week:

Dawning of a New Era: It was a newsworthy week for the Knicks, but unfortunately, they didn’t win any games. The Tracy McGrady era (as short as it may be) began on Saturday (along with the Sergio Rodriguez era, as he’s now the team’s new point guard). McGrady starred, pouring in 26 points, but he and the team ran out of steam and lost in OT to Oklahoma City. On Monday, the Knicks honored their first-ever world champion team from 1970. The ongoing interviews during the game were a good distraction from what went on out on the court. The 2010 Knicks are not in the same universe as their 1970 forefathers. Chemistry and teamwork were the buzz words of that champion team, and those aspects of the game were nowhere to found during the Knicks-Bucks game. Of course, their recent trades had a lot to do with that, and they lost a lot of defense and size. McGrady had to leave the game with an injured knee. That didn’t take long. He looked rusty, tentative and out of game shape in their loss to Nate Robinson and Boston on Wednesday. It looks like he may have peaked on Saturday.

Down in FLA: The Mets signed Rod Barajas to a reasonably cheap one-year contract. One year for him is better than Bengie Molina for two or three years at $12 million or whatever it would have been. They both play defense, they both hit home runs, and that’s about it. I feel bad for Omir Santos. He went from major league starter to Triple A backup in one stroke of the pen. It looks like Jerry Manuel may bat Jose Reyes third to start the season. If it’s only until Carlos Beltran comes back, why bother? Reyes is sensitive enough as it is, so shouldn’t Manuel make him as comfortable as possible coming back from his injury? Jenrry Mejia has impressed Manuel in camp so far. And Sandy Koufax is the next in line to take a stab at fixing the mysterious Oliver Perez. Over in Tampa, the Yankees signed Chan Ho Park – throw another reliever on the pile. Jorge Posada and A.J. Burnett began working together after last year’s disastrous partnership. Shouldn’t Posada be a DH at this point in his career? In last year’s playoffs he couldn’t catch the ball no matter who was pitching. Johnny Damon officially became a Tiger, and Derek Jeter declared he wants to be a Yankee forever. Where else is he going to go?

Do You Believe in Slight Upsets?! It wasn’t exactly a miracle, but it was an upset nonetheless. The U.S. beat Canada in a great game, almost 30 years to the day of the Miracle on Ice. Hey, even Chris Drury scored – he’s obviously been pacing himself with the Rangers, saving his offensive output for the Olympics. Jamie Langenbrunner scored (and assisted on another), and ex-Devil Brian Rafalski netted two goals. Whenever I think of a Devil or ex-Devil’s name, in my mind it’s always said in Mike Emrick’s excitable voice. He’s so ubiquitous, he’s now doing the play-by-play of my everyday life in my head, which isn’t so bad really. Maybe it’s a new undiagnosed disease – Emrick Syndrome. It could be worse – it could be Suzyn Waldman’s voice I’m hearing. Ryan Miller saved the day for the USA, while poor Martin Brodeur looked like he just lost to the Rangers again, and then he was benched for Canada’s game against Germany. He now has to slink back to New Jersey, as he has all of Canada wanting to come after him with torches and pitchforks. Canada recovered to beat Germany and steamroll over Russia, though. And the USA kept their dream alive with a win over Switzerland, with Zach Parise providing all the offense they would need. Debate time: With the Miracle on Ice on everybody’s mind, who was the better Herb Brooks – Kurt Russell or Karl Malden?

We all know about the great athletes in New York sports history – Babe Ruth, Tom Seaver, Lawrence Taylor, Joe Namath, Mark Messier, Walt Frazier – and even the busts – Ed Whitson, Mo Vaughn, Roberto Alomar, Stephon Marbury, Scott Gomez. But what about the slightly-to-highly-above-average athlete? The kind-of-great but not all-timer? They may not have been Hall-of-Famers, but they were All-Stars, fan favorites, cogs on a championship team or maybe even just pretty darn good. They’re the little brother that didn’t hog all the attention. But they’re certainly worth talking about and remembering. So when do they get their due? Well, now they will. Here is a series of the not-quite-legendary in New York sports history.

When Mickey Rivers walked up to home plate, he hobbled to the batter’s box looking like an old man shuffling out to the mailbox to retrieve his monthly AARP Magazine. The flakey center fielder came to the Bronx in a trade with the Angels (along with pitcher Ed Figueroa) in exchange for outfielder Bobby Bonds before the 1976 season. He spent three full seasons in New York as the Yankees’ leadoff hitter, and he was the sparkplug that led the team to three consecutive World Series appearances in those years.

Mick the Quick made his mark with the Bombers in his first season with the team when he finished third in the MVP voting, behind winner Thurman Munson and George Brett. He played in the All-Star game that season and was named to the Sporting News AL All-Star team. For the year, he batted .312 (but with a low .327 OBP – he only walked 13 times all season), scored 95 runs, swatted 184 hits, had 31 doubles and eight triples, hit eight homers and drove in an impressive 67 runs from the leadoff spot, and he swiped 43 bases. He may have walked like a senior citizen but he could run like a jackrabbit. He followed up his debut season in the Bronx with one just as good in 1977 (and finished 11^th in the MVP voting). While his numbers were impressive – .326 average, .350 OBP, 79 runs scored, 184 hits (again), 18 doubles, five triples, 12 home runs, 69 RBI’s, 22 stolen bases – the outcome for the Yankees was better that season. After being swept in the World Series by the Big Red Machine in ’76, the Yankees beat the Dodgers in the Fall Classic to win their first championship in 15 years.

In 1978, he had another quality season (.265 avg., 78 runs scored, 148 hits, 25 doubles, eight triples, 11 homers, 48 RBI’s, 25 stolen bases), and the Yankees beat the Dodgers again for another championship. But it was in the three League Championship Series where he excelled. The Yankees faced the Kansas City Royals three years in a row, and Rivers starred in each one. In 14 total games, he batted .386, with an un-Rivers-like OBP of .417, belted 22 hits and scored 10 runs. His average in the 1978 series was a whopping .455. He didn’t fare as well in World Series play, though, only hitting .238 in 15 games. His Yankee career ended when he was traded to Texas (with a few other unmemorable players) for Oscar Gamble’s Afro (and a few throw-ins, including Gamble himself) on July 30, 1979. In 1980 he set a Texas franchise record with 210 hits.

Rivers was almost known more for his zany personality and infamous quotes than for what he accomplished on the field. Here is a sampling of some of the memorable things he’s said:

“My goals are to hit .300, score 100 runs and stay injury-prone.”

“He’s so ugly, when you walk by him, your pants wrinkle. He made fly balls curve foul.”

“I might have to commute. You know, left field, DH, wherever.”

“I don’t get upset over things I can’t control, because if I can’t control them there’s no use getting upset. And I don’t get upset over the things I can control, because if I can control them there’s no use in getting upset.”

“Me and George and Billy are two of a kind.”

Rivers finished his career with a .295 lifetime average and 267 stolen bases. For what it’s worth, Bill James ranks him the 59^th best center fielder of all-time. He called everyone around him Gozzlehead or Warplehead (and was also known to respond to those strange nicknames himself). No one knows why he did that, but being a fun, wacky mystery was what Mickey Rivers was all about.

(Click here, here, here, here and here to read the other bios in the series.)

The first-ever slam dunk competition was held this week during halftime of the ABA All-Star game at McNichols Arena in Denver. Julius Erving of the New York Nets wowed everybody with his running dunk from the foul line. Dr. J bested Denver’s David Thompson, Artis Gilmore of the Kentucky Colonels, and San Antonio’s George Gervin and Larry Kenon. As for the game itself (after some pregame entertainment by top-of-the-chart recording artists Glen Campbell and Charlie Rich), the league eschewed its former format of East vs. West, instead having the first place team at the break taking on a group of ABA All-Stars. The Denver Nuggets, coached by Larry Brown, scored 52 points in the fourth quarter to overtake the All-Star squad by a final score of 144-138. Thompson was named the game’s MVP, scoring 29 points, and Dr. J led the All-Stars with 23 points. In the NBA All-Star game, Dave Bing was named MVP (16 points, four assists) after leading the East to a 123-109 victory at the Spectrum in Philadelphia. Bob McAdoo and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar led all scorers with 22 points apiece.

Meanwhile, at the winter Olympics at Innsbruck, Austria, Austria’s own Franz Klammer won the downhill skiing gold medal. Dorothy Hamill took the gold in figure skating, and instantly replaced Schneider from One Day at a Time as America’s sweetheart and ushered in a new era in bad women’s haircuts along the way. And the mighty robotic machine of the U.S.S.R. won the gold medal in hockey. The highlight of the opening ceremonies was the Olympic torch being lit by Henry Winkler. He didn’t need a flame to light it, though – he just banged it with his elbow, gave a thumbs-up, said “aaayyyy,” and the torch was aflame.

Of course, that all happened in the winter of 1976. I didn’t really watch much of the Olympics or the NBA’s All-Star weekend this week so I randomly went with highlights of the first year I could think of instead. Here are the biggest stories in the world of New York sports this week (yes, 2010):

Blockbuster: The Knicks began their post-break slide to oblivion (or the summer of 2010, whichever way you look at it) with back-to-back losses to Chicago. Nate Robinson didn’t play either game because they didn’t want him to infect the team – it was unclear if it was his “flu-like symptoms” or “erratic, turnover-prone-like symptoms” they didn’t want the team infected with. But at any rate, his Knick career is over, as he was shipped off to Boston. The team also unloaded Darko Milicic (was he even on the Knicks?) to Minnesota (not the Timberwolves, though, just the state of Minnesota). But the big blockbuster was the three-team trade with Houston and Sacramento. The Knicks get the expiring contract of Tracy McGrady and Sergio Rodriguez, while shedding themselves of Jared Jeffries, Larry Hughes and Jordan Hill (some draft picks were mixed in there as well), which frees up mucho cap space for this summer’s free-agent bounty. For his next trick, Donnie Walsh will make Wade Redden, Michal Rozsival and Chris Drury disappear.

The Eyes of Texas: David Lee made his All-Star game debut on Sunday night, playing 12 minutes, scoring four points and grabbing two rebounds. A record 108,000 people crowded into the Cowboys’ stadium to watch the East beat the West, 141-139, on a giant TV. Does that mean the old Dallas Chaparrals (speaking of the ABA) never drew that much at Moody Coliseum? They probably never drew that much total in their whole existence. Nate Robinson won his third consecutive and last Slam Dunk contest – he’s going out on top, claiming he’s retiring from the dunk-fest. He’s not sure what his next move will be to replace participating in that exhibition; he’s narrowed it down to entering baseball’s Home Run Derby, being a contestant on Project Runway or getting his own reality show up and running, Big Dunks, Little People. And Danilo Gallinari tied for last in the three-point shooting contest.

The Magic Number: Five more wins to go for the Nets, and they can breathe a little easier. That would give them 10 for the year, which would best the all-time worst record, held by the 1972-’73 76ers. The Nets won again this week, which is always big news in itself, beating the Bobcats, 103-94, and they came thisclose to winning on Wednesday against the Heat. The last time the Nets won back-to-back games came in 1972 against the Dallas Chaparrals (let’s keep up the ABA theme, even if I’m just making stuff up now).

Pitchers and Catchers: Sunshine, the smell of freshly cut grass, Oliver Perez not having any idea where his next pitch will end up – it must be time for spring training. Pitchers and catchers reported to Florida this week. For the Mets, their staff is filled with pitchers coming off injuries – Perez, Johan Santana, John Maine, Jon Niese, Fernando Nieve – and a batch of new faces – Ryota Igarashi, Hisanori Takahashi, Jay Marshall, Clint Everts and Kelvim Escobar, who’s already feeling discomfort in his shoulder (come to think of it, I’m already feeling discomfort thinking about the Mets season). As for the Yankees, they’re bringing back most of the same cast of characters as last season’s staff, with Javier Vazquez being the one big addition. The battle for the number-five slot in the rotation between Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain is the one thing to watch for in Yankee camp. The big loss for the Bombers this spring, though, is Yankee trainer Gene Monahan. He’s taking a leave of absence for medical reasons, due to an undisclosed illness. The legend has been with the Yankees for almost 50 years. Get well soon, Gene.

Don’t Stop Now: The Rangers earned a hard-fought win over Pittsburgh last Friday night. Unfortunately, Michael Del Zotto’s leg was carved up like a pound of ham being sliced at a deli in a freak incident. Fifty stitches were needed to patch him back up. The team picked up another brawler in Jody Shelley to replace the failed Donald Brashear experiment. And on Valentine’s Day, they whipped Tampa Bay, 5-2, with Henrik Lundqvist leading the way and Erik Christensen chipping in two goals – he must have been trying to impress some girl out there. Of course, the Rangers finally play two excellent games in a row (well, minus a period here or there) and then had to stop for the Olympics. Ok, let’s Dwight Schrute this next part. Question: Should you ever propose to your girlfriend on a JumboTron at a sporting event? Answer: No – as we saw with some poor schmuck whose marriage proposal on the scoreboard was turned down between periods of the Rangers game on Valentine’s Day (though it may have just been a hoax). Having your girlfriend wrestle your cousin Mose to ensure she comes from hearty stock is ok, though. And proposing on a beet farm is also acceptable.

Nap Time: The Devils exploded for give goals against Nashville on Friday night, including Ilya Kovalchuk’s first with the team, but then they turned around and let in five themselves the next night, losing to Carolina. All that hard work and winning the first few months of the season has made them tired and sleepy. The break will do them good (well, the players who aren’t competing in the Olympics will get a rest). The Islanders won 5-4 on Saturday, and, like New Jersey, lost the next day to wrap up the pre-Olympic portion of their schedule. So all three offensively challenged local teams put up a five spot last weekend.

The dream is over. This year’s version of the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets certainly doesn’t look like “the same old Jets,” though. They’re more like the 1973 Ya Gotta Believe Mets, arriving out of nowhere to come oh-so-close to a championship. They’re a team we’ll look back on with positive feelings and one worth celebrating. They went further than anyone imagined, and have a future that certainly looks bright, with a successful coach and franchise quarterback in place (though Mark Sanchez now needs surgery on one knee and will be rehabbing the other – maybe he really is the reincarnation of Joe Namath). The whole weekend was pretty much a nightmare for New York sports, though: the Rangers were embarrassed by Montreal on Saturday night, 6-0, the Knicks were humiliated by Dallas, 128-78, the Nets lost to Utah, 116-83, the Islanders lost to New Jersey (ok, one local team won, but one of them had to) and, of course, the Jets were knocked out of playoffs.

Unfortunately, I can think of worse weekends that took place in my life: I once spent a rainy Saturday and Sunday trapped in my house when I was nine years old, while my father tried to sell me life insurance for 48 straight hours. There was the time when my wife went out of town, and I had to make my own dinner. Twice. Oh, the horror. And then there was the occasion when I drove down to spring break with John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. For a full weekend I was stuck in a Volkswagon Beetle with the duo as they gushed about Roger Clemens and the Giambino. So all of those hellish scenarios help to put this past weekend into perspective.

Here are the top stories this week in the world of New York sports:

Close But No Cigar: The AFC Championship game pitted the #1 D vs. the #1 QB, and the QB won. The day can be summed up easily: Too much Peyton Manning (but let’s not forget about Pierre Garcon – with a name like that why isn’t he playing for the Saints?). Manning is one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history, and even the Jets’ vaunted defense could do nothing to rattle or stop him. The Shonn Greene injury hurt the Jets, but Greene wouldn’t have helped in stopping Manning. At least they were just beat by a better team. There was no controversy. No nightmarish ending. Imagine being a Vikings fan right now. And losing certainly didn’t stop Rex Ryan from talking. After his Super Bowl favorite theory went up in flames, he took a little potshot at the Giants, declaring the Jets the “biggest show in town.” And he was absolutely outraged that Andre Dawson will be going into the Baseball Hall of Fame wearing a Montreal Expos hat instead of a New York Jets cap.

Yes! The Nets win the pennant! The Nets win the pennant! The Nets win the pennant! Ok, the Nets didn’t win the pennant. There isn’t even a pennant in basketball. But they finally won their fourth game of the season on Wednesday, beating the Clippers, 103-87. It was their first victory since beating the Knicks on December 30. Kris Humphries pumped in 25 points coming off the bench, Keyon Dooling added 18 points (10 in the fourth quarter) and eight assists, Brook Lopez had 19 points and nine rebounds and Terrence Williams was all-around spectacular (seven points, eight assists, nine rebounds). And, yes, they played defense, too. In other news, Lopez will be playing in the Rookie Challenge game for the second year in a row.

Let’s See How They React: The Knicks followed up their routine loss to the Lakers, with a 50-point drubbing to Dallas. It was the worst home loss in franchise history. How would they react to that? By blowing out Minnesota, 132-105. Well, at least we know they’re resilient. Unfortunately, they then lost a squeaker last night in a game they should have won (and Jared Jeffries and Al Harrington could be headed for surgery). Danilo Gallinari was chosen to play in the Rookie Challenge game during All-Star weekend, but David Lee was shunned by the All-Star selection crew. He took his frustrations out on Toronto with his 29 point, 18 rebound effort. The last Knicks to be named to the All-Star game were Latrell Sprewell and Allan Houston, all the way back in 2001.

Mets Mini-Camp: The good news: Johan Santana threw off a mound for the first time since last season on Tuesday, and felt great. The bad news: Oliver Perez also threw, which means he’s still on the team. He’s grown a beard and has a new and improved physique in the hopes that nobody would recognize him (except for the team’s payroll accountant, of course). In other minor Met news, they traded for Gary Matthews, Jr. Here are the pros of that acquisition: He adds outfield depth and can play center, and he’s cheap (the Angels will be paying over $20 million of the rest of his contract, while the Mets only pay $1.25 mil a year the next two seasons). And here are the cons: he’s a PED cheat, which was the reason for the one good season in his career, he’s a supposed “clubhouse cancer,” he stinks, he’s old and the Mets gave up a serviceable reliever to get him. If the Angels can eat all that money and find a sucker to take Matthews off their hands, couldn’t the Mets do the same thing with Luis Castillo? Oh right, the Mets are the sucker. I keep forgetting. And it looks like Fernando Tatis will be back yet again, and the starting rotation will also be the same old story. So much for any kind of overhaul or change in clubhouse culture. Omar Minaya just can’t let go of the past, can he? No matter how nightmarish it’s been.

The New Yankee: Say hello to Randy Winn. Say good-bye to Johnny Damon. Winn can play all three outfield positions, but his main asset is, much like Greg Brady when he became Johnny Bravo, he “fits the suit” – meaning he signed for the $2 million the Yankees had left in their budget. Let’s face it, in these difficult times it’s hard finding 25 players for $200 million.

The Sinking Rangers: Nothing’s going right for the Blueshirts. They can’t score, they have no confidence, Marian Gaborik and Henrik Lundqvist are struggling, they have a four-game losing streak, James Dolan is still their owner, Glen Sather is still their president/GM, they’re sinking in the standings – things are snowballing out of control. “The best thing for us to do is to get out of town; the further the better,” stated John Tortorella after Wednesday’s game. You can run, but you can’t hide.

Christmas is all about comebacks and overcoming adversity against all odds. Ok, it’s really nothing about comebacks and overcoming adversity against all odds but is about love, peace on earth, goodwill toward men, opening presents, then drinking all day long and passing out underneath the tree as an ornament falls and pierces one of your eyeballs, sending you screaming down the street bloody, naked and in horrifying pain. Ah, Christmas. One of the brightest, heartwarming stories of the week, though, is Jonathan Bender’s return to the world of basketball after not playing a game in four years. And on top of it all, he’s been productive. The Knicks, too, are on the comeback trail after starting out at 1-9. Bender’s return after a long absence brings to mind other great comebacks. So, without further ado, here’s a random list of notable returns over the decades (and even centuries).

Gordie Howe retired after the 1971 season, then came back in 1973-’74 to play with his sons, Mark and Marty, lasting six years in the WHA with the Houston Aeros and New England Whalers followed by one last season in the sun in the NHL at the age of 51 with the Hartford Whalers. Jim Bouton wrapped up a nine-year career in the majors in 1970 (with the Yankees, Seattle Pilots and Houston), only to return to pitch five games in ’78 with the Braves as a knuckleballer, squeezing in time as a sports reporter and sitcom star (in Ball Four) in the years in between. Satchel Paige, after a long career in the Negro Leagues and five season in the majors with the Indians and St. Louis Browns, was brought back for one game as a publicity stunt by Charlie Finley at the approximate age of 59 (after not being on the field for 12 years) to pitch for the Kansas City A’s. One of the great actors of our time (or any time really), Craig T. Nelson starred in Poltergeist, All the Right Moves and Coach during the ’80s and ’90s, but then disappeared until his triumphant, should-have-been-award-winning return in Blades of Glory and as the warden in My Name is Earl. And, of course, we can’t leave out the greatest comeback of all – Jesus of Nazareth. I mean he literally rose from the dead for Pete’s sake (it’s not widely known, but before he ascended to heaven he threw three touchdown passes that day leading his team to victory in a must-win thriller).

Here are some of the top New York sports stories of the week. Sure, they might not rank up there with the Greatest Story Ever Told, but not every tale can be the best.

Playoffs? Plaaayyyoffs?! The Giants’ playoff hopes rose, as they gained a game on Green Bay, with their blowout win in Washington, while the Jets blew a golden opportunity to move up and away from the pack with their disappointing loss. Interceptions, missed field goals and penalties added up to a loss for Gang Green. And their great defense just can’t make the big stop at the end. That’s all she wrote for the Jets unless there’s a Christmas miracle in there somewhere. The Giants stomped all over division rival Washington, and now they need two wins and a loss by either Dallas or Green Bay. The odds are against them, but it’s not exactly miracle territory. And they hold the tiebreaker against those two teams.

Surging Knicks: They won on Friday vs. the Clippers, they won on Sunday vs. Charlotte and they won on Tuesday vs. Chicago. They’re doing it with defense, threes and spreading the ball around. It’s a different hero every night. And Mike D’Antoni’s tight rotation is working. Bender has cracked the lineup (though he suffered a mild injury the other night), but Nate Robinson may never play again with all this winning going on. He knows he’s not going to make it onto the court so he props up a cardboard cutout of himself on the bench before the opening tipoff and then goes to work at his part-time job at the Duane Reade on 33^rd and 8^th to make himself feel useful.

Entitlement: The only one questioning Wade-Gate at the garden with the Rangers is Wade Redden himself, who was clueless for the reasons of his benching. The overpaid defenseman has gone the opposite route as Nate, and has been using a cardboard cutout of himself while out on the ice, which explains his lifeless play the last few seasons. The fans aren’t chanting “We want Wade” but instead “We want Wade to go away.” Chris Drury, on the other hand, has responded the right way and completely turned his game around, as has the whole team. The Rangers are also on the comeback trail, with a four-game winning streak, and they played one of their best games of the year last night. With John Tortorella declaring the end of the entitlement era for the Rangers, does that mean he gets to scratch Glen Sather from his GM duties? Doesn’t the no entitlement thing apply to Sather, too?

Sawchukian: Martin Brodeur broke Terry Sawchuk’s shutout record, with his 104^th this week. It would have been more impressive if, in a tribute to the old-time goalie, Brodeur wore the tiny pads that Sawchuk had to wear and also went maskless while attempting the break the record. Brodeur has now shattered just about every goaltending record that exists, which cements his status as one of the best ever. There’s no word yet on whether Sean Avery sent the Devils goalie a congratulatory text (“Hey Fatso . . .”).

Hot Stove: The Yankees struck again, by acquiring Javier Vazquez from the Braves for Melky Cabrera. If this means we’ll never hear John Sterling say “the Melkman!” again, then the trade will be worth it. As for the Mets, making a big splash for the sake of getting onto the back pages is not the way to go, so good for them for taking their time, but they do know that they have plenty of holes to fill, don’t they? There’s no rule that says you have to wait for Jason Bay to make up his mind before you can get some pitching. Or a catcher. Or anything else they may need. Or are they just hibernating for the winter? Maybe Omar Minaya’s a “warm-weather” GM.

On Saturday night I was flipping between another Rangers loss and the Christmas classic It’s a Wonderful Life. Of course you can’t help but wonder, “What if George Bailey’s situation happened to me?” What if I were able to see the consequences of never being born? That thought lasted about a minute and a half, because everybody’s life would surely be better. My wife would have been able to marry a more successful, rich, interesting, well-rounded man instead of someone who has nothing but a monkey shooting a slap shot, a couple of empty beer cans and some old Rusty Staub highlights filling up his head. My daughter would have a normal father, one who doesn’t constantly quiz her on the proper French Canadian–accented way of saying the names Guy Lafleur and Gilbert Perrault. And nobody else’s life would be affected one way or the other.

But on that subject, what if, more importantly, James Dolan had never been born? The Isiah Thomas era would never have happened. Scandals would have been avoided. Millions of dollars wouldn’t have been wasted. Marv Albert would still be calling Knicks games. Glen Sather would be long gone, after the disasters he’s foisted on his fan base. Wade Redden, Michal Rozsival and Chris Drury would all be in Columbus or Nashville, anywhere but New York. Stephon Marbury? Wouldn’t have gotten a sniff of New York. Eddy Curry? Still in Chicago. Would a few mistakes have been made? Probably. But would competence have occasionally made an appearance at the Garden? Most likely. Instead, we’re stuck with the anti George Bailey. Dolan makes everything around him worse off, and on top of that, he keeps losing Zeke’s petals. And every time a bell rings, another horrible free-agent contract is signed. Of course, it makes more sense to imagine James Dolan as Mr. Potter (with the guy who should be running the Knicks and Rangers never having been born). And we’re all living in his slum – Dolansville.

Let’s see what each local team needs for Christmas after their respective performances this week (and yes, many of these involve time travel).

The Jets: They just need a chance. This week’s win over Tampa Bay was their third in a row and has propelled them into the playoff picture again, but they’re going to need help. The Broncos lead the wild card race at 8-5, while the Jets are one of four teams standing at 7-6. They have a tough schedule the rest of the way (Falcons, Colts, Bengals), but they’re still breathing.

The Giants: Dear Santa: Please, please let us not give up 45 points every game the rest of the way. Can we put some pressure on the QB this year? And can the secondary cover somebody – anybody? And if it’s possible can we stop fumbling the ball? And when the other team fumbles, can you remind us to pick up the ball? Thanks, and Merry Christmas, the Giants.

The Knicks: “We’re capable of going out there and beating anybody, and we’ve shown that, but we’re also capable of losing to anybody, so we’ve got to be ready at all times and ready to go.” – David Lee, a day or so before the losing to Charlotte. The Knicks need some consistency for Christmas (1-9, then 7-6, now 0-2) – and also the ability to travel back in time so they can replay that fourth quarter against the Bobcats and maybe rethink all those threes vs. the Bulls.

The Nets: Can they just get a win for Christmas? Come on, just one more.

The Mets: Let’s see . . . they need a left fielder, a catcher, some quality starters, a few relievers, maybe a first baseman and how about a new second baseman. Oh yeah, what they really need is a plan and a new GM. They weren’t in on the Roy Halladay sweepstakes, and like most interested teams, they didn’t want to go five years on John Lackey, so he wasn’t really in their plans either. And should they have spent $30 million on Randy Wolf? No. So they really aren’t “losing out” on all these players, and all the panic around town is a little over the top. But they should be overhauling their roster this winter; instead it looks like it will be just a little tinkering and tweaking. Ryota Igarashi is a start. And Jason Bay will probably be next. But do you trust Omar Minaya to make the right moves? He may be extremely optimistic, but Mets fans will most likely get a lump of coal in their stockings this year.

The Yankees: Sure, they need a left fielder (or center fielder if Curtis Granderson ends up in left), but they’re so loaded and rich they should be the one handing out the presents. They’re the richest team in Bedford Falls.

The Rangers: Christmas came early for the Blueshirts – Wade Redden was scratched (finally!), and the offense scored five goals. Now they just need to do that, oh, about every game. The real Christmas wish for the Rangers: Santa firing Glen Sather since Mr. Potter isn’t going to do it.

The Islanders: They just need time. They have the young talent and the will and hard work, so it looks like they’re on to something. Sure, they may have a clunker or two like the 7-1 loss to Florida, but they’re young and still learning. They, too, would probably like the gift of time travel to undo that Rick DiPietro contract. Sure, he may eventually give the Isles years of solid play in goal, but right now that’s looking like one of the worst contracts in NHL history. Oh, and Santa, please don’t let them go to Kansas City.

The Devils: The Devils have Lou Lamoriello. They don’t need Santa’s help with anything.

Here are some of the highlights, lowlights, scandals, trades and car accidents of the past week in the New York sports world.

Nate-Gate: The surging Knicks have won three games in a row, they’re spreading the ball around on offense and playing solid team defense – yes, defense (somewhere Dave DeBusschere is smiling). They’re moving up in the standings, but Nate-Gate is in full bloom, with chants of “We want Nate” raining down from the Garden faithful while Nate Robinson is tethered to the bench. Whenever he doesn’t play, the Knicks win, so the erratic guard may never see action again. Shooting at the wrong basket, too much goofing around and breezily fraternizing with the enemy have done him in. After realizing that he’s getting paid $4 million to watch NBA games a few times a week and is getting front row seats to boot, he’s not complaining, and is settling into his role as the Knicks’ Little Bit o’ Luck guy. He’s starting to make himself at home on the bench, dressing in a robe and slippers with his dog, Waffles, sitting on his lap. He’s set up a George Foreman Grill and mini fridge near his chair and has the latest copies of Field and Stream and Prevention nearby for some light reading during timeouts. Next on Mike D’Antoni’s DNP-CD list: Oliver Perez and Michal Rozsival.

N-E-T-S, Nets, Nets, Nets! The nightmare has ended! Sure, for a while it looked like they might go 0-82 and Tiger Woods has more girlfriends than the Nets will have wins this year, but the first victory is always the hardest (well, if you’ve already lost 18, it is). After that first elusive win, the Nets have caught fire, winning one of their next three games (that qualifies as being “on fire” when you’re the Nets).

Hatred: “Dallas is a team that I just absolutely can’t stand. I’ve hated Dallas ever since I knew anything about football,” says Brandon Jacobs. There’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned, healthy hatred. Beating a loathed rival is not only fun and satisfying, it’s good for the soul. And the Giants needed to beat the Cowboys to save their season. They’ve now beaten Dallas twice but the Cowboys (and Eagles) are still ahead of them in the standings. There’s no hatred like a Dallas hatred, but coming in second is the Eagles. And the Giants get their crack at them this Sunday night. It’s another must-win, and a chance to get back at Philly, who have owned the Giants recently.

Baseball Hot Stove: The Yankees upgraded in center field with the acquisition of Curtis Granderson. The former Tiger hits home runs, he’s fast, he’s under 30, he has a reasonable contract, he’s a good guy and the tabloids will have a field day with puns on his last name. Sure, his strikeouts are up, his OPS is down, he can’t hit lefties and giving up top-prospect Austin Jackson may have been somewhat surprising, but the deal was worth it. Andy Pettitte is back, at $11.75 million. And Brian Bruney was shipped off to the Washington Senators for Del Unser, or was it the Nationals for their Rule 5 draftee (those old-school Senators hats they wear always confuse me)? Meanwhile, the Mets are most likely just laying in the weeds because we all know how cagey and crafty Omar Minaya is, always outsmarting his peers. Ok, actually they don’t want to overpay for free agents for a change (or are they just being cheap?), but every other team is doing just that, splurging for mid-level, injury-prone pitchers, which is making life more difficult for the Mets. They did make offers to Bengie Molina and Jason Bay, though. But whether they should have is another question.

103 Shutouts: Martin Brodeur tied Terry Sawchuk’s mark of 103 shutouts this week. We know all about Brodeur, who’s breaking just about every goaltending record there is these days, but what about Sawchuk?  He played 971 games (1949-’70, for Detroit, Boston, Toronto, LA and the Rangers), had a record of 447-330-172 and a 2.51 goals against average. He backstopped four Stanley Cup winners, won four Vezina trophies, played in 11 All-Star games, had his #1 retired by the Red Wings and was elected to the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1971. And, unfortunately, he knew what pain and suffering was. A lifetime of hunching over caused him to walk with a permanent crouch and resulted in an affliction called lordosis, preventing him from sleeping for more than a few hours at a time. And here’s a laundry list of injuries and ailments compiled over his career: He had three operations on his right elbow, a broken instep, a collapsed lung, an appendectomy, ruptured discs in his back and severed tendons in his hand. Oh yeah, he had about 400 stitches sewed to his face before he started wearing a mask in 1962. And on top of all that, he suffered from depression. After the 1969-’70 season (playing for the Rangers), he got into a fight with teammate Ron Stewart and died shortly thereafter due to internal injuries attained in the fisticuffs. The life of a goalie can be tough and lonely, especially in Sawchuk’s era when there were no backups, no goalie coaches, no masks and no Jacques Lemaire keeping you safe with a defense-is-everything system.

You Can’t Stop Him, You Can Only Try to Contain Him: Islander defensemen Brendan Witt was hit by an SUV on Tuesday morning on the streets of Philadelphia and then played against the Flyers that night. The car made an illegal left turn, hit Witt and he slid across the hood then crashed to the pavement. He bounced right up, declared that he was ok because he was “a hockey player” and casually strolled off on his merry way, with many onlookers not believing what they just saw. This qualifies him as my new hero. I know Philly has some tough fans, but trying to kill an opposition player? That’s a new one.

Even Steven: The Rangers played three games this week, and totaled three points. For the season, they’ve played 30 games and have 30 points. Yes, you can quantify mediocrity. And apparently, it has all been Matt Gilroy’s fault, as he was sent down to Hartford yesterday. Michal Rozsival continues to live a charmed life with no consequences for his putrid play.

Out With a Knee: Mark Sanchez will sit out Sunday’s game vs. Tampa Bay because of his sprained right knee. Sanchez is “mad as a hornet” about it, so Rex Ryan is inviting Nate Robinson to Jets practice to tutor the QB on the proper technique for sitting out a game.